Do You Know Where You're Going To?

and where have I been lately?

I really need to journal and chronicle my feelings in one place. I have blogs every darn place, and it's time to consolidate.

Gee it's almost Christmas 2008, and I wished I could say I'm in a glorious mood, but I'm not. It's not as if I'm NOT thankful, I just lost my groove and can't seem to find it lately. What's been going on?

Let's see, at present my daughter has been living with me as of August 14th, after receiving that phone call from the investigators. It's been a few months of blur, decision making rights and/or at times wrong I guess, work stress due to my schedule being totally screwed up, and an absent boyfriend. I haven't seen David since April. I've talked to him by phone, but it seems as if he could be phasing himself out of my life. After all, we are not an item, I am merely his convenience if you will.

What does that sound like? Yeah, it's something like that. This is not to say that he does not care about me or my situation, he does. I happen to love him and desire him and have this need to be near him. He doesn't, that's all, and he will never change his life for me. I wanted the knight on the white horse, who charges in to rescue me from this appalachian hell, but he can't, or he won't, perhaps he would never give up one worldly possession for love? Maybe he doesn't really know I love him that way. Now that I am now officially a full time mom with a teenager at home, who might have ideas of "mom and a new dad" kind of thing, he seems to be less and less in contact. I suppose sooner or later she'll learn the truth of us, but it won't come from me. I'll never tell. He and I will just close out at some point. He needs me about as much as he needs a hole in the head. Funny.

So what else. Let's see, at this juncture I think that my in-laws are pretty miserable with the perception that they are back on the drug wagon again, pawing a ring her hubby gave her when he was in Vietnam. Their son is a piece of shit, and my daughter isn't much better it seems at this point. Both are in cahoots and connive and steal and coerce their storytelling and drama to initiate sympathy or fear in us, therefore bullying us out of money we don't even have. They have gone through thousands upon thousands of money from the in-laws but yet keep sucking everybody dry. Here are two people who psychologically are unfit to be parents of two children. It truly is pathetic. I hate being at odds with my grown daughter, but I can't help it. Until she proves herself I prefer to keep my distance. After all, my teen is the one who deserves the attention at present with all she is dealing with.

My ex, my teens' father is still in jail awaiting trial in January. My daughter talked to the Commonwealth Attorney, great guy, and she will be subpoenaed to trial to tell what she knows. I'm not sure she can follow through, but I as well am subpoenaed as well as the eldest daughter, who alleged that he touched and fondled her as a teen many years ago, and who knew there would be similar stories from girls nearly 15 years later? What a greasy bastard. I can't help thinking he did something to my youngest baby, who is now 16. She isn't right. He is being charged with sodomy and rape of a child under 12, and will likely go to prison, or so I'm told. Karma is finally coming back to kick his ass for the hell he has put us through as a family, even psychologically damaging "our" teen daughter, but that's a long story. One you can follow in the "The Sparrow Song" chronicles, which are a part of this blog as well.

I gotta go ... I got a food voucher at the local grocery for 60 bucks for Christmas dinner, so I'm headed off to get the best bang for the buck!