Sometimes I don't know why he shuts me out, but it's been two days since I've talked to him again. Something has changed. I must be the stupidest person on earth or I am totally missing something. Perhaps because I don't want to face the fact that he truly does not love me. I know he cares for me, and calls me "special." I am not so sure I want to be "special." I need him to need and want me in his life.
He threw up during an IM conversation the other day about wanting his own child, wondering what it would look like, what traits it would take after him, etc... I guess with all the recent wedding and love floating around, I think he is reminiscing on those things he has missed in his life. He has two grown boys that he adopted, but no real children of his own. God knows if I could give them to him I would. I want him to be happy and whatever that takes. I care so very much about him.
We did have a little bit of conversation about that, and I asked him what his wife would think? Would she be willing to consent to surrogacy? He said he would do it privately, that she would never know. Does he really think he could keep that a secret? from his wife, immediate family and those he loves in his life like his brother and sister in law, or even his own children? I told him that surrogate was always a possibility.
He is a wonderful man in so many aspects. I am sure he is adored by his boys, however from what I gathered, he obviously does not intend to raise "his child" should he father one, other than financially and whatever time he could squeeze in?
Talk about a secret life. Brings to mind the Leonard Cohen song, doesn't it?
Guess Whose Back?
I got a call today and I hear his voice say, "I'm back!" Well, it is good to finally get hear that he is back and he is okay, it's just a big letdown that he had a great time while I've been sitting here freezing and working, being a slave! and my legs are swelling again! damnit! This is starting to get annoying!
It seems he had a wonderful time exploring Mexico City, the culture and diversity, and it sure was good to hear his voice! I love hearing about his adventures and he says we are definitely going to have to go back to Mexico! hey, I was ready the first time around, but I wasn't invited.
It's about time I might add. I was beginning to wonder if I was going to have to send the national forces out to investigate his whereabouts! Did he bring anything back? Well, he said that he put off shopping and waited until he got to Mexico City, however, once he got to Mexico City and started to shop everything he found was so "Wal-Mart" ish and commercialized, not like the handmade stuff he had seen in Oaxaca City, Oaxaca, and he was unable to get what he wanted. He was bummed out about that. I am bummed out more, cause not only did I NOT get a phone call or anything from him the whole time he was gone, nor did I get a handmade item! I am bummed now. It's been a long day.
On the work front, I got stuck doing WV disability reports for some reason. I was told by phone call this morning that "we were asked to sit back" by Thomas so nobody did Thomas today? yeah, right. I am highly suspicious of that. I don't know what the hell to think, and tomorrow looks like a repeat performance of today. I can tell you one thing, typing straight 18 minute reports every damned word takes his toll on my shoulders, neck, and upper back, so much so that taking a pill for pain was the only way I could do it.
anyway, let's see what tomorrow brings shall we?
I guess he did try to contact me, but I didn't find this in my yahoo mail until he had already been back and called.
Sat, 26 Jan 2008 14:40:32 -0800 (PST)
I can't get yahoo messenger working. I'm on a public pc. I just wanted you to know that I'm alive and thinking about you.
:)
D
It seems he had a wonderful time exploring Mexico City, the culture and diversity, and it sure was good to hear his voice! I love hearing about his adventures and he says we are definitely going to have to go back to Mexico! hey, I was ready the first time around, but I wasn't invited.
It's about time I might add. I was beginning to wonder if I was going to have to send the national forces out to investigate his whereabouts! Did he bring anything back? Well, he said that he put off shopping and waited until he got to Mexico City, however, once he got to Mexico City and started to shop everything he found was so "Wal-Mart" ish and commercialized, not like the handmade stuff he had seen in Oaxaca City, Oaxaca, and he was unable to get what he wanted. He was bummed out about that. I am bummed out more, cause not only did I NOT get a phone call or anything from him the whole time he was gone, nor did I get a handmade item! I am bummed now. It's been a long day.
On the work front, I got stuck doing WV disability reports for some reason. I was told by phone call this morning that "we were asked to sit back" by Thomas so nobody did Thomas today? yeah, right. I am highly suspicious of that. I don't know what the hell to think, and tomorrow looks like a repeat performance of today. I can tell you one thing, typing straight 18 minute reports every damned word takes his toll on my shoulders, neck, and upper back, so much so that taking a pill for pain was the only way I could do it.
anyway, let's see what tomorrow brings shall we?
