hahaha!

hey its Friday! I'm easily entertained...LOL

got a joke you wanta share? Go ahead...

Doctor! Doctor!

A woman in Arkansas brought her baby in to see the doctor, and he determined right away the baby had an earache.

He wrote a prescription for eardrops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.

Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.

The doctor looked at the bottle of eardrops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label: "Put two drops in R ear every four hours."

Adult Truths...

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

There is great need for a sarcasm font.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories.

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again..

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

I wish Google Maps had an "avoid Ghetto" routing option.

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. (ladies......quit laughing!)

A few laughs...

A teacher says, “Okay, class.

Today we’re going to be talking about the tenses. If I say ‘I’m beautiful,’ which tense is it?”

Little Johnny raises his hand and says, “Obviously past tense, Ma'am.” 

uhmm...before you laugh...think about this...do U see a verb in that sentence? huh?  LOL

After dying and going to Hell, a man is shown into a room full of beautiful busty blondes and huge kegs full of beer. Shocked, the man turns to a demon and says: "You call this Hell?"



"Absolutely," the demon replies: "The kegs all have holes in them and the blondes don't."



During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criteria was for deciding whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No," said the director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?"




and now, the Redneck Joke Of The Week...



Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer caused by his cigarette. His body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to ID the body, so they called his two closest friends, Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe, to come in.

Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Jim-Bob looked closely and said: "Yep, he's got burnt up purdy bad. Roll 'im over."

So, the mortician rolled him over, and Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said: "Nope, that ain't Bubba."

The mortician didn't say anything, but thought that was a little bit strange. Then he brought in Billy-Joe to ID the body. Billy-Joe looked at him and said: "Yep, he's burnt up sumpin' real bad. Roll 'im over."

The mortician once again rolled him over, and Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said: "Nuh-uh, that ain't Bubba.”

The mortician said: "How can you tell?"

Billy-Joe said: "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes? That’s impossible!" said the mortician.

"Yep. Everyone knew about it too, 'cause every time the three of us went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"


hardy-har-har!

TGIF! Did everybody survive the workweek? I'm bushed.

Go Ahead, Smile...

I wish I was a glow worm.

A glow worm's never glum.

It's hard to be downhearted when the sun shines out your bum!

*******

here's a video, my question is...what does she say?

Smile~!

it's infectious! and you just can't help it!

and the week's about over~!

thank god for small miracles!

What Little Jimmy Saw...

One day Little Jimmy came running home from school and ran into the kitchen as his mother was going through her recipe books, trying to plan a menu for a party that she was catering.

"Mom, you won't believe what I saw on the way home!" Jimmy said with a sense of urgency.

"And what did you see?", asked his mother.

"Well, I was walking home from school, and I walked past the park.", Jimmy said. As I was walking past the park, I saw Dad drive into the parking lot with his secretary sitting in the passenger seat. After he parked the car, I saw Dad kiss his secretary. After that, she bent over and.........."

Hearing that, Jimmy's mother put her hand over his mouth, not wanting to hear any more. She was so angry, she could just kill Jimmy's father.

After a moment, Jimmy's mother had an idea.

"Jimmy," she said. "Do not say anything about this until you are told. Do you understand?"

"Yes Mom."

Later that evening, Jimmy's father came home and found his favorite dinner set on the table. The family had a wonderful dinner while the whole time Jimmy's mother was wanting to kill him. She knew that he had been fooling around with his secretary.

After a wonderful dessert, Jimmy's mother asked Little Jimmy how his day went.

"And won't you be a dear and tell your father what you saw after school," she told him.

"Well, on my way home from school, I was walking by the park. I saw you drive up in your car with your secretary and park the car. The two of you started kissing, and the next thing you know, I saw your secretary do to you what Mom was doing to Uncle Fred while you were out of town on business!" 

haha!

Do I really need to say anything?

rollin' rollin' rollin' on the floor LMAO!

Don't Open The Door ...

and let that pheromone out!

Why subject the neighborhood to that screaming ruckus?!

Ain't nothing more displeasing to the ears, especially when it's the middle of the night!

 

That Must've Been Some Spicy Meatball~!

While in Italy on business, a married man has an affair with a young Italian woman. Before he is scheduled to catch a flight back to the United States, she tells him that she may be pregnant.

