I had a talk with myself today,
Just to see what I had to say.
I said I'm tired, I said I'm weak,
I said it loud although I could hardly speak.
My thoughts came out in a silent hush,
Throughout my mind my words did rush.
Along with the most silent sigh,
That tries to hide the urge to cry.
I spoke of a silence inside always there,
And how it seems like no one cares.
A lingering thought filled my head,
Of the tomorrows without you I dread.
And how I spoke of a last hope,
As if I had no way to cope.
A lost tomorrow in all my dreams,
I said it loud enough although it seems...
I had a talk with myself today,
But no one heard what I had to say.
Just Another Sad Love Song...
Isn’t it tragic how two words as innocuous as lonely and sad can encompass a wide range of emotions? When thinking of you now, lonely comes to mind. How lonely you must have been before and I wonder now, are you lonely now? I wonder what feeling if any, will come over you when you realize that I am no longer present anymore in your life.
I had spent so much effort and desire on you. I wasted nothing in telling you how much you meant to me… months came and went and rarely did you ever go without hearing a word of love slip from my lips; I tried to show you in every way, shape, and form that I possibly could that I cared deeply, truly, madly. I tried to ease the loneliness I felt you had in your life.
Nights of sleeplessness spent calling to you, longing for you. Somewhere, back in the deepest reaches and recollections of my memory I remember you telling me and I confiding in you of my feelings of sadness and loneliness. You and I both know the feeling of unlovedness, as we have known one another's touch, I am alone still.
She shares your life. Alas, she is not me. And I am sad because I know this fact is real, not imagined. She is there, I am here… alone and lonely for you ~ for the scent of you within my nostrils; lonely for the weight of you against my body, in the confines and security of my bed… and I think to myself how fortunate you are to have found someone to share your life, because it has not happened for me. I quit searching for a partner to share. I waited for the one man that I desired ~ you.
Your scent is almost gone now from within the folds of my mind. I know your scent, even without the physical reminders of it. The scent of your passion burned into my mind and left an indelible mark that can never be erased. Though your scent has faded in this present, it will remain strong, within my heart and mind.
Even as I wait for the impossible dream to come to life, I know that you are not what I need in my life. You are the fantasy and the reality that I love; I will always love, but a fantasy nonetheless. So I'll file you away in my memories that have accumulated over the past few years… there you will remain with the other sweet things that touch my heart.
damn it...why can't I just hit send?
Funny I had posted this on a Blogstream blog a few months ago and wanted to move it here and while having this blog open and placing in my archives, this song came up playing on the finetune box over here! strange...
has it been a month?
Well, a lot has happened since this last posting. I couldn't get this kid to go to school, it has been a real struggle. I never thought in my wildest dreams that school would become an issue. Out of desperation to keep her out of the juvenile system and bring truant which is where she was headed, I talked to my former family doctor, her doctor too, as well as her stepmother's, and he wrote her homebound for the next semester, or should I say eight weeks, which is now looking like six. Even putting her homebound came at a price, and I am afraid at this point, she might not recoup enough credits to make her senior year, but time will tell.
My daughter has been homebound for at least three weeks now with a guy coming Mondays and Wednesdays to drop off her schoolwork, of course since she was out of district at her old school, I had to take her out of that school and re-enroll her in the city district here, so all her classes were screwed up, in fact, she barely had grades for the first nine weeks of school and is working on getting very little grades on her second nine weeks in geometry at this point.
I thought she was in need of meds, so I sought out the local mental health center for counseling and medications. The psychiatrist had refused to write her homebound because he didn't believe it, but he didn't know the story, and he is not the daughter of a father who is accused of sex crimes against children and had to go to school and face all of her peers. After a stent of trying a medication he prescribed which was the pits for her, I sought a second opinion elsewhere at a nearby down, including finding a psychiatrist who was a little more interested in what we needed including talking to both of us about the right meds. So two psychiatrists later we are on a second medication called Geodon, which zombies her out for four hours she says and the dizziness is more than she can bear.
Monday morning they will receive a call back.
In the last couple of weeks, her Uncle Dick has slipped her a couple of letters from her father in jail. I am really appalled at his lack of genuine concern obviously for her emotional health. He doesn't call or talk to me to find out emotionally how she is doing. He knows she is on homebound instruction at this point, but obviously he thinks she can handle la-la letters from her father? Gimme me a break. She is not in control of herself, much less able to handle emotional letters from her father? Are the Uncle and her father both living in a dream world? Do they not realize the stigma she has had to deal with? This is a kid who is suffering I feel from PTSD from all his shit for these years. No wonder she cannot function at this point. She is now safe and shutting down. Does this make any sense to anybody?