I guess he did try to contact me, but I didn't find this in my yahoo mail until he had already been back and called.
Sat, 26 Jan 2008 14:40:32 -0800 (PST)
I can't get yahoo messenger working. I'm on a public pc. I just wanted you to know that I'm alive and thinking about you.
:)
D
I want a Sunday kind of love ...
that would be nice, to have a Sunday kind of love.
I am beginning to wonder if I'll ever have that Sunday kind of love. Today, I woke up with a headache, and had it nearly all day. No word from my baby since the day he got to Mexico the 19th of January, and it is now the 27th. I'm sure he is fine, wherever he is. Me? I'm just being my stupid sentimental self. I should just go back to bed from wence I came. It's been one of those kind of days.
addendum: Little did I know what I had received an email in my yahoo mail from him. Funny how him and I work on the same frequency most of the time.
"And my arms need someone
Someone to enfold
To keep me warm when Mondays and Tuesdays grow cold
Love for all my life to have and to hold
Oh and I want a Sunday kind of love
Oh yea yea yea"
I am beginning to wonder if I'll ever have that Sunday kind of love. Today, I woke up with a headache, and had it nearly all day. No word from my baby since the day he got to Mexico the 19th of January, and it is now the 27th. I'm sure he is fine, wherever he is. Me? I'm just being my stupid sentimental self. I should just go back to bed from wence I came. It's been one of those kind of days.
addendum: Little did I know what I had received an email in my yahoo mail from him. Funny how him and I work on the same frequency most of the time.
sounds like a love story, right?
It's about as cold as this January day at the present moment. He is out traipsing around the world somewhere and I am here working like a slave girl at my menial typing job. He is financially well off, although you wouldn't know it, as he certainly doesn't flaunt it, well, at least that I know of. I do think he probably is guilty of indulgence from time to time, but why not? I would love to have him as my sponsor, so I could quit this day job. Lucky for him, that I loved him long before I ever knew he was "loaded?" I remember my freaking out about it. That's another whole story in itself. I'll tell you sometime.
It's always a long week without talking to him at all. I miss him terribly. Last time I heard his voice it was approximately 11 p.m. at night and he had to get up at 4:30 a.m. and get to the airport. I know he landed in Mexico 12 hours later, as I got an instant message from him. I know he was exhausted. Our conversation was pretty short-lived on Yahoo IM, as it was Saturday night and they were having a celebration since the wedding was the next day in Oaxaca. A pang of jealousy and hurt and reality set in because I was not there to share or partake in the event of his life, even if I had to stand in the background close by. He told me that nobody was going with him, but I wonder still. Of course his family members, brothers, sisters, and extended family probably outnumber those living in the village where the wedding is going to be held. Whose getting married? His brother's son, his favorite nephew.
I think that is what hurts more than anything, that right now I am not his reality, so I try not to think about it. How would he introduce me? This is my lover, the one I share my heart with. Here she is, my dirty little secret. I can see the look of horrified looks of family, and that of his wife's face, can't you? I do not want that. I do not want him to chose. That was never my intention. I guess more than anything I am jealous of the fact that she takes up residence in his life and we live apart, states apart. I wonder if she accompanied him there, as that would explain why he has not called. The only other explanation is that he is out of the country and he's too cheap to call long distance, LOL, or he is on a bike run, something he loves to do.
Sometimes I think I am his dirty little secret. Am I jealous that he can jet off and have a nice long extended holiday whenever, wherever, and with whomever, hell yes I am .... hell yes, I'm envious ... I am envious that his time spent in a beautiful place with beautiful people does not include me. I guess what hurts is that I'm not in his thoughts or his reality ... and I wonder how long it will be this way? ... When will it change or will it? ...
I guess I am just a little down about the whole thing today, worried about where he is, and sometimes who he's with, so why don't I just call him? I respect his privacy and I would never call unless it were an emergency. He supposedly is legally separated, both of them living apart if you will..I know, one has to justify it don't they? He is so self-absorbed, unwilling to commit to any relationship I feel...even a marriage. I love him, or so I thought...ours is what it is~and just what is that? He's a fool...and I'm one as well...
