Anti-Barbie...

I've decided to start my own line of dolls. I'm calling it the Real Woman's Collection and I'm starting at the top (of the perfect, plastic head that is). How many women do you know with hair like Barbie's? Sleek, flawless, practically glowing? I'll tell you, none. That’s because REAL women have spilt ends, gray hair, Miss Clairol color, dandruff and sometimes even a few thin, near-balding spots. So much for that supernatural mane.

Make way for the Bad Hair Barbie! Instead of having her own pink plastic comb and tiara, she'll come with her own shower cap, hair net or wiglet. You go girl.

Of course, we'll have a little Miss PMS Barbie. This charmer comes complete with Valium bottle, bloating body and a rotating head so you can change her moods with a simple touch. Now that's a toy even a mother could love!

Let's not forget Thunder Thighs Barbie. Sporting her elastic waistband jeans, double chin and jiggly upper arms, she'll make every girl feel better about her own body. Who said toys can't be therapeutic? Not me.

BiFOcals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue & Martha Stewart Living!!

Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie’s bellybutton and watch her face turn bett red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues!!

Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror!

Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front ... two-Moo-Moos with tummy-support panels are included. (holy cow!!!)

Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stilletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie’s arched little petite feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules!

No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow’s-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie’s own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-leader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Fred (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.

The collection of course, won't be complete without the full line of accessories. No snazzy sports car for our beauty. She'll drive a real woman's car. Maybe a 1979 Buick, complete with rust spots, smoking tailpipe, and torn upholstery? Let's hear it for NO more disappointed 16 year olds expecting that pink corvette in their driveway.

No super speedboat, no sporty little jeep, and no mammoth sized motor home. If truth is what we seek, we'll find an inflatable dinghy, a leaky tent and a push mower in this garage. Call it ugly, call it painful but call it fact.

The grand finale of our real woman's collection will have to be that man of mystery, Ken. Don’t get me wrong I appreciate Ken's great tan, his muscle bound physique, his great teeth but, remember that the key word here is reality. In my quest for truth I'd have to give Ken a bad hair cut, (real hair please no more of this plastic head stuff), a little middle age spread (aka potbelly), hair in his ears, a remote control adhered to his hand and of course, appropriate sound effects (burping, snoring and other bodily noises I can't bring myself to mention). One more word about our hunky helpmate before we move on. Has anybody else noticed that Ken has problems keeping a job? Aside from his stint as 'Malibu Ken' the surfer dude, has he ever had a lasting occupation? I thought I spotted a Doctor Ken at Wal-Mart once, but there was only one and he was in the clearance aisle. Guess Ken just doesn't have what it takes to make it in the working world.

Wish me luck ladies. Finally, we mere mortals with less than perfect skin, flat feet and those tiny facial hair problems will have a role model too. So what if I don't have my own ice cream parlor, airplane or elevator? So what if all my outfits don’t' have coordinating shoes and handbags? Can't I still be an astronaut, a movie star or a doctor? Sure I can.

With the dawn of the new millennium, anything is possible. Maybe this will be the year that America's sweetheart finds a new hair stylist, (same hair for what, 40 years now, geesh!), considers some breast reduction surgery (how would you like to carry those coconuts around for the better part of a century?) and gets rid of that freeloading Ken (time to get a man who can hold a job). Move over Barbie, there's a new girl in town. She's new, she's improved and realistic plastic!