I read his letters. Obviously implying her to feel guilty about saying he was "nasty" and that she was afraid of him. How dare him. I am pissed off about this, and poor little Bobbi felt compelled to write her dad back, and even wrote him and stated she didn't say that, but she did say that. I am encouraging her to keep a journal of how she feels, but she is not writing him a letter back. This is a man who is going up for trial in January and the Commonwealth Attorney is quite interested in what she might have to say. Communication with her father at this point is detrimental in my opinion. I am sure she misses her father, but he is not in jail for writing bad checks for God sakes. Here is my teen child who could potentially become a witness should she remember things.
However, here is my teen who can't remember from one day to the next what she does say. I witnessed her have a conversation on the phone only to get off and could not relate any of it to me; it concerned a volunteer position at the local hospital. This is my baby who nonchalantly states while we are driving down the road that my dad said you tried to kill me ... tells me I am really nice (insinuating what? that she was brainwashed? and she thought I was evil?). This is my baby who cannot remember her growing up years. Here is still a child to me, who is angry, hurt, isolates herself, is depressed, and who is in desperate need of love and help. As far as I know, there should be no contact from this man to her ever...
I hope he rots.
I am encouraging Bobbi to write it out on paper. Keep a journal. Just get her feelings out.
My daughter has been homebound for at least three weeks now with a guy coming Mondays and Wednesdays to drop off her schoolwork, of course since she was out of district at her old school, I had to take her out of that school and re-enroll her in the city district here, so all her classes were screwed up, in fact, she barely had grades for the first nine weeks of school and is working on getting very little grades on her second nine weeks in geometry at this point.
I thought she was in need of meds, so I sought out the local mental health center for counseling and medications. The psychiatrist had refused to write her homebound because he didn't believe it, but he didn't know the story, and he is not the daughter of a father who is accused of sex crimes against children and had to go to school and face all of her peers. After a stent of trying a medication he prescribed which was the pits for her, I sought a second opinion elsewhere at a nearby down, including finding a psychiatrist who was a little more interested in what we needed including talking to both of us about the right meds. So two psychiatrists later we are on a second medication called Geodon, which zombies her out for four hours she says and the dizziness is more than she can bear.
Monday morning they will receive a call back.
In the last couple of weeks, her Uncle Dick has slipped her a couple of letters from her father in jail. I am really appalled at his lack of genuine concern obviously for her emotional health. He doesn't call or talk to me to find out emotionally how she is doing. He knows she is on homebound instruction at this point, but obviously he thinks she can handle la-la letters from her father? Gimme me a break. She is not in control of herself, much less able to handle emotional letters from her father? Are the Uncle and her father both living in a dream world? Do they not realize the stigma she has had to deal with? This is a kid who is suffering I feel from PTSD from all his shit for these years. No wonder she cannot function at this point. She is now safe and shutting down. Does this make any sense to anybody?
I read his letters. Obviously implying her to feel guilty about saying he was "nasty" and that she was afraid of him. How dare him. I am pissed off about this, and poor little Bobbi felt compelled to write her dad back, and even wrote him and stated she didn't say that, but she did say that. I am encouraging her to keep a journal of how she feels, but she is not writing him a letter back. This is a man who is going up for trial in January and the Commonwealth Attorney is quite interested in what she might have to say. Communication with her father at this point is detrimental in my opinion. I am sure she misses her father, but he is not in jail for writing bad checks for God sakes. Here is my teen child who could potentially become a witness should she remember things.
However, here is my teen who can't remember from one day to the next what she does say. I witnessed her have a conversation on the phone only to get off and could not relate any of it to me; it concerned a volunteer position at the local hospital. This is my baby who nonchalantly states while we are driving down the road that my dad said you tried to kill me ... tells me I am really nice (insinuating what? that she was brainwashed? and she thought I was evil?). This is my baby who cannot remember her growing up years. Here is still a child to me, who is angry, hurt, isolates herself, is depressed, and who is in desperate need of love and help. As far as I know, there should be no contact from this man to her ever...
I hope he rots.
I am encouraging Bobbi to write it out on paper. Keep a journal. Just get her feelings out.
Here He Comes to Save the Day...
Looks like a job for SuperGeek~~!
Cause at this point Blogstream is looking rather bleak ...
Perhaps call in a Geek Squad to help him tweak?