It's always a long week without talking to him at all. I miss him terribly. Last time I heard his voice it was approximately 11 p.m. at night and he had to get up at 4:30 a.m. and get to the airport. I know he landed in Mexico 12 hours later, as I got an instant message from him. I know he was exhausted. Our conversation was pretty short-lived on Yahoo IM, as it was Saturday night and they were having a celebration since the wedding was the next day in Oaxaca. A pang of jealousy and hurt and reality set in because I was not there to share or partake in the event of his life, even if I had to stand in the background close by. He told me that nobody was going with him, but I wonder still. Of course his family members, brothers, sisters, and extended family probably outnumber those living in the village where the wedding is going to be held. Whose getting married? His brother's son, his favorite nephew.
I think that is what hurts more than anything, that right now I am not his reality, so I try not to think about it. How would he introduce me? This is my lover, the one I share my heart with. Here she is, my dirty little secret. I can see the look of horrified looks of family, and that of his wife's face, can't you? I do not want that. I do not want him to chose. That was never my intention. I guess more than anything I am jealous of the fact that she takes up residence in his life and we live apart, states apart. I wonder if she accompanied him there, as that would explain why he has not called. The only other explanation is that he is out of the country and he's too cheap to call long distance, LOL, or he is on a bike run, something he loves to do.
Sometimes I think I am his dirty little secret. Am I jealous that he can jet off and have a nice long extended holiday whenever, wherever, and with whomever, hell yes I am .... hell yes, I'm envious ... I am envious that his time spent in a beautiful place with beautiful people does not include me. I guess what hurts is that I'm not in his thoughts or his reality ... and I wonder how long it will be this way? ... When will it change or will it? ...
I guess I am just a little down about the whole thing today, worried about where he is, and sometimes who he's with, so why don't I just call him? I respect his privacy and I would never call unless it were an emergency. He supposedly is legally separated, both of them living apart if you will..I know, one has to justify it don't they? He is so self-absorbed, unwilling to commit to any relationship I feel...even a marriage. I love him, or so I thought...ours is what it is~and just what is that? He's a fool...and I'm one as well...
sounds like a love story, right?
It's about as cold as this January day at the present moment. He is out traipsing around the world somewhere and I am here working like a slave girl at my menial typing job. He is a millionaire, although you wouldn't know it, as he certainly doesn't flaunt it, well, at least that I know of. I do think he probably is guilty of indulgence from time to time, but why not? I would love to have him as my sponsor, so I could quit this day job. Lucky for him, that I loved him long before I ever knew he was "Daddy Warbucks." I remember my freaking out about it. That's another whole story in itself. I'll tell you sometime.
It's always a long week without talking to him at all. I miss him terribly. Last time I heard his voice it was approximately 11 p.m. at night and he had to get up at 4:30 a.m. and get to the airport. I know he landed in Mexico 12 hours later, as I got an instant message from him. I know he was exhausted. Our conversation was pretty short-lived on Yahoo IM, as it was Saturday night and they were having a celebration since the wedding was the next day in Oaxaca. A pang of jealousy and hurt and reality set in because I was not there to share or partake in the event of his life, even if I had to stand in the background close by. He told me that nobody was going with him, but I wonder still. Of course his family members, brothers, sisters, and extended family probably outnumber those living in the village where the wedding is going to be held. Whose getting married? His brother's son, his favorite nephew.
I think that is what hurts more than anything, that right now I am not his reality, so I try not to think about it. How would he introduce me? This is my lover, the one I share my heart with. Here she is, my dirty little secret. I can see the look of horrified looks of family, and that of his wife's face, can't you? I do not want that. I do not want him to chose. That was never my intention. I guess more than anything I am jealous of the fact that she takes up residence in his life and we live apart, states apart. I wonder if she accompanied him there, as that would explain why he has not called. The only other explanation is that he is out of the country and he's too cheap to call long distance, LOL, or he is on a bike run, something he loves to do.
Sometimes I think I am his dirty little secret. Am I jealous that he can jet off and have a nice long extended holiday whenever, wherever, and with whomever, hell yes I am .... hell yes, I'm envious ... I am envious that his time spent in a beautiful place with beautiful people does not include me. I guess what hurts is that I'm not in his thoughts or his reality ... and I wonder how long it will be this way? ... When will it change or will it? ...
