Long week!

 

having a few cocktails and watching the movie Iron Man...it just sucked me in...not really my cup of tea as far as movies but maybe it was Robert Downey, Jr. and the cocktails kickin' in! haha...and the next one was X-Men, I tuned that one out.  Gotta find something more interesting to watch.  Maybe a Netflix find.  Hope ya'll are doing well...enjoy your weekend! :)

Testing Boundaries...

Yesterday I had to call my daughter, and one of Isabella's friends mother who was spending the night with Isabella, and inform them that Isabella (9 years old) and Sheridan (10 years old) were missing. 

They were last seen in front of the house one on a bike, the other on a scooter.  They both knew that going off the block was off limits, it was snowy and cold, how far could they go?  They also knew I ordered a pizza for them, and they should have been back.  Isabella would not pass up the chance for pizza or be late if she thought the pizza was here.  I called a friend's house, Ken & Regina's, as Isabella goes there to visit, as they are like her second grandparents, and they said Isabella stopped in and introduced her friend to them.  I was told by Ken that they had left, so I assumed they were coming home, but they never showed up.  I called Ken a second time asking them if they got delayed leaving their house, and he informed me that they left some time ago. 

My heart sank right then, as I frantically put on my coat, went out began to bellow and look down alleyways, combing the surrounding block, but nothing.  I called my daughter, Isabella's mother, and also called Sheridan's mother to let them know the girls were missing and I could not locate them.  I walked down to Ken and Regina's and told them I would was going to summon 9-1-1.  They offered to get in their car and drive and look for them as well.    

I remember when I was standing on the porch and I saw this old Chevy station wagon with the windows tinted, where you couldn't see in, that sped past me, and my thoughts were that perhaps the girls were in that car, it was speeding away, and I just broke down for a few minutes.  It didn't help when my daughter arrived that she blamed me for not watching them close enough.  They were gone maybe 30 minutes as far I could discern.  The initial 9-1-1 call for help had a lady on the other end asking me questions, a description of them, what they were wearing, etc., and after some interruption to include the pizza guy showing up, she dispatches an officer.  After a search of the neighborhood by my daughter (Isabella's mother) and Sheridan's mother, and with the help of Ken and Regina, all of us fearing for their safety, we turned up nothing. 

Policeman asked for me to try to recall a timeline, searched around the house to make sure they weren't hiding, asking us what clothing they had on, etc., and asked us for a picture of both of them.  Another report came in, a third girl was missing.  We are all trying not to lose composure, and as soon as an officer and I went through all the rooms in my house, another officer says they have been found, and are out front.  All 3 of them were headed back to my house.  When the girls saw the police officers they broke down, especially this one little girl; she called her mother not able to even talk to her, so I took the phone and consoled her mother and hugged her as well, and told the mother I would have the officers bring her little girl home.  Needless to say, Isabella's friend did not spend the night; her mother was not too happy with her behavior as far as disobeying rules here as far as going off the block without permission.  I don't know whose idea it was to wander off, and at this point it didn't matter,

I thank God they were all home safe, cold, and wet, but ...

in a short while after returning home, almost immediately in fact, Isabella complained of a severe headache, and developed a raging fever, I gave her an ibuprofen, she laid down, was talking out of her head almost delirious. I worried she perhaps had fallen or hit her head, she said not, but I got her up and took her to Urgent Care.  I am not taking chances with a nasty headache to the point of her saying it hurt so bad she said she couldn't stay awake, and was very dizzy.  Ater exam, she has a nasty case of strep throat, that came on suddenly.  Flu screen was negative. 

Displaced~

I never thought in my wildest dreams that the only home my 19 year old has known from day one would be sold, but it was, and she is just now displaced.   She had to move into a tiny little rental house not far from me in the city here with her controlling father.  Her father has always been the most selfish human on the planet.  Without monies borrowed on the house like normal people would have done to build, his parents financed his home to be built way back when (1989), and since our subsequent divorce, and death of his mother and father, so did any debt he might have owed them in return.  He was never one to give back, not even to say I'm sorry should he be wrong about anything.  He was made executor of his parents estate, and left his brother absoultely nothing (it was said he had to give him $1).  His brother was the oldest, but he was the most controlling.   