Can he save the world of Blogstream? Tune in tomorrow.
Things Maxine Would Say for 400, Alex ...
I Bet Yuns Didn't Know ...
- Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written
- An impressive new book. It's called ..
- 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'
- Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
- The difference between the Pope and your boss,
- the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
- My mind works like lightning ... one brilliant
- flash and it is gone.
- The only time the world beats a path to
- your door is if you're in the bathroom.
- I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.
- The seat folded up, the drink spilled and
- that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
- It used to be only death and taxes
- Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
- A husband is someone who, after taking
- the trash out, gives the impression that
- he just cleaned the whole house.
- My next house will have no kitchen - just
- Vending machines and a large trash can.
- A blonde said, 'I was worried that my
- Mechanic might try to rip me off.
- I was relieved when he told me all
- I needed was turn signal fluid.'
- Definition of a teenager?
- God's punishment...for enjoying sex.
- As you slide down the banister of life,
- May the splinters never point the wrong way!
Finally some good news ...
After stepmother had tried to take her to school on Wednesday, which didn't happen, we both decided it was time to really get hardball here. She got an appt with Dr. Saltz, her family physician, who used to be mine and set up an appt. for 8:30 a.m.
I was not sure he would put her out of school medically but he agreed to do it! YAY! Finally somebody would write her to be homebound for awhile. However a snag in the process was that I had to withdraw her from Boyd County High School again because she was out of district, and then enroll her in Ashland School System again. The doctor should have the paperwork filled out first thing tomorrow, and I'll take it to the Board of Education in Ashland.
I was not sure he would put her out of school medically but he agreed to do it! YAY! Finally somebody would write her to be homebound for awhile. However a snag in the process was that I had to withdraw her from Boyd County High School again because she was out of district, and then enroll her in Ashland School System again. The doctor should have the paperwork filled out first thing tomorrow, and I'll take it to the Board of Education in Ashland.
Well, here we are ...
9 weeks (plus another week) have passed and Bobbi is behind in her classes. She has a grade in English, Arts & Humanities, and an incomplete in History. She is so far behind in Geometry and Chemistry her teachers feel she will not catch up. I went to her counselor's office today as it was imperative that either some classes be rearranged, tutoring become mandatory, or classes needed dropped, esp. the Spanish. A stay in the counselor's office for nearly two hours with Bobbi in attendance for the decision making process. Bobbi was told by her teacher's what she needed to do, and that was to rearrange her classes. They know she is not going to pass them so they are hoping she can at least take some other classes for those two block fill-in classes to get half a credit for something instead of no credit at all. I agreed and so did the counselor, so we worked on rearraing her schedule for a suitable class. At this stage, there are none really other than two classes at the East Campus which Bobbi is not crazy about taking, but oh well, she only has to be in them for 8 more weeks. At this stage, I think doing this is the best course of action and if need be she can make up half credits by taking stuff in summer school or at BCC. In other news, my boss is breathing down my neck about a schedule and adhering to that schedule. I'm so stressed out.
it's been awhile...
What's new?
Well, I still got the same ole same ole car, she runs, needs a lube job and a couple of tires, and I did get some freon in it, and it worked barely to keep me from suffocating the last few weeks I actually needed it, however now it's the fall season and most mornings I need the heat on, for God's sakes, already??? Yep, I freeze to death even inside, I have this temperature gauge from hell in this body!
This past December I put 1,000 bucks in this car replacing nearly every hose it had. Here lately when I turn the wheel in this car, it makes a creaking noise here the last few weeks, and I wondered if perhaps the damn tires would just fall off if I went around a curve, or the power steering would go out, either one is frightful!!!! Where's a mechanic when you need one? and who can afford one on my budget, eh? The gardener, who is pretty and mechanically useless, threw some power steering fluid in it, AFTER it took him awhile to figure out WHERE that actually went! It seems that his life has changed in a dramatic way as well, with the addition of his sister's daughter-from-hell living now in his house, driving his car, eeeek! Here is a man who is anal about his car and keeping it clean, I mean down to the minute detail, only to have his sister's daughter trash it up with her 3 small kids...oh gosh, I just wanted to giggle when he was telling me about it...obviously a source of discontent. She is here because her "gang" boyfriend in Florida was threatened retaliation against by hits on his family.