I guess I am just a little down about the whole thing today, worried about where he is, and sometimes who he's with, so why don't I just call him? I have never really called him. It's not allowed. He has full reign to call here, but I don't feel as though I can him, and somehow that's messed up, isn't it? I can't help but feeling a little hurt that he's been gone all this time, and he can't even give me one phone call. If he loved me ... Yes, I'm being silly aren't I? After all I know he can be a little self-absorbed at times ... if only these nagging suspicions would go away ... I have no right to own such thoughts ... ours is what it is ...
It's always a long week without talking to him at all. I miss him terribly. Last time I heard his voice it was approximately 11 p.m. at night and he had to get up at 4:30 a.m. and get to the airport. I know he landed in Mexico 12 hours later, as I got an instant message from him. I know he was exhausted. Our conversation was pretty short-lived on Yahoo IM, as it was Saturday night and they were having a celebration since the wedding was the next day in Oaxaca. A pang of jealousy and hurt and reality set in because I was not there to share or partake in the event of his life, even if I had to stand in the background close by. He told me that nobody was going with him, but I wonder still. Of course his family members, brothers, sisters, and extended family probably outnumber those living in the village where the wedding is going to be held. Whose getting married? His brother's son, his favorite nephew.
I think that is what hurts more than anything, that right now I am not his reality, so I try not to think about it. How would he introduce me? This is my lover, the one I share my heart with. Here she is, my dirty little secret. I can see the look of horrified looks of family, and that of his wife's face, can't you? I do not want that. I do not want him to chose. That was never my intention. I guess more than anything I am jealous of the fact that she takes up residence in his life and we live apart, states apart. I wonder if she accompanied him there, as that would explain why he has not called. The only other explanation is that he is out of the country and he's too cheap to call long distance, LOL, or he is on a bike run, something he loves to do.
Sometimes I think I am his dirty little secret. Am I jealous that he can jet off and have a nice long extended holiday whenever, wherever, and with whomever, hell yes I am .... hell yes, I'm envious ... I am envious that his time spent in a beautiful place with beautiful people does not include me. I guess what hurts is that I'm not in his thoughts or his reality ... and I wonder how long it will be this way? ... When will it change or will it? ...
I guess I am just a little down about the whole thing today, worried about where he is, and sometimes who he's with, so why don't I just call him? I have never really called him. It's not allowed. He has full reign to call here, but I don't feel as though I can him, and somehow that's messed up, isn't it? I can't help but feeling a little hurt that he's been gone all this time, and he can't even give me one phone call. If he loved me ... Yes, I'm being silly aren't I? After all I know he can be a little self-absorbed at times ... if only these nagging suspicions would go away ... I have no right to own such thoughts ... ours is what it is ...
Do you know where you're going to?
I keep hearing that song over and over in my mind. I used to be able to play it on the piano, but I haven't sat down at the piano in months it seems. I really needed a place to pour out my feelings, a place to rant, a place to laugh, to cry, all the gamut of emotions women have.
Currently, I am in a relationship, a long distance one. He lives in New York and I live in Kentucky. We met online back in late 2003 and in 2004 we met for the first time. Looking back over the course of these last couple of years, I am not sure where we are going ... He did tell me to get a passport which I did do ... perhaps he and I will go to Spain this year ... perhaps not ... Outside of my optimism and love for him, creeps this ominous cloud of doubt, fear, and pessimism, and I guess I need a place to sort it all out in my head.
Below is a transcript I wrote of our first meeting.
Chapter I ~ The Meeting
It was all about to go from internet chat to reality any moment ... so many feelings, thoughts ... the waiting and the planning ... the wondering if it would happen ... even a tinge of fear ... thinking of everything we've shared and talked about...the endless conversations that went on for hours ... the phone calls... the emotions of it all ...
Taking a deep breath, I opened the door of the hotel and headed towards the front desk clerk. I had been waiting months for this day to come, yet now I was shaking with apprehension. He had called and I knew he was waiting for my arrival. As I reached the desk and started speaking to the girl behind the counter, I heard a familiar voice from behind me. I wondered if he could hear my heart leaping out of my chest with a bounding thump at the sound of his voice. I turned to catch sight of the voice and the man behind it, and there he was, laying the newspaper aside, and rising up to greet me.
