Anti-Barbie...

I've decided to start my own line of dolls. I'm calling it the Real Woman's Collection and I'm starting at the top (of the perfect, plastic head that is). How many women do you know with hair like Barbie's? Sleek, flawless, practically glowing? I'll tell you, none. That’s because REAL women have spilt ends, gray hair, Miss Clairol color, dandruff and sometimes even a few thin, near-balding spots. So much for that supernatural mane.

Make way for the Bad Hair Barbie! Instead of having her own pink plastic comb and tiara, she'll come with her own shower cap, hair net or wiglet. You go girl.

Of course, we'll have a little Miss PMS Barbie. This charmer comes complete with Valium bottle, bloating body and a rotating head so you can change her moods with a simple touch. Now that's a toy even a mother could love!

Let's not forget Thunder Thighs Barbie. Sporting her elastic waistband jeans, double chin and jiggly upper arms, she'll make every girl feel better about her own body. Who said toys can't be therapeutic? Not me.

BiFOcals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue & Martha Stewart Living!!

Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie’s bellybutton and watch her face turn bett red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues!!

Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror!

Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front ... two-Moo-Moos with tummy-support panels are included. (holy cow!!!)

Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stilletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie’s arched little petite feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules!

No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow’s-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie’s own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-leader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Fred (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.

The collection of course, won't be complete without the full line of accessories. No snazzy sports car for our beauty. She'll drive a real woman's car. Maybe a 1979 Buick, complete with rust spots, smoking tailpipe, and torn upholstery? Let's hear it for NO more disappointed 16 year olds expecting that pink corvette in their driveway.

No super speedboat, no sporty little jeep, and no mammoth sized motor home. If truth is what we seek, we'll find an inflatable dinghy, a leaky tent and a push mower in this garage. Call it ugly, call it painful but call it fact.

The grand finale of our real woman's collection will have to be that man of mystery, Ken. Don’t get me wrong I appreciate Ken's great tan, his muscle bound physique, his great teeth but, remember that the key word here is reality. In my quest for truth I'd have to give Ken a bad hair cut, (real hair please no more of this plastic head stuff), a little middle age spread (aka potbelly), hair in his ears, a remote control adhered to his hand and of course, appropriate sound effects (burping, snoring and other bodily noises I can't bring myself to mention). One more word about our hunky helpmate before we move on. Has anybody else noticed that Ken has problems keeping a job? Aside from his stint as 'Malibu Ken' the surfer dude, has he ever had a lasting occupation? I thought I spotted a Doctor Ken at Wal-Mart once, but there was only one and he was in the clearance aisle. Guess Ken just doesn't have what it takes to make it in the working world.

Wish me luck ladies. Finally, we mere mortals with less than perfect skin, flat feet and those tiny facial hair problems will have a role model too. So what if I don't have my own ice cream parlor, airplane or elevator? So what if all my outfits don’t' have coordinating shoes and handbags? Can't I still be an astronaut, a movie star or a doctor? Sure I can.

With the dawn of the new millennium, anything is possible. Maybe this will be the year that America's sweetheart finds a new hair stylist, (same hair for what, 40 years now, geesh!), considers some breast reduction surgery (how would you like to carry those coconuts around for the better part of a century?) and gets rid of that freeloading Ken (time to get a man who can hold a job). Move over Barbie, there's a new girl in town. She's new, she's improved and realistic plastic!

haha!

EXCUSE YOU!!

(post forthcoming! just a little delay!) ... and while you're waiting on this post to materialize ...

Ponder this ...

Are they real? or are they saline? OKAY, so who really cares, eh?

I gotta a joke for ya!


A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.

The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man's not sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you¢ve taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently!

Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?"

The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."



I couldn't help it!

Holey Moley...

A little old lady decided she wanted to get new carpet installed in her living room.

The carpet layer had just finished installing the carpet for her.

He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize that he had lost his
cigarettes.

In the middle the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack smokes," he said to himself.
He proceeded to take his hammer and flatten the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the little old lady came in.

"Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway."

"Now," she said, "if only I could find my sweet little hamster."  

Softly Comes The Evening...

Once upon a time, I sat on my porch to soak in the dreamy warmth of a beautiful Spring evening. Queued by my presence, Twilight summoned the soft croon of a melody in the distance orchestrating a magnificent exodus of the weary Sun. There were no lines in this particular production, no need for dress rehearsals and costume changes. Patrons, such as I, were encouraged to discard any worry of missing a vital scene. And so I complied...

I felt mellow breezes dancing freely among loose tendrils, the warmth of a teacup cradled between my palms and the fluttery tickle of a delicate cotton skirt against my leg. I could hear the flutter of wings, the scurry of a fuzzy-tailed friend against rigid bark, the tinkle of chimes from the backyard. I could smell a land reborn, rich dark soil and air weighted by the promise of rain. My eyes mused silently at the amazing way muted hues eagerly bloomed as shadows were cast in the eventide - soft ginger among green leaves, delicate blushes of cherry blossoms, golden glows against earthy silhouettes...

...and before night would begin its reign, I smiled my secret smile.

 

The warm sun broke through the clouds. Tired and heart racing I leaned the old chair on it's back legs and sat. No sooner had I caught my breathe when a turkey hen tip toes through dry leave as quiet as smoke.

She stopped for an instant sensing. So still in her earth tone and iridescent tail feathers, she was almost invisible.

A bead of sweat rolled of my cheek as I watched her move athletic grace, down past a sprawling Madrone tree.

