free falling...

"I have come to accept the feeling of not knowing where I am going and I have trained myself to love it.  Because it is only when we are suspended in mid-air with no landing in sight, that we force our wings to unravel and alas begin our flight. And as we fly, we still may not know where we are going to. But the miracle is in the unfolding of the wings. You may not know where you're going, but you know that so long as you spread your wings, the winds will carry you.”

 - quote author is C. Joy Bell C -"

I ran across this quote when I was out surfing and it got me to thinking, could I ever accept that feeling of not knowing where I was going and condition myself to living that way...in all honesty, the last time my life felt out of control was in 1998 when I went through a bitter divorce.  I picked myself up, and have been working at the same place of employment since that time.  I've been in control of my life, so I'm not sure how I would cope with not being in control and just drifting into uncertainty.  Choices lead us to a place of contentment, which is where I am now and have been for years now.  I think we all get to used to the life we have created for ourselves and any change undoubtedly could be scary, especially when talking about finances.

  

At this time of the year, I am struggling to find the joy, or enjoy this vacation time, as company cuts are coming once again, and I find myself inevitably dreading the start of the New Year that could possibly find me unemployed.  The week before Thanksgiving we were told to take any vacation time as we could not carry over 40 hours anymore but only 16 hours.   I've seen people I thought more necessary to the company than myself get whacked with a phone call on payday.  I am nobody special and I don't have a big fancy degree or title or power.  I've cried over cuts for those I've lost as coworkers.  I have managed to keep a job despite numerous cuts ... but the dread is always there ... and the dread messes with your psyche, like being in limbo, its like a slow death that you know its coming... its just the uncertainty of when.

The #1 focus is to move all work offshore and they are almost there.  My people are running low if not out of work esp in lieu of the fact that the last of our accounts will be transitioned offshore this month.  I believe myself to be a strong individual and a survivor, so why would I need to fear this dread?

my only answer is my fear of falling...into the unknown. 

For now...I'll try not think about it.  I'll listen to Einaudi instead.  There are no words to describe the feelings of his music...its pure bliss ... I'll just close my eyes and let it take me away to perhaps that place of contentment...a most beautiful place with no worries.

seasons of Christmas

 

“Soon the child’s clear eye is clouded over by ideas and opinions, preconceptions, and abstractions. Simple free being becomes encrusted with the burdensome armor of the ego. Not until years later does an instinct come that a vital sense of mystery has been withdrawn. The sun glints through the pines and the heart is pierced in a moment of beauty and strange pain, like a memory of paradise. After that day, we become seekers.” 

 

—Peter Muryo Matthiessen, courtesy of Parabola Magazine

I grew up in a poor family, one of six siblings. We never got fancy toys, electronics, or designer clothing, but we were rich in the love that absorbed through every fiber of that Christmas day.  

Forever embedded in my memory is that of Dad's face as he opened up those socks or other articles that we wrapped with such anticipation ... and the thank you of tears that feel from his eyes because his children would go to such lengths to give him gifts that money couldn't buy.  I have to say Mom was not as joyous, as she didn't partake in the bubbly as Dad did, but she had a lot to contend with and always made sure our Christmas was the best she could possibly do. 

It wasn’t until I grew up, became an adult, 

that Christmas seemed to lose all its magic, wonder and glory.  

 For it was as an adult that I began to feel sadness at this time of year.  

The sadness stems from so commercialization and very little to do with the true meaning of Christmas ... perhaps sadness that so many never experience the simple joy of rewrapped love.  

Make yours memorable.

Xmas Past

 

 I remember my sister who always had a knack for painting and making crafts.  One year, she made Christmas ornaments with clothespins, and this was circa 1970.  They were absolutely gorgeous.  She made women with umbrellas and dresses that she used tissue to expand so they would look like they had a petticoat, using rick-rack and making hats and umbrellas.  They were definitely unique and I loved them. She also made nutcrackers in uniforms, I wished I still had some of those ornaments.  These ornaments shown below are cute, but not as original or as good as my sisters! She would make the puffy sleeves...I am going to have to do my homework...:)


I went looking online for hints this year to try to recreate that memory past, and make my own with my granddaughter, and I came across several ideas.  I want to make these angels.  I have tons of sheet music, none of which I really want to cut up, but I'm sure I can find some at my local flea market.  I'm off to go look! then its off to the craft department for all the little things I need, like eyes to put on top of their head to string through, string, and other stuff I might need to include some glue and a little bottle to put the glue in cause this could get a little tedious, but worth it!  If you haven't done this, maybe you'll give it a try, or have your kids make them.  You will need to buy the clothespins that stand and do not pinch.  You could make a wreath out of the ones that pinch by using a coathanger and putting them around it and tying on a bow.  That's a simple project.  In any event, happy Xmas decorating! :) 

Too Tired to Rant...even

 

Cold weather.  Rain.  Fatigue.  Yeah.  I'm so tired of working.  Today I was supposed to be off half a day, but I had to retract my request to burn some vacation time due to the fact that I had way too much to take care of at work, and we were just swamped.  This company is getting ready to lay off people again, because the work is being shipped offshore (you know they can pay 3 people what they have to pay one US employee), so we will be doing 3x what we should ordinarily have to.  As it is already, its hard to find coverage for when people need a day off, or have hours to burn so they don't lose..even for yourself! Not to mention HR told us that we can no longer carry over 40 hours of vacation, but with only a month to burn 93 hours, did they expect I would really fit all my time in and not lose any hours? Well...I guess not, because I couldn't even take off half a day today...

My boss, who I no longer have to cover for, because somebody in upper management felt someone else should cover for her, (funny I still have to do things that her cover should be doing and my bosses boss ask me to do...), seems to still think she needs to call me and hold me on the phone while putting me behind on things I have to do.  I inform her that my title was debunked from QA Team Lead to just QA, whatever the hell that means, and now I am forced to keep a QA log of every thing I do all day, and am expected to meet some form of production (line count) when clearly that is not my job.  I am expected to watch the system, clear out jobs from a customer service account, talk and console my used to be boss, email, make tickets, work with other customer service Reps, make pools, adjust poolscripts, drown in CS files...and still keep a production line count? I think not...I am some form of QA management but technically I'm not management, but in reality it still feels like I am and obviously my boss didn't get that memo, so I am in a state of confusion, now does that make any sense? It doesn't to me either.

My boss is off this next week, but I am expected to train somebody to cover my vacation while I'm off the week after (the week of the 15th through the 19th) and then 3 more days, got Xmas off, and Friday the 26th a floating holiday, so technically even though its only 64 hours off instead of 80 it looks like its two weeks total.  i can't wait to get the helloutofDodge!  If they can do without me that long, then chances are they'll fire me, eh? its not like HR gave us three months to work off vacation hours that we thought we could carry over into the New Year.  Ordinarily, I would ever ask for that many days off in a row, but that is how it is worked out.  My boss has been too busy with everybody else's schedules and making sure time off requests were met, while I've had my requests in and if she thought my taking off 8 days in a row was a problem she could have said something, all she said was you better make sure everything you do all day long is covered by someone else.  Well, if I had that kind of coverage I could have taken half a day off couldn't I? yeah...right... it just blows!  Technically I am supposed to cover for someone when they're off and they have to cover for me, but how does that work when we work 2 different shifts pretty much, and I work Monday-Friday, she works Tuesday-Saturday...isn't that a crock of BS! When the cuts come, my head will probably be on the chopping block but for now...

I am just too tired to care...maybe tomorrow.