It was a beautiful sunny June afternoon 2004. Trying to concentrate all day at work had been a challenge. All I could think about was him... me... us. I was still in a marriage, had separated, and I had filed for divorce. In my heart the one-year marriage was over long before it really even began. My life was moving on, and for the first time in a long time that felt good. I was ready for this new relationship whatever it turned out to be, lovers, friends, it didn't matter. At one point we had canceled our plans to meet because of my situation. He was married too but living separately, independently. For all intents and purposes, who knew where we would end up? Making love, running for cover, a dinner and a dump, or continue to enter the layers of one another's lives and grow into something truly beautiful.
All I knew was that I wanted to find out. For every hour that passed, he was drawing nearer, driving to meet me. I worked with a girl who had met her now live-in online, and moved several states to be with him here. I thought at the time she was telling the story, that it was just crazy to think that you could "find love" on the Internet. I knew nothing of the Internet much less the chatrooms, and I didn't even own a home computer back then. As a matter of fact, my sister gave me the first home PC I ever had (almost 4 years ago) and into the world of the internet I ventured. I didn't know what I was doing half the time. I stumbled into the chatrooms by pure accident, while stumbling through the yahoo messenger. Sis and I enjoyed talking to one another online as it sure saved money on phone bills.
The Land of the Chatrooms ... what an experience. It was amazing to me that I could travel into any state and "pick" on people ... lol ... as their on screen names would spark a comment from me. It was amusing to me what people used as their handles in a chatroom... like pullmyhairandspankmyass!! (well, that about says it all, doesn't it?). Most of the times I came across what I thought to be "normal people" like me .... but then there were the strange ... and then the really perverted strange. I guess in the Land of the Chats,you could call me Ms. Naive, but I would become a fast learner. Number one question, is, "hey baby, what are you wearing?" lol...it still makes me laugh. What I really didn't understand was cybersex. How do people get off on that ? Somehow it just takes the romance out of it for me. You do what with a cam? I didn't know much about that either ... until ~ Well, it seemed people were willing to show it off to anybody that would look. I kept thinking if these people spend half as much time off line looking for a date, as they did online, chances are their life would be more fulfilling.
While browsing through a chatroom one day, I saw a screen name that caught my interest so I threw out some bantering comment like "hey baby, can you put out my fire?" My worst fear was realized, that I too, had become a chatroom junkie! Funny how, looking back, I never was looking for love, just fun and friendship, and it was all a big adventure! I never realized how much my life would change or that I would develop such a special bond with this man; but here I was ... in this hotel lobby ... meeting a stranger. He wasn't really a stranger was he? My heart knew him as no stranger, but I guess in physicality we were both strangers to one another.
As I turned and walked over to him, all the nervousness and apprehension I had felt faded when he and I embraced at long last and I gazed into those dark chocolate brown eyes of his. For the first time in a long time I felt alive ... really alive ... @2005
Where are we going to? Time will tell.
Currently, I am in a relationship, a long distance one. He lives in New York and I live in Kentucky. We met online back in late 2003 and in 2004 we met for the first time. Looking back over the course of these last couple of years, I am not sure where we are going ... He did tell me to get a passport which I did do ... perhaps he and I will go to Spain this year ... perhaps not ... Outside of my optimism and love for him, creeps this ominous cloud of doubt, fear, and pessimism, and I guess I need a place to sort it all out in my head.
Below is a transcript I wrote of our first meeting.
"Today we touch for the very first time
I'm yours now in body as well as in mind
You've touched me before this
let there be no doubt
But to finally hold you is what it is all about"
Chapter I ~ The Meeting
It was all about to go from internet chat to reality any moment ... so many feelings, thoughts ... the waiting and the planning ... the wondering if it would happen ... even a tinge of fear ... thinking of everything we've shared and talked about...the endless conversations that went on for hours ... the phone calls... the emotions of it all ...
Taking a deep breath, I opened the door of the hotel and headed towards the front desk clerk. I had been waiting months for this day to come, yet now I was shaking with apprehension. He had called and I knew he was waiting for my arrival. As I reached the desk and started speaking to the girl behind the counter, I heard a familiar voice from behind me. I wondered if he could hear my heart leaping out of my chest with a bounding thump at the sound of his voice. I turned to catch sight of the voice and the man behind it, and there he was, laying the newspaper aside, and rising up to greet me.