Frankly, if those walls could talk, they would certainly have a story to tell.   A lot of sweat and tears, abuse and heartache filled that house way back when; he also had another ex, and more heartache and tales of woes, not to mention the abuse my daughter suffered as a child with this man.  In order to write about it, I have to acknowledge my inability to stop him, unable financially to remove her from his clutches, or bring the courts to know who he was, what he was...it makes me sick to this day.  The courts, what do they truly care about when it comes to child? He certainly was never any good parent to my other two children, but its okay he gets to keep my baby child who at not quite 6 years old never spent a night away from her mother...why? Money talks in small towns...shameful.  I will never forget that day or the feeling of loss, years of loss...it still makes me tear up.  I hope his death is very slow and very very painful, and I hope he rots in hell...

I'm told he is a regular church-goer now, excuse me I have to vomit at that. 

Not only did he sell every antique his mother ever owned, he sold their home for profit (perhaps forced to split this with his brother?), and now he is selling the only thing that is rightfully my daughter's.  I am not surprised at his lack of thinking of anyone else.  Bobbi has nothing of value that even belonged to her grandmother, whom she loved dearly.  She was the only grandchild, and was much loved.  When arrested back when my daughter was 16, her uncle (his brother) tried to make sure that any estate inheritance be rightfully put away for her; however I don't know how far that got, or what she was due from her grandparents estate.  It was hidden and/or changed.  My daughter herself knows nothing of what she was supposedly to gain from her grandparents estate.  Most of it I'm sure went to my ex's legal defense, thereby taking my daughter's inheritance away from what would have been rightfully hers to begin with to pursue a college degree, provide support in her young adult life, etc...

Her uncle died in that house while my ex (divorce filed by me in 1997) was in jail facing serious charges of sexual abuse of a minor child.  It was days upon days before the authorities found him.  I heard from a friend of his that he believed himself that his own brother was guilty, and why?  So many unanswered questions all these years.  The best thing that could have happened was for him to be convicted, so my daughter could really move on with life.  Ask me if I think he's innocent of this? I'd have to say no.  Since he was found not guilty on all charges he has not been able to really obtain a job, and supposedly his health has deteriorated, and according to my daughter he is trying to get his disability.  Why?  Because he has smoked cigarettes at an alarming rate since young adulthood, and now he expects compensation?  He was carried financially his whole life by his parents, whether they were living or dead. 

I abhor this man so much for all he has put my family, and especially what he has put our daughter through, and still continues his reign of her.  She will never be free of his control until he dies.  My hope for her is that its soon.  Certainly, I do not have any qualms about stating this.  Tell me I'm wrong, tell me that something bad is probably going to happen to me because of it, and it still won't change how I feel.  The day he dies is a day of celebration, and months or perhaps years following his death, my daughter's emotional demise of the abuse he has put her through will flood her memories she has locked away so long.  She is still very much a child in a grown up world, struggling to find a place or direction.  Her father's control is more than she can bear at times, but yet she chooses not to leave it behind at 19.  Its a sick relationship those two have.  Let's hope I'm still around to help her pick up the pieces.

Sorry for the ramble, just on my mind.

“How far you go in life depends on your being tender

with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the

striving and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in your

life you will have been all of these.”

- George Washington Carver

I want what is best for Isabella and have her succeed in life.  I try to keep it in my mind at all times that Isabella has been through a lot already in her 9 years.  It seems like here lately though, since her mother has been back in her life, she has been more out of sorts, screaming and fighting at me over attempts at disciplining her, or when she doesn't get her way over something, even to the point of her physically hitting me.  Her mother has interfered in my attempts at disciplining Isabella, not seeing how she 'babies Isabella" because she was not around for a while, and its a honeymoon period between the two of them right now.  She will call her mom and tell her I'm mean to her or I hit her, even when she leaves me no choice but to have to physically restrain her from destroying property or throwing things around.  Attempts to physically spank her end up causing her to be more out of control. Its not just physical, its the verbage too.  She just keeps ranting, spewing out hateful stuff, I'm at my wits end and ready to seek professional help for her.  She needs to learn healthy ways of dealing with anger, and she has to learn to deal with being told 'no' and accepting the consequences for her bad behavior. 

