I am one of these people who need to put their thoughts to paper. I need to scribble it from heartfelt thought, choke on it if need be, and see the truth in it. Hopefully I will have enough strength to make the changes I need to ensure a more happy, productive life. I haven't written from my heart in a long time, primarily due to others' indiscretions at interpreting my written word to their advantage and somehow twisting it to suit their selfish needs.

I come at this juncture in my life to this forum to to express myself, and allow myself to look inside my life as it was, is, and hopefully come full circle to what it can be. If I didn't state this already I am presently in a relationship. I have times where I struggle with myself over this long-distance relationship with a married man, who supposedly is living independently and separate from his wife. Yet, he remains tied to her. I have grown to love him over the last few years, but I wonder deep down in my heart if he truly cares for me or just feels some sort of pity for me. He would probably hate that thought even came into my head. Truth is, perhaps I have fooled myself into believing that him and I do have this beautiful relationship, when all the time all he really wanted was a friend with fringe benefits. I envisioned more of a love story between a man who has everything he could possibly want in the physical realm, but the true love a woman, and I, his Cinderella hoping he rescues me from this Appalachian hell.

I have a male acquaintenance, one who helps keeps my yard done, I call him my gardener and with whom I entertain a platonic friendship. He and I will hangout, maybe go junking, have a burger, walk about the city park, but that's it for me. He has nothing to offer me, and believe you me, I am not interested in pursuing that. And lately still, a past interest had resurfaced causing stirred confusion only temporarily. I did agree to dinner. Under his charming demeanor lies a man who cannot be trusted, so I was not up for dessert in this particular case. He had his chance a few years back, my life has moved on, and dinner gave me a chance to tell him so after he so inadvertently left me in the dark so to speak. I am not looking to replace my current love interest.

My heart belongs to my baby, plain and simple. Yes, plain and simple I wished it were. I guess you could say I am an emotional dreamer, in search of true love. Isn't that the silliest notion, ever? I say, give me romance and all that encompasses, or give me nothing at all. Romance to me can be a fantasy on paper, or a whirlwind romance in his loving arms. I am a woman who has known men. My body has felt the passion and desire that a handsome face and gentle hands can cause. I've had many a night spent in fiery tango in the arms of my lover. I have been the sweaty partner to my experienced lover; I have held his face within my hands, his body between my thighs ~ but I command his passions with all of my soul and being.

I give it all, and I expect nothing less from a partner. I wonder ~ is the landscape of one's imagination populated with only those erotic ghosts so far beyond the realms of the day to day that we become submerged in our own romantic idiom? Or does the frisson come from the knowledge that the fantasy could actually be reality and is just tantalizingly beyond the outstretched finger tips? I know not where this fastasy will end, or where true love begins. I will embrace the journey and see where it takes me. Blogging it out will give me the expressive outlet I need currently.

Please be advised that from time to time erotica could appear on this blog. If you are uncomfortable with this, please feel free to pass up this blog in favor of another. I also ask that you refrain from any derogatory remarks or judgments on my character or integrity. Like I stated before, those of you you wish to lounge your thoughts here, feel free to do so.

till next time.

The May Chronicles

Dear Blogdom ~

Your Queen has had a most trying morning! thanks to Princess-NOT!Grizelda Mess and her two children, little Queenie (4 years old) and Prince Wyatt Earp (not quite 1 year old) who were overnight semi-uninvited guests at the palace! It seems they are all in the process of moving six hours downstream from Yours Truly, as Lord Spoiled FINALLY got a job!!

Today was supposed to be his first day, however, he did not even leave here until 10 p.m. last night with a loaded van (which broke down before he could even get out of town) and he had a 6-hour drive, and then had to be at work by 8 a.m.! Do you think he made it? Oh yeah, by the way, he had to drive 30 or 40 more minutes from his home once he got down there to get his FIX for the day at the local methadone clinic BEFORE reporting for his FIRST DAY on a new job!