It was a beautiful sunny June afternoon 2004. Trying to concentrate all day at work had been a challenge. All I could think about was him... me... us. I was still in a marriage, had separated, and I had filed for divorce. In my heart the one-year marriage was over long before it really even began. My life was moving on, and for the first time in a long time that felt good. I was ready for this new relationship whatever it turned out to be, lovers, friends, it didn't matter. At one point we had canceled our plans to meet because of my situation. He was married too but living separately, independently. For all intents and purposes, who knew where we would end up? Making love, running for cover, a dinner and a dump, or continue to enter the layers of one another's lives and grow into something truly beautiful.
All I knew was that I wanted to find out. For every hour that passed, he was drawing nearer, driving to meet me. I worked with a girl who had met her now live-in online, and moved several states to be with him here. I thought at the time she was telling the story, that it was just crazy to think that you could "find love" on the Internet. I knew nothing of the Internet much less the chatrooms, and I didn't even own a home computer back then. As a matter of fact, my sister gave me the first home PC I ever had (almost 4 years ago) and into the world of the internet I ventured. I didn't know what I was doing half the time. I stumbled into the chatrooms by pure accident, while stumbling through the yahoo messenger. Sis and I enjoyed talking to one another online as it sure saved money on phone bills.
The Land of the Chatrooms ... what an experience. It was amazing to me that I could travel into any state and "pick" on people ... lol ... as their on screen names would spark a comment from me. It was amusing to me what people used as their handles in a chatroom... like pullmyhairandspankmyass!! (well, that about says it all, doesn't it?). Most of the times I came across what I thought to be "normal people" like me .... but then there were the strange ... and then the really perverted strange. I guess in the Land of the Chats,you could call me Ms. Naive, but I would become a fast learner. Number one question, is, "hey baby, what are you wearing?" lol...it still makes me laugh. What I really didn't understand was cybersex. How do people get off on that ? Somehow it just takes the romance out of it for me. You do what with a cam? I didn't know much about that either ... until ~ Well, it seemed people were willing to show it off to anybody that would look. I kept thinking if these people spend half as much time off line looking for a date, as they did online, chances are their life would be more fulfilling.
While browsing through a chatroom one day, I saw a screen name that caught my interest so I threw out some bantering comment like "hey baby, can you put out my fire?" My worst fear was realized, that I too, had become a chatroom junkie! Funny how, looking back, I never was looking for love, just fun and friendship, and it was all a big adventure! I never realized how much my life would change or that I would develop such a special bond with this man; but here I was ... in this hotel lobby ... meeting a stranger. He wasn't really a stranger was he? My heart knew him as no stranger, but I guess in physicality we were both strangers to one another.
As I turned and walked over to him, all the nervousness and apprehension I had felt faded when he and I embraced at long last and I gazed into those dark chocolate brown eyes of his. For the first time in a long time I felt alive ... really alive ... @2005
Where are we going to? Time will tell.
do you know where you're going to?
I keep hearing that song over and over in my mind. I used to be able to play it on the piano, but I haven't sat down at the piano in months it seems. I really needed a place to pour out my feelings, a place to rant, a place to laugh, to cry, all the gamut of emotions women have.
Currently, I am in a relationship, a long distance one. He lives in New York and I live in Kentucky. We met online back in late 2003 and in 2004 we met for the first time. Looking back over the course of these last couple of years, I am not sure where we are going ... He did tell me to get a passport which I did do ... perhaps he and I will go to Spain this year ... perhaps not ... Outside of my optimism and love for him, creeps this ominous cloud of doubt, fear, and pessimism, and I guess I need a place to sort it all out in my head.
Below is a transcript I wrote of our first meeting.
Chapter I ~ The Meeting
It was all about to go from internet chat to reality any moment ... so many feelings, thoughts ... the waiting and the planning ... the wondering if it would happen ... even a tinge of fear ... thinking of everything we've shared and talked about...the endless conversations that went on for hours ... the phone calls... the emotions of it all ...
Taking a deep breath, I opened the door of the hotel and headed towards the front desk clerk. I had been waiting months for this day to come, yet now I was shaking with apprehension. He had called and I knew he was waiting for my arrival. As I reached the desk and started speaking to the girl behind the counter, I heard a familiar voice from behind me. I wondered if he could hear my heart leaping out of my chest with a bounding thump at the sound of his voice. I turned to catch sight of the voice and the man behind it, and there he was, laying the newspaper aside, and rising up to greet me.