I've also had to take a long look at the behaviors exhibited between her mother and myself.  I do think my daughter has influenced Isabella telling her she is going to get her back soon, and they are going to live in some fantasy world, with her "daddy" home from jail, etc...also making the statement "all I want is my son back," which implies to Isabella that she is not as important as her "brother" is to her mommy.  I figure there is a strong correlation here, the love/hate relationship between Isabella and her mother, and my love/hate relationship with my grown daughter (Isabella's mother).  We do not get along that well, despite her being clean and off drugs presently.  While Isabella is a child who takes things to heart, her pain started a long time ago, and her mother cannot acknowledge this.  Truth is my grown daughter does make a difference between her two children.  Her mother and I have argued and fussed, as mothers/daughters often do, and unfortunately Isabella has heard and seen too much of this kind of stuff.  There is no excuse for adults behaving badly in front of children but the reality is, it does happen, even at my best efforts to thwart it off.  God knows Isabella has lived through enough of that stuff when she lived with her mother/father and in-laws.  On more than one occasion, I have asked my grown daughter to leave my residence due to her out of control verbiage directed at me.  Like her own mother's lack of control, once Isabella starts spiraling out of control, she cannot seem to sidestep it.  It appears that boundaries are being crossed and I feel overwhelmed sometimes in this "tag team" of irrational behaviors.

 

Isabella is not a child you can tell "go to your room" and she just picks up and goes to her room.  She will defy you, look for ways to get back at you, or physically hit you or throw things around, threaten to tear stuff up; then after that's done and she has exhausted those attempts, she asks that any punishments be removed once she is acting okay, taking no responsibility for her actions when out of control.  Its a contest of wills around here, and right now I feel as though I'm losing.

 

it's alive!

Hey gang! I'm back...like a nightmare! hahaha!

I borrowed a windows XP pro disk off a girl at work who has XP because I could not find mine (where does this stuff hide?), and finally got everything loaded back on this puter.  I have an external drive, which was updated only occasionally, so I didn't lose everything, just some things, and some things I might not miss! 

Good thing is, its like having a newborn...I've got plenty of space to mess up! Worst is having to go through all the Windows updates and getting a security system and things back on here.  After my security its loading all my music back on here, via I-Tunes...

and could there be another hitch? Yeah, just when you think its safe and all your good stuff has been downloaded, no viruses lurking in dark corners, you have absolutely NO sound anywhere.  Gawd!!!!!! Where's the driver? I installed a Dell disk into an HP and obviously the drivers are different...luckily today I called Microsoft back (Thursday morning) and this dude fixed it! ha! so not only do I have sound, I have lots of MB space.  This is a good thing..Just try to wipe this smile off my face!

so, what did I miss? 

starting tonight...its Vacation time for me!

if I haven't been around much, its work, work, work and then some other drama pops up...oldest daughter got a job, and also got an apartment a few days ago, so its helping her get organized, and I have to get things done and organized for the trip this weekend to Gatlinburg.  You remember, my son is getting married, and of course Mother of the Groom has to be there.  When I get back in town, its quiet time at home, getting some much needed R&R...doing nothing if I don't want to.  However, Missy BellaRose has some acting classes at the local Paramount Arts Center scheduled this coming week.  This is right up her drama-queen alley.  

well, how is Blogdom, bloggers?  What did I miss?  Got any news?

Oh  The best line of the week folks, if you didn't hear it yourself...was bellowed out on a cooking show...giving a contestant, who was a farmer and who prided himself on growing and harvesting his own vegetables while putting none of those into a dish he made, an answer as to if he would be passing onto the next round of contenders for the title of Best Chef and of course a shot at 50,000 bucks or whatever the prize was...

as quoted by the Hell's Kitchen famous chef, Gordon Ramsey ...

E-I-E-I-.Nooooo! 

 Cracked me up totally!

my head hurts...but I don't think I got a temperature.

 Yesterday I was nauseated all day, today I felt headachy, just not on top my game.  I know the stress is getting to me, and both my boss and I laughed this evening on the phone at nearly 6! ugh! She was leaving the office, I was trying to get out of the shower to run some errands.  I am also starting to feel a little run down, my muscles are more achy, so I think a shot or two of b12 might be in order. 

