A New Chapter of The Sparrow's Song...

I have tried writing this story, but I found it too difficult to do at times. After all these years, it still brings me to tears. I erased it. I tried to erase a lot of things out of my memory, but some things just won't be. Funny how things nag at you for years, and compel you finally to confront and deal with them. For too long I ignored, ignored, ignored. I often ask myself why, why didn't I fight harder, be more resourceful, stop at nothing to ensure her emotional well being? I don't have an answer for that. I was beaten down. I was a coward.

Today, it was strange to be sitting in Dr. Fisher's office on the same couch I had sat nearly five years earlier, only the circumstances were now different. Back then, I had resigned myself to the fact that my baby girl had a new stepmother who would love and protect her when I couldn't due to the fact that her father was controlling and manipulative. I would have to concede for her sake, as I always did, as he was hellbent on destroying any relationship I had with her. She was my baby. I was never the one who wanted to fight, but I knew he would crush her fragile tender heart, and continue his mindgames till he destroyed her psyche as well. I hoped that counseling would help us all, especially empower my own daughter when it came to her father.

At that particular juncture, five years, ago he had filed to take away my joint custodial rights as her parent, and for what reason? There was no credible reason, only the reasons he invented by having an angry child write out things on paper about her mother. This was a child who really wanted to be with her mother but was lashing out because of jealousy over a granddaughter whom I spent more time with than her because of the way things were. He had her write things like mom has men over at night (total lie) or there is no food in the refrigerator (another lie), and I think even something to the effect that I didn't even have a refrigerator, and a few more I can't recall at the moment, and had her do them in her own handwriting over & over until he got what he wanted, and took them into a lawyer's office? I know it's nuts ...He would continue to use this child as his weapon of hatred against me.

A couple of weeks ago, escorted by a State Trooper and a social worker, myself and my daughter entered his residence so she could get some of her things as she was going to live with me. The first thing out of his mouth was, "I don't want her in my home"... referring to me of course. I never realized how much this man absolutely hates me, obviously still does even though we had divorced 11 years earlier. As karma would have it, he sits now in jail awaiting trial in January 2009. Funny how things work out, huh?

I remember Dr. Fisher reciting the story of King Solomon and the two women who were fighting over a child, and he ordered the baby cut in half, but the real mother said, "No, let her take the child." ... which I did, not that I didn't see her anymore, but somebody else knew what he was doing and through counseling I learned to let go and free myself of his manipulation. Yes, I will never comprehend why he would inflict such emotional damage upon this child at such a young age, or fathom why he would continue to do so even with my attempts at empowering all of us through counseling. Presently, my daughter and I are back in counseling having to deal with past haunts as they come up, as well as cope with issues in the here and now.

One good thing is that at this time, his reign of terror is over, and a new chapter has begun. I always told him he might win the battles, but I would eventually win the war. Love is always stronger than hate. My daughter is finally home with her mother where she has belonged all these years. In the words of my eldest son, "it's about time, Mom." The Sparrow's Song is a true story of actual facts & events from the past, and the present, and hopefully by writing about it I can close the door to my past and embrace the future with my baby girl; our family now complete.