The Dead Heart...

A heart shaped stump complete with ventricles.

no longer beating ... no longer necessary

sustaining no more...

Yesterday I received a phone call about a relative of sorts, "Uncle Dick". It seems his body was found in the house my teenager used to live in with her dad, stepmom and such other various foster kids, two of whom my ex is accused of committing sexual crimes against. I just read yesterday that the local courts convicted a sex offender just this week, same judge who will be trying his case. Her dad has been in jail since August and Uncle Dick (ex's brother) had been living in their house. I didn't know he was that sick, however he looked really thin and frail.  I don't think anybody realized how bad sick he was, but he had multiple health problems to include a history of bladder cancer, pancreatitis, chronic alcoholism (although he quit 8 years earlier), and diabetes. It's sad really.

Last time my teenager saw Uncle, it was a few days before Christmas when I took her out there. Him and I have been estranged for years, except for an occasional call to my residence when Bobbi was here on the weekends, and haven't had a chance to really sit down and air out the "old laundry" since he came here from Florida to handle his brother's affairs and due to the tension of loyalties due to this upcoming trial. Guess he won't be a character witness for his brother, and according to what I found out from a friend of his for almost 40 years who called today, it seems that "Uncle Dick" pretty much felt that his brother would be convicted.

Well, my teen no longer has a Disneyland Uncle, but she doesn't seem to be that bothered by it. In fact, she hasn't said a word to me about it since yesterday when I gave her the grave news. I am not surprised by her lack of empathy; after all, she was raised by her father who shut her down emotionally many many years ago, and now she is mine to fix. Lord knows I have to protect her, especially now from her own Dad. He has lost every family member he has; no mother, father, or brother and God forbid by some miracle he is not convicted because he could crack at some point, realize everything he has is gone, and take his life as well as the life of my daughter.

I remember my ex's haunting words many years ago, "I will do anything it takes to take her away from you..." and he has been a thorn in my side for way too many years, and destroyed her psyche in his quest for what? to protect her from the very one who truly loves her? Her mother? Yes, he is capable of taking her life with his, in one last selfish act.

Death Of The Uncle ..

I remember seeing him outside the car the first time a few months ago ,and I thought to myself how sick and frail he looks, and so skinny. Does he have Aids? Was the first thought going through my mind. My Bobbi didn't seem to notice or care much about his health, despite my asking her, and my concern that he would be driving? I didn't realize how really sick he was, as he never confided to me. I hate it that he and I never had a chance to clear the air, but I could have said the same of his parents, who passed on and I didn't get closure with that either. I suppose when my ex dies that will totally close that chapter in my life book too. The uncle had diabetes, and at one point had prostate cancer supposedly in remission or I was told? I don't know the cause, he had multiple health problems I"m sure. The last time I took Bobbi out there, she said he could hardly walk and the house was trashed. He would always text Bobbi ..sometimes she felt he ignored her..telling her that he had friends over and was going to friend's so I just assumed that somebody was looking in on him from time to time, as should have been the case if he chose to confide how sick he was to somebody.

The first thing, Sandy (my ex-s second wife said ..."What goes around...comes around." and she's right ...

The coroner had called me from jail I guess he had gone to tell Bob about his brother about a couple of hours ago, and he inadvertently asked me if I wanted to talk to Bob, my ex, and I said reluctantly okay thinking he wanted to talk to me or something. I could hear in his voice he was torn up, of course he would be, and I expressed to him my sympathy over his loss. That wipes out his whole immediate family, well, except for Bobbi. The only reason Bobbi got upset was because I was teared up when I told her, but she was fine really. No big display of grief or nothing. I think she was upset more that she did not get to talk to her Dad. It just is upsetting to me that Dick and I could not talk about the interests of Bobbi face to face due to the circumstances surrounding this court stuff, and that he could not confide in me how sick he truly was, so I could have provided him more time with Bobbi. All he ever did was text Bobbi on her phone. Bob said something about his dog, and asked me if I would want it, if not, let Sandy's daughter take him. He asked me to speak to Bobbi, I said not right now, and asked if he could call her sometime. I told him I would have to discuss it.

Well he's next to go. Up river.

I sit here at the moment, remembering an incident when Bob, my ex, was standing inches from my face raging his tongue at me many years ago that he would use whatever he could to take Bobbi away from me, and coupled with countless other things he had done, I realized this man was truly evil; he stood there spouting that if my other two kids were in the middle of the road on fire he wouldn't even spit on them (which he supposedly had a hand in raising and abusing just like all of us) that he was totally incapable of love; all he wanted was manipulation and control.