This week has been a killer work-wise, with nearly 700 jobs on the system Monday morning.  Me and my boss exchanged a little verbiage back and forth, some good, some ugly, but we give and take it with a grain of salt.  Its all good.  Girls gotta vent you know.  I am trying to move staff around on accounts, and trying to make sure our most complaining accounts are given top priority. I am the FQA Team Lead for US Production in charge of numerous accounts, and numerous employees and ICs (independent contractors); right now there's Cheryl, Cheryl #2, Cynthia, Francis, Jamie, Linda, Lisa, Amy, Deanna, Steve, and Kristi...did I forget anybody?  oh yeah, Barbara, Monica, and Robin...they are strung out all over the US. I manage their schedules and workload, to include weekend coverage for clients. Did I say I was exhausted? LOL...

In all the madness, we lost an evening shift person, and also a person who helped on audits.  I was teaching her to help manage in my absence, and she was overseeing the evenings, cleaning up from dayshift.  I often wondered, as did my boss, how trustworthy this person truly was.  I would log on, she wasn't on; the girl who normally worked evenings told me she was never available to her, and she was supposed to be.  There was always a nagging suspicion surrounding her.  I could never quite put my finger on it, and when she didn't get the schedule she wanted, she said "I am resigning immediately!"  Well...so much for that.  Maybe we will get a better replacement; I don't know.  I am supposed to be off this Monday and Tuesday, just because I need rest, but I can't leave things in a lurch. I have to help Deb (my boss) with this mess.  Its been a week of issues, issues, and more issues.  Just when you think you got a handle on it, the handle breaks! Gotta love management!

Gatlingburg in June

My son is getting married in June to his live-in girlfriend of a few years now. I guess they've decided to make it legal for whatever reason. Its not their first rodeo at being married; both of them have been there, done that, and divorced their first spouses. She has children from her first marriage.

The wedding is June 3rd in Gatlinburg, Tennessee, 5 nearly 6 hours away! ugh. I am not one to sit in a car that long. I am going to hate driving that distance. You can't fly there or get a bus there, even still who would want to bus that long. I was thinking train, but even they don't go to Gatlinburg, only Memphis and one other city in Tennessee will Amtrak go to. Memphis? Shiz. I ain't going there.


This photo of The Highlands Condominium is courtesy of TripAdvisor

The Highlands Condominiums is where the wedding will be held outside on a mountaintop, and the prices of the condominiums are decent, really nice. Here is the link. I think we should be making a reservation and soon! I think a 3-bedroom condo unit is 219 a night, that's only 70 some bucks per family unit, say me, sis, and my daughter and her boyfriend. That's not too shabby. It comes with 2 full baths, full kitchen, private balconies, its nice. I might get there and never leave! LOL

Anybody live in Gatlinburg?

Open for Table suggestions...

I love it when I can find that I want. I needed a table, just the right height, not too big, round, and I found it today; however it needs a little TLC, and for 5 bucks it was steal!

as you can see, its octagon, has claw feet, its very sturdy built, cherry I think; however it appears that it sat outside in the rain/weather, which destroyed part of the middle of the top.  It has veneer layers, not sure what the original inlay was, however this will need to smoothed out and something else installed.

I was thinking perhaps a piece of glass cut to fit, so I could put family pics underneath it, or tile and grout it with something interesting, cut glass...got any suggestions?

okay call me stupid...

but what in tarnation is...

an ENHANCED PayPal account?  

as opposed perhaps to an UNEnhanced account?

Gawd!!!!!!

Don't you love this?

but then again, its Monday, expect anything ...

ants, ants, tiny assed ants...EVERYWHERE!

Am I the only one with this problem? Are you guys overrun with these itty bitty ants? Over the last week and a half, I guess since Spring has sprung, I have an invasion of ants! In my kitchen, in my livingroom, gawd! I guess any little crack is an open invitation. How annoying! I have invested in some ant traps, and spray pesticide. Hopefully that'll do the trick? If you've got any suggestions, please post 'em!

shhhhhhhh....don't ask what can happen next...