Lord have mercy!!! Needless to say, I'm a little cranky due to the fact that I didn't get my beauty sleep! I got up at 6:30 this morning to work, and Prince Wyatt Earp was already awake, playing in the next bedroom on the bed with a semi-conscious mother. When I looked in on him, 20 or so minutes later, he was soaking wet and drippy, and getting ready to fall off the bed onto a hard, hardwood floor, and I told her she needed to get her ass up and get her day started. Grizelda Mess wanted ME to bring him downstairs, give him a few play toys, turn on the Disney Channel and she would be up shortly! Well, SHORTLY ended up being an hour later! little Queenie Bella awoke to the sound of her brother fussing, and me pounding the keys at my desk WORKING! I am ON THE CLOCK for goodness sakes! I told little Queenie to wake up her mother who needed to get up, fix HER children breakfast, and change a now poopie diaper that has stunk up the entire palace for 20 minutes! Disgusting to say the least! What on God's earth are they feeding this child???

After Grizelda does finally manage to drag herself up, she totally ignores the stinky situation in the living room and goes outside to smoke her 3 cigarettes or so, make a phone call or two, and not only brings back in a clothes basket but that DARN CAT of hers!!!! WHAT?? You want to leave the CAT and little Queenie here while you WHAT ??? Go to the clinic and get your FIX?? You mean you guys did not find a clinic down there? (Yes, they did she replied) After much bitching from the Queen, she finally managed to change Prince Earp's stinky diaper and instead of putting it in the garbage outside, she left it laying right on my coffee table!!! I found it after she was gone! Yes, folks, Grizelda has got to be the laziest human being on the planet. She leaves every light on without even thinking twice about it, never puts anything back where she gets it! and she is responsible for two children, a dog, and a cat all by herself?? One has to wonder how either Lord Spoiled or Grizelda Mess will fair this new adventure of theirs.

Well Grizelda Mess finally got back from the clinic around 10:30 a.m. and finally got on the road with the Cat, Queenie Bella in her underwear, little Prince Earp, a stuffed car, and she had to go get the DOG and take it too! This is a big dog, mind you, that will take up the whole backseat all by hisself!!! Can you imagine what a six-hour drive that is going to be ?? Sorry I'm gonna miss it!! (laffing) and how are things in your Kingdom this morning?

UPDATE:

It was too much longer after Grizelda Mess had left this morning towing her two children, one cat and a big dog, that Lord Spoiled called to see if she had left yet! DUH!! I was rather surprised! after all today was his first day at a brand new job! or was it?

Come to find out, he gave his boss this hard luck story about how the truck broke down and all his harships trying to move, wah-wah, so as of the time he was calling me (at 11:30 ish) he was in the car with his newly found friends and they were all going to the methadone clinic to their fixes for the day! WORK ??? Well, his boss being such the understanding man told him to come back tomorrow that it was only orientation and that tomorrow would only be half a day as well, and hopefully they would get settled in their new home.

Kingdom, I ask you ... is that not an impressive first day?

I would assume that since Lord Spoiled was off all day long, the truck would be unpacked and the house would be in proper order by the time that Grizelda arrived frazzled after driving six hours with two children, a big dog, and a cat! I will await more news.

Free at last! fairy godmother, free at last!!

Can't I Just Crawl in a Hole?

Dear Blogdom ~


I just realized after reading back, that I promised to tell you guys the REAL story behind why the gardner showed up unexpectedly at the door. It seems that he was fresh off the plane, back to Mayberry here, and was out exploring the secondhand stores ?? and came across a clean, well-built couch which he knows I have been looking for. I would much prefer a new one, but it's not in the Queen's budget right now ... and it's not that I don't have a couch, but ~ well, let's just say it was remnants from the first divorce almost 10 years ago, folks! How sad is that?

Anyway, the reason he says he stopped by is that he wants me to go look at it and hurry the place is going to close in a few minutes and it won't be there tomorrow, somebody will buy it he says. I'm thinkin NOW ?? You're talking to a woman who looks like death warmed up, probably smells like two-day old underwear, hair greasy, and he wants me to go to look at a couch? If you read that previous post, you know how horrified I was at my appearance to begin with, much less go out like that in public? Do I have time to shower and wash my hair? hell no. Okay, let's go I say, stinky and all. *insert sad face* After this sad event, I give up all hope of ever roping this guy into my lair anyway.

The couch was fine, was curved slightly, vintage 40s style, clean lines, and overall very clean and upholstered really nice. What I didn't realize (until after it was home and the other couch had been hauled off) was that it sat low to the floor with rollers, so I thought it must have had a rollaway bed at one time. Actually it sat too low. I wondered if perhaps this couch had been made for a midget family!!! But for 40 bucks what did you expect? the Mona Lisa of couches or what?? and who could move it? it weighed a frickin ton! He had to call a friend to help him move it. I could swear somebody re-upholstered that couch leaving the bed inside it! and if that isn't enough ... here's the real punchline ...