Concerned about financial support, the woman brings up the subject as to how he will care for her child without his wife finding out.

He then tells her that when she has the child, to send him a post card with the word "spaghetti" written on the back of it. Then he will set up an account at an Italian bank so she can have money to take care of the child.

Nine months later, he comes home from work, only to find his wife holding a post card from Italy. With a puzzled look on her face, she asks her husband about the post card and hands it over for him to read.

As she watches her husband read the card, his hands began to shake as a sullen look appears on his face. As his face loses all color, he attempts to read the message his Italian mistress wrote to him.

It read:  Spaghetti. Spaghetti, and more Spaghetti. Two with meatballs. One without. Send extra sauce!  

and here's another tale for ya...

Meet Margaret and Charles, who have been married for 35 years.

Charles was always a cowboy buff and wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated Charles storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely nakey except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looks up and says, "Charles, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.

Furious, Charles yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope". She replies.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!"

To which Margaret replies, "YA SHOULDA BOUGHT A HAT!"

How many of ya'll have seen the Naked Cowboy (in the above picture) on the streets of New York?!

Google Word Verfications ...

I don't use Word Verification over here, sometimes the letters are hard to make out, and make absolutely no sense, are not a real word, just a jumbled mess of letters ...

but sometimes they are just downright funny, like these....










ave you ever had a funny one?

No Excuses Monday...

In small town, Mayberry, U.S.A, a patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a car.

He stopped and inquired as to why they were sitting there in the car.

Excuse me Ladies, surely you gals weren't trying to steal this car were you? 

"Heavens no, officer, we bought it."

"Then why haven't you drive it away?"

"We can't drive."

"Well for goodness sakes why did you buy it?"

"We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed, so we're just waiting."

(yeah, yeah, I know it was bad!goodgrief)

~the disappointing frog and a tale of woe~

A woman storms into a pet shop demanding her money back from the owner. You sold me this frog and told me it would be able to satisfy all my sexual desires!

The clerk tries to calm her down and asks, "Did you do what I told you to do?"

"Yes, dammit!"

"I got naked, lay back on my bed, and put him between my legs just like you said, and he did nothing!" she shouts.

The owner, looking confused, replies, it's a perfectly trained frog. I can't understand what the problem is.

He takes the woman and the frog to a back room in the shop, where he places the frog on a small table next to a bed and asks the woman to please lie down and remove her panties.

"What?" she shouts.

Turning to the frog, he says ... "Now watch carefully, because this is the last time I'm showing you this!"

liked the frog one huh ? well, here's another~

Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off his penis ...(yes you heard me) ... after this mistress found the ring in his pants pocket !

She got so mad at him that she stuck it on him while he was asleep ...

Now,I don't know about you folks, but I don't know what's worse ...

1)  having your Mistress find out that you are married ...
2) explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got ON your penis , oops .. OR ...
3) finding out that your ittybitty penis fits through your wedding ring !!!

Laffing My Butt Off ...

If you have had this procedure you'll have a hard time trying NOT to laugh:)

I had a colonoscopy about 2 years ago now, and it was nothing really, or was it? click here. ; I had dreaded it for months and I heard all the horror stories. Some people have a harder time with the prep than others, but it didn't bother me I was always full of it (so most said!ha) and getting a few extra pounds out/off was fine with me!

This is absolutely a hilarious read! Enjoy.

Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy
showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go
all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then
Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring
and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear
anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO
STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription
for a product called 'MoviPrep', which comes in a box large enough to hold
a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice
it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's
enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In
accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all
I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder
together in a one-liter plastic jug, and then you fill it with lukewarm
water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32
gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour,
because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat
spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great
sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel
movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off
your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here,
but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the
MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you
wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much
confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything.
And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink
another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your
bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not
even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning
my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried
about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of
MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you
apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and
totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a
room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little
curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital
garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on,
makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already
lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I
pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the
bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would
have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where
Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the
17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I
was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side,
and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my
hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that
could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to
be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha
ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for
more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am
going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking
'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine' and the next moment, I
was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was
looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even
more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon
had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal
organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER ~ Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all.

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

I haven't laughed this hard since last time! ha!