After the last week, and nearly two, I am beginning to think that anything crappy that can happen, will happen.  What now you ask?  Lemme tell yuns. 

First off, Yours Truly takes little Queenie and herself to get a haircut Thursday evening, only to come back, check in to see whats going on with work stuff since I have somebody on evenings to help manage, and to my surprise, there was an Antimalware thing on my computer?  Really? Where did you come from?  I can't even go off and leave this puter unattended and some damn virus pops up?  Who was on here, and where did they click?  shit, damn, fruckkkkk!!!!!!!...yeah.  My 19 year old ducks out of the house real quick, says she didn't do it, an automatic "I was on there, and it just popped up..." Yeah? If looks could kill...

Okay, I try to uninstall it?  Who installed it? Who the heck knows, its a big fat virus pretty much. I cannot delete it no matter what I do, until I attack it with my malwarebytes.  It deletes a bunch of Trojans obviously attacking my computer.   After running a quick scan, I do a full scan, and it finds nothing. Okay, great, I'm up ready to start my workday, and I notice my Microsoft Security Essentials scan did not run, so I try to run that, to no available, its not accessible; neither is my other programs...holey shiz, mother of Jeebeezussss!

I realize that without IT looking at my computer to figure out what they can do, its fruitless, so I have to go into the office, because there are 8 or 9 people who are depending on me everyday as management, also I am in charge of production, so I have to be available.  I don't have time to sit here and work on my HP all day long, even still try to figure out what I can do as I am not a computer expert, however not exactly clueless either.  If that isn't bad enough, when I get to the office, I don't have a puter there, so I have to use my boss' computer.  Then I can't access my email, have to use web email for work, and when IT is free in the mid morning, I rush home, let them on my home puter, and I was told that there is a "big" problem.  Even when we deleted programs, and tried to install them again, we still could not access them.  Yeah. 

So its back to the office to drag a computer back home.  Only to realize, its a piece of shit Gateway...not my baby, HP, and sin was never this slow.  Well, it worked for a little bit, I run to pick up Bella from the Y, and come back and its not working again. What in the world?  It takes me another hour and a half, a phone call, and talk about a day's frustration...yeah...

I've had my quota this week and last.  I wonder if its safe for me to really even go outside, much less cross the street!!!!!

And how has your week been?

Car-Less ... again...Nightmare on Montgomery...

this car looks exactly like mine

Did I happen to mention that nearly two weeks on a Friday I became car-less again? 

Yes, the day my 19 year old got her license, she took my car on a rendezvous out of town, not realizing that the motor would blow up yet again.  She was in my car the first time, and on that occasion she had run it dry of every fluid known to a keep a car engine running, and blew my motor up. This time, however, the car had fluids, the motor just locked up. 

She was pretty scared, on an interstate miles away from home, when in fact, she had neglected to tell me she was going anywhere. I had assumed she got delayed in getting back home, obviously making excuses to me.  I had no idea she was out of town with my car.  She obviously had other plans to celebrate her getting her driver's license. 

I was looking for cars in the area, when I typed in my car's make and model, and this car (pictured above) came up.  This car was up for sale and the highest offer was 4200.00 bucks, with only 62,000 miles on it. Unbelievable.  I would love to have it, but it was in Chicago! It was already sold by the time I found it.  Worth every penny of it with that low a mileage, and the shape it was in.  Makes ya sick. 

My 19 year old apologized all over herself for not being where she was supposed to be, however in reality, at any time a used motor can and will blow, just glad she was okay and did not get hurt herself or hurt somebody else.  It scared her pretty bad, so now, maybe she will be a little cautious when out and about in a vehicle.

What have I done for a car?  Absolutely without, relying on a ride back and forths to the grocery.  Should I buy another car? No, I looked at car options out there.  I seriously cannot afford payments, a rise in insurance because of having to carry full coverage on a loan, no thanks.   I will throw a thousand bucks in it again and have another motor put in it.  Life of a car is no guarantee, but having a new car is not a necessity.  I love my car.  I don't care if it is a 1997 Olds and has tons of thousands of miles on it.  Its still cheaper than buying a car out there.  Finding a good mechanic to keep it running is the big issue here, one you can trust.  One that cares that precious cargo is being hauled around in it. 