You know you're a redneck if your couch sits on concrete stilts!

Yep, I was promised that his friend who was a carpenter would come build me some higher legs for this couch, but that hasn't materialized !!!

*laffing outloud!*

I tell you Kingdom I am in desperate need of love, legs, and a handyman ... and of course a pottie chair to sit on while I work!

Isn't life wonderful? and how are things in your kindgom?

Want an update on Griszelda Mess and Lord Spoiled? I'll try to get one posted. Stay tuned.

Shit Hits The Palace~!

Dear Blogdom ~


What day is it??

Wednesday April 18th and shit, shit and more shit!

No kidding. It seems ladies (and gents) that for some time now my colon has not wanted to cooperate and holds onto whatever stool it can causing me constipation. I don't know about you people but constipation seems to be my middle name lately! or should I say, used to be ??

As of the last two days, and thanks to my now gastroenterologist, we are having a cathartic party with MiraLax, Dulcolax, and a new pill called Amitiza in overdosages. Of course this is intentional to clean out the colon, but more importantly to get it in better proper working order, so they can stick a tube up my ass in five weeks and look inside my colon for cancer.

After 7 days of diarrheal bliss, hopefully my bowels will start functioning for me. Doesn't that sound like a shitload of fun? Yes, I'm in cathartic heaven right now. Luckily I haven't shit my pants yet, however yesterday I had an eye appt because of a conjunctivitis which was really bothering me and I knew I couldn't cancel that appt ... the whole time I'm sitting there I was praying there was not going to be an "accident" and nobody would be in the bathroom as I scurried to it. Yes, Kingdom, your Queenship has great anal control!

If you think only your body needs toning and has issues, well it seems your colon can get flabby too. I have complained to my family doctor for years now, but he just says, ah, take a laxative, which works temporarily, but isn't really addressing the real issue and health of the actual colon itself! I got quite an informative lesson from the gastroenterologist. One I'll share someday.

oops, gotta run!

p.s. that was a close one! more on this shit later, back to work!

UPDATE: As of lunch time today (noon) I am drinking my second Miralax cocktail of the day and taken my first Amitiza. Also, I had chili for lunch, not that it matters much! In the last two days, I have never heard such atrocious bowel sounds in my life! and talk about an erupting volcano! Also, I picked up the antibiotic drops for my eyes today (a replacement as the original prescription yesterday was something that cost $50 for an itty bitty bottle and he wrote for 2 bottles for both my eyes). Anyway, the new ones cost me 20 bucks. These drug companies and insurance coverage is such a racket, but I am not getting my bowels in an uproar over that! they are fighting their own war at present!

Fairy Godmother, can I trade this toilet paper for Puffs?

April Showers...

Dear Blogdom ~


TGIF people!! I still have two hours of work to make up from the week! I'll do that tomorrow, unless Grizelda Mess and Lord Spoiled crash my palace solitude here!

I haven't heard too much out of them lately; it has been unusually quiet here at the palace; just the way the Queen likes it! I suppose they are handling their affairs. No news is good news, isn't it? I guess going to the methadone clinic and getting their fix everyday and slowly coming off heroin has been a good thing. Or could it be perhaps it is just a good cover. I really have no idea. If they can make up a story that they are being held hostage for drug money by unmeniontionable mob-dressed men with a gun, and get us all to believe it and feel sorry for them and PAY OFF their predators by putting money in the mailbox and then driving off, then what are they capable of? Surely, telling the truth is not one of their strong suites.

By the way, I was not the one who paid off their drug dealer, which in reality was five hundred dollars pulled out by Lord Spoiled's mother so they could party on it all night and leave their young kids, little Queenie here with me, and the other baby with his parents. I tried to tell her and her husband that I felt it was all a big bunch of lies. This was commonplace for almost eight months. I suppose receiving counseling while going through this rehabilitation process is perhaps teaching them something, including the fact that the people who used to love them are now estranged fromt them, and perhaps with good reason. If going through this process makes them more responsible, then I'm happy! Maybe they'll learn a few tips on parenting as well! Little Queenie seems happy, so if she's happy and not having anxiety, I'm happy and satisfied that perhaps things are on the level. It's about damn time.

