Need to dump? One date and he's clinging? Thought you had found Mr. Right? He's a cheater? Here's a couple of letters that will Kiss Him Off!
Dear ________________,
Your call this afternoon was flattering. I'm glad you thought last night was the best night of your life but I hate to burst your bubble; it certainly wasn't mine.
While you have been replaying the scenario in your mind in eager anticipation of future rendezvous, I have spent the day:
a) regretting every moment
b) changing my phone number
c) trying to enter the witness protection program
Your whining about lost loves, rejection, and heartbreak made me feel sorry for you. Thus, the sex we engaged in was:
a) an act of mercy
b) an act of stupidity
c) a result of forgetting to take my medication
d) all of the above, i.e., a PITY FUCK and nothing more.
Someone as pathetic as you should really try:
a) a good therapist
b) Dianetics
c) a tight noose and a tall ladder
Do me a favor and forget you ever met me ...
Dear ________________,
Fancy bumping into you last night at ___________________ (name of local hot-spot) with _________________(secretary, co-worker, supposed friend, whomever). If you want to spend time with some vapid bimbo in ______________________________(frosted blue eye shadow, red-sequined wonder bra, unflattering Lycra midriff top, Lee Press-On nails) that's your prerogative. Just don't plan on spending any more ___________________ (lunches, evenings, weekends) with me. I'd rather ___________________________ (have my taxes audited, get a root canal, have a bikini wax).
You told me you were working late last night. You were working alright. I suppose you'd call that little tryst of yours a business meeting, right? Well that would certainly explain why your "colleague" _______________(was on her knees, had her tongue down your throat, had her panties around her ankles). Where was her steno pad, down your pants? And I guess you were looking for the pen you dropped down her blouse.
Your lines may be well rehearsed, but I've read the script and this act is over. Now it's time for you to take some dictation. Delete me from your _________________________(buddy list, rolodex, speed dial, unfaithful, cheating heart).
There are other fish to fry, Daddy and I'm turning up the heat.
Later.
and last but not least, here's The MR. RIGHT Rejection Letter
Dear [____rejectee's name here_____],
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:
[Check all those that apply]
___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.
___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.
___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.
___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.
___ Your "Putting on a few, aren't you babe?" comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of your beer gut, was inappropriate.
___ You failed the credit check.
___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___ The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
___ You still live with your parents.
___ You mention your ex-girlfriend's name more than you mention mine.
___ Three words: Size does matter.
Sincerely,
[Your name here]
Got somebody to dump? that should do it!