I looked at him, and I said, "One of these days, all this evil stuff you've said and done will come back to you...you wait and see" He said is that a threat? I said, "No, that's a promise. Karma will take care of your evil ass."

yep, karma.

A few minutes after telling Bobbi, her first concern was calling her Aunt Betty whom she hasn't seen in years (my ex's and the uncle's mother's sister), "What about the car?" that was her biggest concern ... the car and the house out there. I am not surprised at her callousness, as this is a product of his raising her. I have been concerned about her lack of empathy for a while now. This is nothing new. She was raised with callousness and emotional abuse, does anybody expect her to really care? She has a right to know what is legally hers since her father is now in jail and nobody is in her house.

Dirt Poor

 

The other day, I was reminded of the luxuries that most of us take for granted.

I was typing a psychological report and the lady was describing a claimant who had come in applying for disability due to psychological reasons.

In describing his appearance, the psychiatrist used the word filthy more than once, as well as malodorous. She said his clothes were filthy, and from her description it was apparent she was a bit uncomfortable with his appearance, and with the stench that filled the room. However he was polite during the interview as he relayed his story and his symptoms. As the interview progressed it became apparent to her why he was so filthy and disheveled, as he had no running water or electricity, and slept for nearly 14 hours every day.

He told her that he had bought this little house on E-Bay moving across the U.S. to live in a cabin in West Virginia. He had the promise of starting over in a new place, almost a year earlier after a divorce, only to now have no income, on Food Stamps, and inability to hold down a job due to posttraumatic stress disorder. His PTSD came as a result of seeing someone murdered in his home, by someone he had trusted and let move in. He was awaiting court proceedings as a witness however was fearing for his own life.

It just got me to thinking how fragile life is. We just never know what is around the corner for us, do we? Fragility and circumstances can turn our lives upside-down.

Just when I get to feeling sorry for myself and my daily struggles, I forget that I have much to be thankful for, and that includes running water and a job.

Didn't I Already Know This?

Here is your horoscope for Saturday, January 3:

Do you feel lost? It's not so bad -- or surprising -- if you do. In fact, you may be going in circles, but that's just because it's not time for you to move on quite yet. That time is coming soon!

Actually, I don't even check my yahoo mail that often, but I decided it probably needed weeding out, and clicked on this this horoscope thingy just for fun, go figure. ha! this certainly hit the nail on the head, huh?

A Love Letter ...

I came in here this morning and I read the line about spending more time with "D" but that is hardly something I can make happen. He calls the shots on that one, not me. He is not mine per se. He belongs not to me. My heart is a little heavy this morning. I always get this way when I'm in pain more so than when I'm not in pain. The work schedule is going to be messed up with trying to juggle Bobbi back and forths to high school. I am dreading it. Work is no doubt going to have a hissy fit on me. I guess the worst thing that could happen is that I would lose my job and ultimately lose this home I've struggled to make payments on since late 2003.

I sent an email to my supervisor at home this morning asking her to work a few hours today, which is going to hurt like hell since my shoulders/neck are already burning and hurting and it's only 10 a.m.? I probably need to load up a syringe and give myself a double dose of Vitamin B12, so I'm headed up to get that done.

As far as "D" I think the following letter expresses my feelings pretty well; however I have to make myself want to believe it. I guess I still want the fantasy because somehow the reality is just too harsh.

It is tragic that two words as innocuous as lonely and sad encompass such a wide range of emotions. It's been a lonely few months for me, struggling and handling everything alone. I guess lonely can be filled up with anything other than personal love. Were you ever really lonely? I wonder ... was I nothing but a convenience? one you never expected to really involve yourself with? one you care about only when you chose to care? ... I wonder, are you lonely now? I wonder what feeling if any, will come over you when you realize that I will no longer be present anymore in your life. It has been a stark realization for me that you are not present in mine; your real life only serves as a reminder that I am not in it.

I had spent so much effort and desire on you. I wasted nothing in telling you how much you meant to me … months came and went and rarely did you ever go without hearing a word of love slip from my lips, most over it over the phone or online, still all of those times dictated by you. I never once called you. I followed the rules, respecting your privacy, but in that process I was left outside your life. It was hard to face that fact, but I fell for the fantasy of us. I tried to show you in every way, shape, and form that I possibly could that I cared deeply, truly. I tried to ease the loneliness I felt you had in your life, and fill mine as well.

Nights of sleeplessness spent calling to you, longing for you. Somewhere, back in the deepest reaches and recollections of my memory I remember you telling me and I confiding in you of my feelings of sadness and loneliness. You and I both know the feeling of unlovedness, as we have known one another's touch, I am alone still.