Hope everybody is having a good week.  Me? Mine is busy and stressful as always.  Tomorrow I have to get my taxes done, so I can plan accordingly to pay off my mechanic.  Any donations will be gladly accepted.  Just throw me an email...LOL

Do I look a little stressed?

Yep, that was me at the start of my workday.

Actually I knew yesterday that today was going to be murder on the FQA homefront. Since I am team leader (aka lower class management...lol) I had more jobs than people to get 'er done, and quite frankly it was getting worse by the minute. It seems the recording lines for the doctors were busy, busy, busy! this weekend.  We had tons of work to get out. 

Some of my FQA people can do certain clients, some can not, therefore complicating my dilemma, and furthermore the same sick chicka yesterday evening, let me know she wasn't working today, and client who has a 4-hour turn around and a 6-hour turn around TX client would need coverage.  I was not doing it again tonight, yesterday I had no volunteers...just they wait until they want vacation time! ha!

By 3 p.m., thanks to my diligent staff and much coercion by myself for them to work over if need be, we had this thing licked and we didn't have to work over! and I have coverage for TX and stat files.  Damn I'm good.

..and how was your Monday?

Neglected..

Yes, I feel as though this blog has fallen by the wayside into some dark alley...

with being sick here for a few weeks, and schedules being what they are, any free time I get I'm pretty much exhausted and lounging in my bed. Work and everybody else's needs are drowning me...

To be a clown was to be fate's pawn. The life in the arena was a dumb show consisting of slaps, kicks - an endless shuffling and booting about. And it was by means of this disgraceful rigolade that one found favour with the public. The beloved clown! It was his special privilege to re-enact the errors, the follies, the stupidities, all the misunderstandings that plague humankind. To be ineptitude itself, that was something even the dullest oaf could grasp. Not to understand, when all is clear as daylight; not to catch on, though the trick be repeated a thousand times for you.

- Henry Miller "The Smile at the Foot of the Ladder"

I hurt and have a temperature too...

hey bloggers,

I didn't fall off the face of the earth, just been sick.  This started last Saturday, it has now been a week, saw my family doctor twice, and I can't say I'm much better. 

I've had temps as high as 102.7, not yet coming back to normal, and after bloodwork and a few x-rays on my 2nd visit, my doctor told me I have pneumonia. 

No other real symptoms, except for coughing that burns like fire in my chest, headache, bodyaches, weakness; no GI distress stuff, except for one time nearly passing out when I got up on Wednesday; this causing nausea with a throbbing headache prompting a doctor visit again; if I could have thrown up then perhaps my headache would have subsided. 

I've been on 1500 mg of antibiotics a day, plus have had two shots, still this fever persists.  I now am sore in my chest.  I am wondering if I should just go to the ER, last night my friend tried to talk me into it; my fever was way over 102.  Today its not normal, but its tolerable. 

Bella has a game today she is cheering at.  I had to miss them last week.  I am going to go if I croak over.  I ain't dead yet.

It's Official...

I am the permanent relative placement of my granddaughter, BellaRose. Its been a long year dealing with grown adult children issues, courts, social workers, holding down a full-time job, and mothering an 8-year-old, but tears welled in my eyes in the courtroom happy to be able to provide her stability and guidance that she needs to become a beautiful young lady. When I told Bella she leaped into my arms and hugged me close! Nothing can top that. One of the highlights of my life.

The best thing is finally having the legal clout, so I don't have to put up with anymore drama or verbage from her mother, do-less son-in-law, or the have-no-common-sense (clueless) in-laws. Bella is happy here, that's all that matters; to me that's all that ever mattered. Every kid needs to be a kid, not listen to constant arguing, live in a nasty environment, or be emotionally or socially neglected.

 Congrats are in order!     

I am a rock...

so I've been told by my friends.  To my grown daughter, I am a cold stone.  She feels I hate her, and that word pretty much fell out of my mouth unfortunately.  What I said was that I hated her for the drama she had put us through these last 2 to 3 years, her lack of responsibility in working a case plan to get her life in order, get her children back, hold down a job, inability to see that this relationship has been a codependent one enabling both to use/abuse drugs, and doing little to change it. I hate what she has become.  I am not the enemy, rather her mother, who loves her and hates her at the same time.  There is a fine line between the two isn't there?