In other news, since opening this blog up months ago, my teenage daughter now lives with me, and what an adventure we're having! Her school is out of district and gas is costing me $20 bucks a day just to get her there and back ... IF she goes at all!... My ex is still receiving MY child support money while he's in jail (these lawyers can't get off their ass and get paperwork done to reverse it)... I'm one paycheck from the street ... and if that is isn't enough...OMGosh...I'm afraid my daughter is going to take me down a road of truancy when it comes to school, and it's a good thing she's in therapy cause I think I might be on the psychiatrist's couch if this keeps up! She missed four days out of five last week, not good, not good at all. I'll be a jailbird too if this missing school keeps up, and sitting in the Hilton where her dad is now residing...that bastard, don't get me started...lol
Am I feeling a little stress? Damn right ...
Even in the house here I've turned the heat on a couple of times. Are you guys turning on your heat yet? It was chilly here last night, and frost warnings for tomorrow morning. I went to Big Lots and got me some of that spray on de-icer just in case I need it. There were several occasions last year in wintry weather that I actually got locked out my darn car!
Nothing like having the car be a sweltering 150 degrees inside, being black leather seats (cold as a well-digger's ass in the winter) but then not being able to get in the darn thing in the winter as you have to be somewhere!
I think moving to a big city and doing public transportation would be the way to go! Having a car only to use as a traveling/vacation tool, or an occasional errand and absolutely nothing else! However, living in Hillbillyville you need a damn car. E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g is spread out.
I might have to ask that boyfriend of mine for one for Christmas?
Ya think I'll get it? (he's Jewish, remember?)
Well, you won't see me holding my breath!
Maybe I should start looking for a handyman/car repairmen boyfriend, any takers out there?
Well, I still got the same ole same ole car, she runs, needs a lube job and a couple of tires, and I did get some freon in it, and it worked barely to keep me from suffocating the last few weeks I actually needed it, however now it's the fall season and most mornings I need the heat on, for God's sakes, already??? Yep, I freeze to death even inside, I have this temperature gauge from hell in this body!
This past December I put 1,000 bucks in this car replacing nearly every hose it had. Here lately when I turn the wheel in this car, it makes a creaking noise here the last few weeks, and I wondered if perhaps the damn tires would just fall off if I went around a curve, or the power steering would go out, either one is frightful!!!! Where's a mechanic when you need one? and who can afford one on my budget, eh? The gardener, who is pretty and mechanically useless, threw some power steering fluid in it, AFTER it took him awhile to figure out WHERE that actually went! It seems that his life has changed in a dramatic way as well, with the addition of his sister's daughter-from-hell living now in his house, driving his car, eeeek! Here is a man who is anal about his car and keeping it clean, I mean down to the minute detail, only to have his sister's daughter trash it up with her 3 small kids...oh gosh, I just wanted to giggle when he was telling me about it...obviously a source of discontent. She is here because her "gang" boyfriend in Florida was threatened retaliation against by hits on his family.
In other news, since opening this blog up months ago, my teenage daughter now lives with me, and what an adventure we're having! Her school is out of district and gas is costing me $20 bucks a day just to get her there and back ... IF she goes at all!... My ex is still receiving MY child support money while he's in jail (these lawyers can't get off their ass and get paperwork done to reverse it)... I'm one paycheck from the street ... and if that is isn't enough...OMGosh...I'm afraid my daughter is going to take me down a road of truancy when it comes to school, and it's a good thing she's in therapy cause I think I might be on the psychiatrist's couch if this keeps up! She missed four days out of five last week, not good, not good at all. I'll be a jailbird too if this missing school keeps up, and sitting in the Hilton where her dad is now residing...that bastard, don't get me started...lol
Am I feeling a little stress? Damn right ...
Even in the house here I've turned the heat on a couple of times. Are you guys turning on your heat yet? It was chilly here last night, and frost warnings for tomorrow morning. I went to Big Lots and got me some of that spray on de-icer just in case I need it. There were several occasions last year in wintry weather that I actually got locked out my darn car!
Nothing like having the car be a sweltering 150 degrees inside, being black leather seats (cold as a well-digger's ass in the winter) but then not being able to get in the darn thing in the winter as you have to be somewhere!
I think moving to a big city and doing public transportation would be the way to go! Having a car only to use as a traveling/vacation tool, or an occasional errand and absolutely nothing else! However, living in Hillbillyville you need a damn car. E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g is spread out.
I might have to ask that boyfriend of mine for one for Christmas?
Ya think I'll get it? (he's Jewish, remember?)
Well, you won't see me holding my breath!
Maybe I should start looking for a handyman/car repairmen boyfriend, any takers out there?
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