She shares your life. Alas, she is not me. And I am sad because I know this fact is real, not imagined. She is there, I am here… alone and lonely for you ~ for the scent of you within my nostrils; lonely for the weight of you against my body, in the confines and security of my bed… and I think to myself how fortunate you are to have found someone to share your life, because it has not happened for me. I quit searching for a partner to share. I waited for the one man that I desired ~ you.

Your scent is almost gone now from within the folds of my mind. I know your scent, even without the physical reminders of it. The scent of your passion burned into my mind and left an indelible mark that can never be erased. Though your scent has faded in this present, it will remain strong, within my heart and mind.

Even as I wait for the impossible dream to come to life, I know that you are not what I need in my life. You are the fantasy that I love; I will always love, but a fantasy nonetheless. So I'll file you away in my memories that have accumulated over the past few years… there you will remain with the other sweet things that touch my heart.

Why can't I just end it? tears fall like rain...

The Red Curtain...

Either one anticipates its opening, or applauds its ending...

 

It always brought me a sense of delight, wonderment, anticipation of what was behind it!

I could use a little delight, wonderment, and anticipation of something good, something to look forward to?! Couldn't we all?

Life right now is hard.  Yes, I know others have it worse, I do give thanks for what I have, at least for the moment.  However, it's been a long few months of ups and downs, scraping the pavement, and I guess I'm really depressed more than I realized.  Lately, I haven't had much to say, and that's okay,  isn't it? We all get that way from time to time. I just haven't bounced back the way I usually do.

In all honestly, I don't recall ever a time feeling this lonely in my life with absolutely no one I felt I could depend on.   It's like being lost without direction, not that I was too good with directions to begin with.  I never could read a map.  Like I said before, I'd probably get lost trying to find my way out of a paper bag, or fight my way out of it.  I'm fighting with a lot here lately.

I don't know when I'll be back, but I'll be checkin' in on those bloggers I've come to love and respect.  

Who knows, maybe this year I"ll find a real life, a real love, and a couch, too! ha!

If you're looking for me ... here I'll be.

New Year 2009 ...

slipped in before I realized it! There was no celebration. I thought my daughter had made plans but her boyfriend came over early and left long before midnight. Neither daughter or I had stayed awake long enough to see the ball drop into 2009, but no big whoop really. This next year will be what it is and nothing more. I want my daughter to realize all the potential she has, and the changes that are headed her way. One thing is for sure, her father's case with go to trial and it will be over, one way or another.

I think all of us are going to be subpoenaed guests by the commonwealth, and I'm not sure Bobbi is ready for this. I do worry that she will suffer more guilt if he does get convicted, but she has information that is similar to other testimony in the case and she will be testifying. The next question is whether we can close the courtroom and even take her dad out. I'm not sure about that one. I just don't think she can handle seeing him sitting there. She hasn't seen him since she left out there in August.

This year, I would love to truly feel loved once again, and I would love to find the joy in family that has been missing for a while. No big resolutions. Looking for nothing but love really.

Word Humor...

An anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by rearranging the letters of another word or phrase.  The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has far too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one!)

• George Bush -- rearrange the letters -- He bugs Gore.
• Dormitory -- rearrange the letters -- Dirty Room.
• Evangelist -- rearrange the letters -- Evil's Agent.
• Desperation -- rearrange the letters -- A Rope Ends It.
• The Morse Code -- rearrange the letters -- Here Come Dots.
• Slot Machines -- rearrange the letters -- Cash Lost In 'Em.
• Animosity -- rearrange the letters -- Is No Amity.
• Mother-in-law -- rearrange the letters -- Woman Hitler.
• Snooze Alarms -- rearrange the letters -- Alas! No More Z's.
• A Decimal Point -- rearrange the letters -- I'm A Dot In Place.
• Eleven plus two -- rearrange the letters -- Twelve plus one.

"If I ever make it on Wheel of Fortune, I'm sneakin' in my own vowels under my jacket. No way I'm gonna pay $250, especially for a 'U'."

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What's another word for "thesaurus?"

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How is it that "Fat Chance" and "Slim Chance" mean the same thing?!?!

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Is there another word for synonym? -- George Carlin

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Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
-- George Carlin

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Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
-- George Carlin

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Why are there five syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

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Did You Know? "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. The longest one-syllable word is "screeched". No word in the English language rhymes with "month". F.Y.I.:  The correct spelling is MILLENNIUM. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable." "OK" is the most used word in the world.

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Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

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And for the grand finale:

• President Clinton of the USA -- can be arranged into -- To Copulate He Finds Interns.