sounds like a love story, right?

It's about as cold as this January day at the present moment. He is out traipsing around the world somewhere and I am here working like a slave girl at my menial typing job. He is a millionaire, although you wouldn't know it, as he certainly doesn't flaunt it, well, at least that I know of. I do think he probably is guilty of indulgence from time to time, but why not? I would love to have him as my sponsor, so I could quit this day job. Lucky for him, that I loved him long before I ever knew he was "Daddy Warbucks." I remember my freaking out about it. That's another whole story in itself. I'll tell you sometime.

It's always a long week without talking to him at all. I miss him terribly. Last time I heard his voice it was approximately 11 p.m. at night and he had to get up at 4:30 a.m. and get to the airport. I know he landed in Mexico 12 hours later, as I got an instant message from him. I know he was exhausted. Our conversation was pretty short-lived on Yahoo IM, as it was Saturday night and they were having a celebration since the wedding was the next day in Oaxaca. A pang of jealousy and hurt and reality set in because I was not there to share or partake in the event of his life, even if I had to stand in the background close by. He told me that nobody was going with him, but I wonder still. Of course his family members, brothers, sisters, and extended family probably outnumber those living in the village where the wedding is going to be held. Whose getting married? His brother's son, his favorite nephew.

I think that is what hurts more than anything, that right now I am not his reality, so I try not to think about it. How would he introduce me? This is my lover, the one I share my heart with. Here she is, my dirty little secret. I can see the look of horrified looks of family, and that of his wife's face, can't you? I do not want that. I do not want him to chose. That was never my intention. I guess more than anything I am jealous of the fact that she takes up residence in his life and we live apart, states apart. I wonder if she accompanied him there, as that would explain why he has not called. The only other explanation is that he is out of the country and he's too cheap to call long distance, LOL, or he is on a bike run, something he loves to do.

Sometimes I think I am his dirty little secret. Am I jealous that he can jet off and have a nice long extended holiday whenever, wherever, and with whomever, hell yes I am .... hell yes, I'm envious ... I am envious that his time spent in a beautiful place with beautiful people does not include me. I guess what hurts is that I'm not in his thoughts or his reality ... and I wonder how long it will be this way? ... When will it change or will it? ...

I guess I am just a little down about the whole thing today, worried about where he is, and sometimes who he's with, so why don't I just call him? I have never really called him. It's not allowed. He has full reign to call here, but I don't feel as though I can him, and somehow that's messed up, isn't it? I can't help but feeling a little hurt that he's been gone all this time, and he can't even give me one phone call. If he loved me ... Yes, I'm being silly aren't I? After all I know he can be a little self-absorbed at times ... if only these nagging suspicions would go away ... I have no right to own such thoughts ... ours is what it is ...