It was a beautiful sunny June afternoon 2004. Trying to concentrate all day at work had been a challenge. All I could think about was him... me... us. I was still in a marriage, had separated, and I had filed for divorce. In my heart the one-year marriage was over long before it really even began. My life was moving on, and for the first time in a long time that felt good. I was ready for this new relationship whatever it turned out to be, lovers, friends, it didn't matter. At one point we had canceled our plans to meet because of my situation. He was married too but living separately, independently. For all intents and purposes, who knew where we would end up? Making love, running for cover, a dinner and a dump, or continue to enter the layers of one another's lives and grow into something truly beautiful.
All I knew was that I wanted to find out. For every hour that passed, he was drawing nearer, driving to meet me. I worked with a girl who had met her now live-in online, and moved several states to be with him here. I thought at the time she was telling the story, that it was just crazy to think that you could "find love" on the Internet. I knew nothing of the Internet much less the chatrooms, and I didn't even own a home computer back then. As a matter of fact, my sister gave me the first home PC I ever had (almost 4 years ago) and into the world of the internet I ventured. I didn't know what I was doing half the time. I stumbled into the chatrooms by pure accident, while stumbling through the yahoo messenger. Sis and I enjoyed talking to one another online as it sure saved money on phone bills.
The Land of the Chatrooms ... what an experience. It was amazing to me that I could travel into any state and "pick" on people ... lol ... as their on screen names would spark a comment from me. It was amusing to me what people used as their handles in a chatroom... like pullmyhairandspankmyass!! (well, that about says it all, doesn't it?). Most of the times I came across what I thought to be "normal people" like me .... but then there were the strange ... and then the really perverted strange. I guess in the Land of the Chats,you could call me Ms. Naive, but I would become a fast learner. Number one question, is, "hey baby, what are you wearing?" lol...it still makes me laugh. What I really didn't understand was cybersex. How do people get off on that ? Somehow it just takes the romance out of it for me. You do what with a cam? I didn't know much about that either ... until ~ Well, it seemed people were willing to show it off to anybody that would look. I kept thinking if these people spend half as much time off line looking for a date, as they did online, chances are their life would be more fulfilling.
While browsing through a chatroom one day, I saw a screen name that caught my interest so I threw out some bantering comment like "hey baby, can you put out my fire?" My worst fear was realized, that I too, had become a chatroom junkie! Funny how, looking back, I never was looking for love, just fun and friendship, and it was all a big adventure! I never realized how much my life would change or that I would develop such a special bond with this man; but here I was ... in this hotel lobby ... meeting a stranger. He wasn't really a stranger was he? My heart knew him as no stranger, but I guess in physicality we were both strangers to one another.
As I turned and walked over to him, all the nervousness and apprehension I had felt faded when he and I embraced at long last and I gazed into those dark chocolate brown eyes of his. For the first time in a long time I felt alive ... really alive ... @2005
Where are we going to? Time will tell.
Currently, I am in a relationship, a long distance one. He lives in New York and I live in Kentucky. We met online back in late 2003 and in 2004 we met for the first time. Looking back over the course of these last couple of years, I am not sure where we are going ... He did tell me to get a passport which I did do ... perhaps he and I will go to Spain this year ... perhaps not ... Outside of my optimism and love for him, creeps this ominous cloud of doubt, fear, and pessimism, and I guess I need a place to sort it all out in my head.
Below is a transcript I wrote of our first meeting.
"Today we touch for the very first time
I'm yours now in body as well as in mind
You've touched me before this
let there be no doubt
But to finally hold you is what it is all about"
Chapter I ~ The Meeting
It was all about to go from internet chat to reality any moment ... so many feelings, thoughts ... the waiting and the planning ... the wondering if it would happen ... even a tinge of fear ... thinking of everything we've shared and talked about...the endless conversations that went on for hours ... the phone calls... the emotions of it all ...
Taking a deep breath, I opened the door of the hotel and headed towards the front desk clerk. I had been waiting months for this day to come, yet now I was shaking with apprehension. He had called and I knew he was waiting for my arrival. As I reached the desk and started speaking to the girl behind the counter, I heard a familiar voice from behind me. I wondered if he could hear my heart leaping out of my chest with a bounding thump at the sound of his voice. I turned to catch sight of the voice and the man behind it, and there he was, laying the newspaper aside, and rising up to greet me.