She's homeless.  I found her in my garage out back knowing full well she is putting her daughter, who lives with me, at risk of removal by Social Services if she 'squats' on my property.  Its hard to tell your grown, obviously mentally confused, and physically sick daughter that you don't care where she has to go, she just has to leave your property/residence.  Its heartwrenching, after a long day's work.  Compassion wants to hold her close and try to fix her even knowing its an impossible task.  She tells me she has little time to live anyway, that I'll be glad when she's gone, as she has a cyst on one of her kidneys, if one can even believe what she says.  If she were dying, she would involve all of her family members, and we would brave the process with her, but that is not the case, and so I believe it to be an untruth; a ploy for sympathy.  No doubt she is sick physically, she is hep C positive due to shared needles.  Reality and common sense tells me I cannot forsake her child to help her, an addicted adult child.  I wished I had the money to put her in an extensive year-long addiction recovery, or at least pay her rent somewhere just to keep her off the street, but I can't; I don't have the luxury of extra cash.  She says she is working everyday with some guy doing odd jobs, she says she is not using, but I found spoons in the garage, wrapped up in a towel.  I can't deal with that, no matter the lies she told me about it; not on my property.  I am not going to jail for gunk in my garage that doesn't even belong to me. 

Its like living a psychological killer movie, destroying families and emotional bonds, and it ends leaving you hanging... wondering....

Lord, give me strength.

Keep her safe. 

Keep me sane. 

Tonight my heart feels heavy and the tears free fall. 

Tomorrow will be a new fuck-o-meter day, we'll see where the pointer goes!

Thanks for listening.

UPDATE:

Not long after I arrived home today (the day after this post 08/24) my daughter in question arrived to my residence with a representative from the local Women's Shelter. It appears that she will be receiving help due to the fact that she is homeless, is in a codependent/abusive relationship and is without family support at this time. Her worker was previously a client there herself, who has taken Rae on as her advocate worker to get her services, and the help she needs, both physically and mentally, and get her back into the real world. Rae seemed happy to finally be able to talk to someone who has been there and turned their negative situation into a positive one, and she is hoping to do the same. My daughter's road is a long one to travel but I do have faith she can do it. My Dad always told us girls that we were made out of tough stuff, and he's right. I am breathing a sigh of relief at the moment. I guess a few prayers didn't hurt either. Thank you, thank you for small miracles, one baby step at a time.

The First Day of Third Grade.

"Mamaw, I had the best day!" she blurted out as she came running from the bus. 

This year has been a lot of change for Bella, now 8, not living with her parents anymore, and being separated from her brother; he lives with his paternal grandparents since January; Bella has lived with me, her maternal grandmother, since April.  She sees her brother weekly but its not the same.  She loves her mother but does not see her much either.  She tells me that she loves her mom but she does not want to live with her mom.  She needs stability and routine, and love mixed with discipline; something she did not get when she lived with her paternal grandparents or with her parents for that matter.

She was really having a hard time back late winter/spring this year being separated from her mother, and mother-in-law and her did not get along; perhaps because mother-in-law did not like my daughter (Bella's mother).  Bella felt constantly picked on and her feelings ignored, while her brother was lavished with attention and could do no wrong in the eyes of her paternal grandparents.  It was awful for her.  In court in March, mother-in-law said she did not want Bella, that she could not handle both of them, and Bella was made a ward of the State.  Bella is not mother-in-law's blood granddaughter; my daughter was married to her son, who is Bella's little brother's father.  She is living here with me as a relative placement, and thank God! moving here was the best thing that ever happened to the kid.  No more of those bad fit-throwing behaviors; she was a different kid.  She was living in such stress out there with her parents and the in-laws. 

