What Little Jimmy Saw...

One day Little Jimmy came running home from school and ran into the kitchen as his mother was going through her recipe books, trying to plan a menu for a party that she was catering.

"Mom, you won't believe what I saw on the way home!" Jimmy said with a sense of urgency.

"And what did you see?", asked his mother.

"Well, I was walking home from school, and I walked past the park.", Jimmy said. As I was walking past the park, I saw Dad drive into the parking lot with his secretary sitting in the passenger seat. After he parked the car, I saw Dad kiss his secretary. After that, she bent over and.........."

Hearing that, Jimmy's mother put her hand over his mouth, not wanting to hear any more. She was so angry, she could just kill Jimmy's father.

After a moment, Jimmy's mother had an idea.

"Jimmy," she said. "Do not say anything about this until you are told. Do you understand?"

"Yes Mom."

Later that evening, Jimmy's father came home and found his favorite dinner set on the table. The family had a wonderful dinner while the whole time Jimmy's mother was wanting to kill him. She knew that he had been fooling around with his secretary.

After a wonderful dessert, Jimmy's mother asked Little Jimmy how his day went.

"And won't you be a dear and tell your father what you saw after school," she told him.

"Well, on my way home from school, I was walking by the park. I saw you drive up in your car with your secretary and park the car. The two of you started kissing, and the next thing you know, I saw your secretary do to you what Mom was doing to Uncle Fred while you were out of town on business!" 

Wednesday CrackUps...

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"



A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"



Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"



A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."


A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'" 


Nora's husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, she squirted it all over the doorknobs and he couldn't get back in! ha!


A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night. She looked at her husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She said, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asked.

He responded, "As I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big breasts and screw your brains out.'"

She giggled and said, "Yes honey, that's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Well, mission accomplished."

bada-boom!


A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says..... "I'll miss you."



hey do yuns know the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

a hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!

how about the difference between an oooooh and an aaaaah? about 3 inches!

and if the dove is the bird of peace ... what is the bird of true love?

come on guess, bloggers ...

Yuck Monday....You Mean Its Tuesday Already?

*taken from the Blogstream archives, circa Monday September 17, 2007* back when I had to type for a living...

Yes, once again, it's

Monday.

Here we go again ... 

CHIEF COMPLAINT:
“My testicle is black and my penis is red.” 

blah-blah-blah

not twats and whatnots again!

(insert *laugh* here and now back to the story...)

Come to find out the guy had inguinal hernia surgery, and his symtomatology (including the terrible way his private body parts looked) was completely normal according to his surgeon! All is well.

ADDENDUM: 

I was so excited to get to type my last report of the day so I would finally be done !!!! but guess what? ... get ready
....
...
...
are you ready for this?
...
...
...
CHIEF COMPLAINT: Testicle pain! (I kid you NOT!)

This is the theme of my day I suppose! Sheesh

but unlike blue balls up there, this patient had epidydmitis which did not clear up with a first round of antibiotics! He was given another round of antibiotics and told to follow up with his family physician!

Have a good evening, bloggers! 

Snicker Time...

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.

I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.

I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter. hahaha!! 

*author of this joke unknown*

A Funnies Repost...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....



Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and 

slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage,turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. 

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

and that's when the fight started ...

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'HolyS***. That must be my husband!' 

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And that's when the fight started.....

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And what's when the fight started....

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's when the fight started.....

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.  "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"" Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And that's when the fight started...

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And that's when the fight started...

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And that's when the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.

And that's when the fight started...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And that's when the fight started...

I'm sure most of you have heard these before, but have a great day! I always laugh my butt off at these!

Simple Home Remedies...

If you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink!

For you high blood pressure suffers, simple cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins ...Remember to use a timer!

A mousetrap placed on top of your alarm will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit snooze for the upteenth time!

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives...then you'll be afraid to cough~! oops poops!

You need only two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape.  If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40; If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape! simple!

Remember ...Everyone seems normal till you get to know them.

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem~!

and here's a daily thought for yuns...

"some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs."

  accident my ass!

Madness Takes Its Toll...lol...

and it seems I never have the exact change!

Actually I don't want to get out of my bed most days, and after my last 9-minute attempt at silence, I get up, stumble to the coffeepot in search of salvation, try to muster the motivation to get through the day, and can't wait to get back home and crawl back in it...

with little BellaRose (whose 8) in the YMCA Kiddie Kamp she lasts about an hour to an hour and a half after she gets home in the evenings before she's fast asleep, and even though I'm not far behind her I'm still tired when I get up.  Must be this dang thyroid acting out again. 

By midday at work I'm done, ready for a nap, and coffee doesn't even perk me up.  

Yes, over the last few months I have taken on more responsibility both personally and professionally...it seems all I get done is doling out work to people, pushing paperwork, fixing boo-boos and typos, documenting reviews, listening to complainers, inbetween preparing breakfast, packing lunches and fixin' supper, and car rides to and fro...(with no air conditioner in my black, leather seated car with temps in the sweltering 90s) and its becoming a monotonous sweaty blurrr! even Calgon doesn't help...maybe I should let TWA take me away! far, far away!

Oh, and did I mention putting up with one drama after another in Hillbillydom due to an addicted daughter (she swears she is not but hasn't passed a drug test) and son-in-law (lets not even go there), workers from Social Services stopping by, and daily drama stories from the in-laws (more like outlaws) who are still enabling these two grown adults in their pursuit of brain numbing and non functioning do-lessness...its the stuff horror movies are made from...or comedies depending on which day. I wished they could all get a life and leave me out of theirs.  I have enough to contend with, taking care of an 8-year-old 24/7 and a job that never ends!

Yes, I have been pulling random reports for review on our own FQA proofers, as well as reviewing those offshore FQA and editors, grading, rating, averaging...I wonder...will we ever get direct uploaders offshore? not too many...it seems!

and how are our FQA independent contract proofers stacking up? They could be better according to mine and Deb's (my partner in crime) standards...it seems they get lazy and push reports through for the line count (because they get paid by the line), not taking the time to truly read only half-assing between the lines...perhaps we need to look for a few new FQA people...

My next question is..."Is there anybody out there interested in making me forget this madness?" apply within the sheets! LOL ... or if you're interesting in trying your hand at proofreading with excellent grammar skills,  medical knowledge, maybe even some proofing experience, then throw me an email!

Yes, its been a week that's for sure...new clients, no real client instructions on what they want...server and software issues, STAT reports...ugh...but its the weekend ...so I can throw this paperwork aside, and enjoy myself, perhaps take BellaRose to see Toy Story this weekend, and write that special friend a letter back.  Monday comes too soon with all its responsibilities, for now I am going to enjoy my coffee...listen to some jazz...you're welcome to relax with me. 

Whats in your weekend plans?

The jazz box has been removed, you can listen to it by clicking here.Then click in "The Green Room."


whatever your plans, much love to yuns 

If I told you once...I told you twice...

to hush up that squawkin'! 

gotta love it!

funny! hahaha!