It was a beautiful sunny June afternoon 2004. Trying to concentrate all day at work had been a challenge. All I could think about was him... me... us. I was still in a marriage, had separated, and I had filed for divorce. In my heart the one-year marriage was over long before it really even began. My life was moving on, and for the first time in a long time that felt good. I was ready for this new relationship whatever it turned out to be, lovers, friends, it didn't matter. At one point we had canceled our plans to meet because of my situation. He was married too but living separately, independently. For all intents and purposes, who knew where we would end up? Making love, running for cover, a dinner and a dump, or continue to enter the layers of one another's lives and grow into something truly beautiful.
All I knew was that I wanted to find out. For every hour that passed, he was drawing nearer, driving to meet me. I worked with a girl who had met her now live-in online, and moved several states to be with him here. I thought at the time she was telling the story, that it was just crazy to think that you could "find love" on the Internet. I knew nothing of the Internet much less the chatrooms, and I didn't even own a home computer back then. As a matter of fact, my sister gave me the first home PC I ever had (almost 4 years ago) and into the world of the internet I ventured. I didn't know what I was doing half the time. I stumbled into the chatrooms by pure accident, while stumbling through the yahoo messenger. Sis and I enjoyed talking to one another online as it sure saved money on phone bills.
The Land of the Chatrooms ... what an experience. It was amazing to me that I could travel into any state and "pick" on people ... lol ... as their on screen names would spark a comment from me. It was amusing to me what people used as their handles in a chatroom... like pullmyhairandspankmyass!! (well, that about says it all, doesn't it?). Most of the times I came across what I thought to be "normal people" like me .... but then there were the strange ... and then the really perverted strange. I guess in the Land of the Chats,you could call me Ms. Naive, but I would become a fast learner. Number one question, is, "hey baby, what are you wearing?" lol...it still makes me laugh. What I really didn't understand was cybersex. How do people get off on that ? Somehow it just takes the romance out of it for me. You do what with a cam? I didn't know much about that either ... until ~ Well, it seemed people were willing to show it off to anybody that would look. I kept thinking if these people spend half as much time off line looking for a date, as they did online, chances are their life would be more fulfilling.
While browsing through a chatroom one day, I saw a screen name that caught my interest so I threw out some bantering comment like "hey baby, can you put out my fire?" My worst fear was realized, that I too, had become a chatroom junkie! Funny how, looking back, I never was looking for love, just fun and friendship, and it was all a big adventure! I never realized how much my life would change or that I would develop such a special bond with this man; but here I was ... in this hotel lobby ... meeting a stranger. He wasn't really a stranger was he? My heart knew him as no stranger, but I guess in physicality we were both strangers to one another.
As I turned and walked over to him, all the nervousness and apprehension I had felt faded when he and I embraced at long last and I gazed into those dark chocolate brown eyes of his. For the first time in a long time I felt alive ... really alive ... @2005
Where are we going to? Time will tell.
and the whining goes on...
I am so bent with this whining 5-year-old child. I love her to pieces but for the last few days, she has wanted to call her mother upteen times a day, and whines incessantly about it! She misses her mommy and daddy, and tomorrow she is supposed to be back at school, which she undoubtedly is going to miss, and the rest of the week probably. Not to mention it will take a crane and two days to clean up the afterbirth that I will find when she leaves, such as candy stuck to the carpet, markers on walls and furniture, god only knows.
Wyatt the little one (17 months old) has been with his other set of grandparents since this past Friday, and will probably be there until the weekend, when they decide to take them back to Griszelda Mess and Lord Spoiled. Why? They wanted to go to the Panic concert in Atlanta, GA, so of course his mommy decided to volunteer her services.
I originally thought the "babysitting service" would end New Years Day, and mother-in-law would take the kids back halfway, but lo and behold, I was informed by her that she would not be making that trip until the 4th.
I guess the mother-in-law decided that since her little boy, Lord Spoiled was going out of town, and Griszelda Mess (as she states need NOT to miss work), both of whom made no real plans for anybody to watch their children, knowing that mother-in-law would volunteer OUR services for a few more days. What's a few more days you ask?
Ah, is there a difference between insane and insanity! and yes, insanity is beginning to creep in. The meltdown has already been and is continuing.
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