Those days are long-gone, but Bella still expresses concern over her brother living out there.  She wants him here with us.  I'm not so sure I could take on a 4-year-old too.  He's a handful, now with bad behaviors himself, terribly spoiled, and still not potty-trained! All summer long he was not put in any type of program to be around other kids his age, just left to run around that nasty house of the in-laws, rip, roarin' and tearin'!  I put Bella in a summer Y camp so I could work at my own expense.  I think it is so important for kids to socialize with other children their age.  Anita (mother-in-law) kept saying how she needed to put Wyatt in daycare a few days a week to be around other kids, but never did.  Unbelievable that both mother and father-in-law are home all day with Wyatt and he runs around in a diaper at 4.  Its shameful.  She says, "Wyatt won't wear his underwear without a fit.." I say, big frickin' deal, you're the boss, you make the rules, not Wyatt!  He could go to HeadStart this fall, which I've told Anita for the past 3 months, but they won't take him in diapers!  Wyatt became her responsibility in January of this year, plenty enough time for a college educated teacher to have potty-trained a 4-year-old...makes me cringe! However, should I really be surprised?  She has never let her grown son really grow up, and she keeps making excuses for him as he sits in a jail cell due to probation violation over drugs?  She obviously is so lackadaisical in consistency if she is even trying at all.  He knows the rules here, and pretty much abides by them when he's here...out at the in-laws there are no rules.  Sad. Bella rarely goes out there anymore and that is her choice.  I usually bring Wyatt here to visit.  Give him to me for a week and he'd be potty trained!

Before the bus came this morning there was a discussion about what to do in case the bus brought her home and I was not there yet from work.  I told her not to worry, that I would always be there on time if possible, but the car could tear up or traffic could be backed up, any number of things, but it was important for her not to panic or get upset.  The school bus driver would know what to do, and the school would call someone on the contact list if I was not available, and I would see her as soon as I could. 

I have a meeting on September 1st, a review of this case, and if all goes well, Bella will become a permanent placement here with me.  I sure hope so.  I can't imagine her with anybody else. I'm the only person who has been in her life from day 1, outside of her mother. 

Seeing that smile on her face at the end of her first day of school made my day!  All that nervousness she had about a new school just vanished. 

Tonight was open house, and her teacher is wonderful! We are going to have a stellar year! The prinicipal already knows her on a first-name basis!  Yep, its back to homework, projects, and an early bedtime with hugs and an I love you tuck in!

speaking of which...I'm outta hea!

We Interrupt This Regularly Scheduled Program...

Ah now here's a concept bloggers. Few, if any, I would imagine practice this. I wouldn't say I was a hoarder by no means far from it, but I guess I would classify myself as a collector of boxed joy! Why do we hold onto this stuff?

I think we keep boxed up 'joy' cause somehow its magical, a piece of us or of our children growing up, shut away, to open up from time to time to pull memories and good times from. I have a closet full. Here recently I was cleaning out my closet in the dining room looking for something (which I never found) but I came across a box of my ex, John's things; things he treasured, pictures, scrapbooks with his family, pieces of his life and it really touched me emotionally, reminding me of the void I still feel at the loss of a best friend. Its been 5 years. His niece had called me a couple of days later, and I told her about finding it, and told her these pictures and memorabilia of her family belonged with them. I'll be happy to relinquish his box of joy to her. Sadly, John had no children of his own but that never stopped him from 'fathering' a few with love and support, like he did my girls.

I'm thinking if I died tomorrow what good is any of my "boxed joy" to anybody else? Its just one more thing for them to have to go through and pack up again or perhaps throw away. Once we're gone, so dies the memories, and our boxes of 'joy' becomes pretty much 'uselss junk' to everybody else. Perhaps our stuff will end up on a flea market table exposing our most intimate thoughts or even our underwear to the world, and our other stuff we paid 'a fortune for' laying there being pimped out cheap! oh the suffrage of thinking about it!

Somehow its all relative though isn't it? We go through our parents stuff, our kids will be going through ours. Speaking of relatives, I have a few that are useless, some that are less than joyful, and I'd like to get rid of them sometimes...lol...and yes, some are beautiful in ways they don't even know! but I need to start cleaning out my closets. Speaking of which, when my youngest daughter came to stay here a few weeks ago, she went through my walk-in closet upstairs in my bedroom trying to make room for her stuff, coming across a few items that would require no discussion, only an "OhMyGod!" mom!!!!!!

yeah...


I loved it~!