A breeze took my thoughts with its passing and in the distance a Tom clucked for his hen.

posted by capananda

So....#2

There was a man who had worked all of his life, saved all of his
money, and was a real miser when it came to money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to
take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my
money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when
he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. (miserable misers make themselves sick worrying over money, which can lead to illness, mostly cancers, and then they kill over...did yuns know?)

Well, while he was on display stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied,"Listen, I'm a Christian I can't go back on my
word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket
with him."

The friend replied, "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

So...

this man walks into a tattoo parlour, and asks the tattoo artist to tattoo a picture of a hundred dollar bill on his penis.



The tattoo artist, being a sensitive man, refuses, telling the man that it would be too painful to do that.

The man insists on having it done, so the tattoo artist tells him that if he can come up with three good reasons to have it done, then he would do it.

The man tells him, "

#1, "I like to play with my money.

#2, I like to watch my money grow.

and

#3 My wife will blow a hundred bucks everyday!!"

BADA-BOOM !!!!

Tuesdays Trials and Tribulations...

To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own,
grandchildren,
nieces,
nephews,
or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was
"DON'T!"

"Don't what?"
Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
God said.

"Forbidden fruit?
We have forbidden fruit?

Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!"

"No way!"?

"Yes way!"?

"Do NOT eat the fruit! "
said God.

"Why?"  You dare you question the Great & Powerful OZ ?? just kidding ~ now on with the story ...

"Because I am your Father and I said so ! "
God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? "
God asked.

"Uh huh,"
Adam replied.

"Then why did you? "
retorted the Father.

"I don't know,"
said Eve.

"She started it! "
Adam said.

"Did not! "

"Did too! "

"DID NOT! "

Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children,what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you.  In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in!

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your
nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN"

AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

haha Mondays premature ejaculation on a Sunday?!

After an 83-year-old lady finished her annual physical examination, her doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Kuhlman, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband, “she said.

She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud: "Bob, do we still have intercourse?"

There was a complete hush - you could have heard a pin drop.

Bob answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I've told you a hundred times...

What we have is


"Blue Cross!"  


and now ...

Prevent inbreeding....ban country music.

Spring...and a favorite...

A Lemon

Out of lemon flowers

loosed

on the moonlight, love's

lashed and insatiable

essences,

sodden with fragrance,

the lemon tree's yellow

emerges,

the lemons

move down

from the tree's planetarium

Delicate merchandise!

The harbors are big with it-

bazaars

for the light and the

barbarous gold.

We open

the halves

of a miracle,

and a clotting of acids

brims

into the starry

divisions:

creation's

original juices,

irreducible, changeless,

alive:

so the freshness lives on

in a lemon,

in the sweet-smelling house of the rind,

the proportions, arcane and acerb.

Cutting the lemon

the knife

leaves a little cathedral:

alcoves unguessed by the eye

that open acidulous glass

to the light; topazes

riding the droplets,

altars,

aromatic facades.

So, while the hand

holds the cut of the lemon,

half a world

on a trencher,

the gold of the universe

wells

to your touch:

a cup yellow

with miracles,

a breast and a nipple

perfuming the earth;

a flashing made fruitage,

the diminutive fire of a planet.

Pablo Neruda

The Odd Egg

Little BellaRose and I were coloring eggs yesterday evening.

Today we took them out and odd thing, this one egg has this message picture on it?

Now, don't think I'm crazy but this was NOT on this egg when we put those up last night. Neither of us made any types of designs on these eggs; they were strictly colored with the Paas kits.

Any clue as to what this might mean? Perhaps I need to be living at the foot of the cross for awhile...geeze I'm not that bad a sinner!



here's a closeup. okay after inspection I found no other strange eggs or markings at all. Is this just odd or what? There are absolutely no cracks in this egg either. I don't understand why these freaky things happen to me...LOL...I just hope this is a blessing, not a curse! My sister asked me if anything weird had happened yesterday while we were talking on the phone, but up that point in time nothing had; she and I were discussing mom who passed away and her recent birthday was March 25th. The reason she asked me that was because a while after mom passed away, my sister's daughter, Marissa, was with a friend of hers who had somebody over who supposedly was a "medium." Marissa asked her if she could contact my mother, and supposedly things were said that only mother would have known and of course the family. My sister would say the egg markings was my mother's way of letting us know she was still around! ha! I don't know how or why it got there, but maybe I should throw it up on E-bay?

What do you make of it bloggers? Happy Easter to yuns.

haha Mondays on a Sunday

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Creepiest video ever....

and on that note, Happy Easter to yuns!

Funny Excerpts from around the Blog World!

I once worked part time at a confectionery store and at Easter we'd have to ice people's names or messages onto chocolate eggs. One of my neighbors, whom I disliked intensely, placed an order for her daughter, Virginia, who was in my class at school and a real bully. She picked her egg up after work, all neatly sealed inside a decorative box and tied with a bow. She came right back on the following Tuesday spitting with anger, because her daughter was humiliated when she opened the box and saw that we spelled her name wrong. Poor Vagina. It can happen to anyone. 

Compliments of ….http://vegetableassassin.blogspot.com/

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak.

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY :
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls'

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.' My sister started to laugh hysterically.  The boy grinned, and I t urned beet-red and walked away.  To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished.. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'  The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.  Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.  I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?  My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.  One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands.  It was very busy, with a full dining room.  While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven- month-old daughter, she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said 'No'.  I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.  Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeksand yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!' While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:  'So Bob , where's that 6 inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Funny excerpts taken from Lorna @ http://lornacheyenne.blogspot.com/


"He gets along well with his living girlfriend."

I should say so! hahaha.

Tiffed at somebody? Tell them to "Take a flyin' leap at a rollin' doughnut!"