However, Lord Spoiled has STILL not gotten a job! They live off the system! Today, Griszelda Mess called Your Majesty and wanted me to make out a list; it seems they have 500 dollars in food stamps and wanted to buy me groceries, you know, as payment for monies they owe me! Mind you, I don't begrudge people who need public assistance, or food stamps, or WIC or any of the wonderful programs they offer nowadays. But, when you have two perfectly healthy people, who can work and just use the system for all they can get, it really just pisses me off!

Of course, Lord Spoiled is a college graduate and it is above him to take a menial labor job! of course, he doesn't HAVE to, because he can beg his parents and get it! He thinks that job is going to find him I suppose! What a moron! At this rate, he's going to be 30 quicker than he realizes, with no work experience of any kind under his belt, except being well versed in how to screw the system, and use his anxiety disorder to its fullest advantage!



Yeah, this shit again! It really blows my mind! Tell me ... what does a 27-year-old man suffer anxiety about?? I mean really ?? He doesn't work, so he doesn't have THAT stress ... think about this. He foots absolutely NO bills! His parents let them live in a house and paid all their utilities all winter long! and his parents are still paying their bills! Is he suffering anxiety because he KNOWS he has a family that he needs to be supporting ?? NO SHIT !!! He has no catastrophic illness, both his parents are healthy, he's been educated ... so what's the big frickin' deal? I say GET OVER IT !!! Get off your lazy ass and get a damned job!

Griszelda informed me today that she got a job working at a local department store in the accessory/jewelry department, making minimum wage probably, while moron sits on his big ass being the mommy. That's a scary thought! Now, she can steal things and he can be the accessory! You know I found out that his Dad didn't work either a lot of the time. Go figure. His mom is a schoolteacher and took care of things. She told me that "her hubby has an anxiety disorder, and he doesn't deal well." Like father, like son! but Dad was in the military and suffered PTSD ... I'm still trying to figure out Lord Spoiled's excuse!

Heaven forbid, these two are raising my young grandchildren! Oh, Frank I have a sick headache, and all this talk about them is giving ME an anxiety disorder! So I think I'll shut up! Go get my cheap bottle of wine out of the fridge, have a TV dinner, and dial 1-900-SCREW-4-U!

Fairy Godmother, get me my aspirin!

and March ends ...

March 31, 2007, Saturday

Dear Blogdom ~


Update: It's good to be back! As expected, the royal gardener returned from his winter vacation in Florida last week! Lucky me! Now, if I could get lucky and get laid, I'd be a happy woman! Too much information for ya? too bad!

Anyway, the gardener showed up at my door, rang my bell, and I was a fright!!!!! I don't think I had taken a shower in two days, had not been feeling well anyway, hair greasy, you girls know the story. One of those two-day-old underwear days ya know? which you hope NOBODY sees ya or smells ya! how embarassing!! not to mention the palace was a wreck! Even the toilet needed cleaning (which he did by the way!) Do you think people derive some satisfaction from showing up unexpectedly in the middle of the afternoon? after all, what's wrong with a courtesy call? I mean, if I was expecting company, I would have at least made an effort and took a whore's bath or something, or degreased my hair!!

Anyway, he said had just arrived back in town, and the first place he stops is here??? and he has to use the bathroom ? oh God I knew I should have cleaned that toilet from the diarrheal explosion! The house reeked, the dishes needed done, floors needed vaccuumed! You name it! Everything is neglected when the Queen if sick! Over the past few months, he had called me a couple of times from Florida just to check in, and see how things were going and to rub in the good warm weather! Prick! Dontcha hate people like that? na-nana-boo-boo, I HATE YOU!!!! Okay, and stick you tongue out too! I'd give him something to lick! (oh that was bad!) He likes me, so why can't I get him to lick me?

So, he couldn't wait to get into town and check out the palace grounds? and the Queen? Come on. He did not get a warm reception, not necessarily because I wasn't glad to see him, it was more because I was embarassed that I was such a fright! and smelled like two-day underwear!!! I kept my distance as to save him that down wind! Ah, come on girls, you know how stinky things can get when you're sick!

Damnit, it really peed me off that he just showed up expectedly! so I've tried to keep the palace in a little better working order which is hard since I have to take care of EVERYTHING, work 8 hours, and I'm just tired and cranky, and in need of a little skibbiboo! He just waltzes in looking like a page out of GQ magazine, all pretty and tan, and here I am ~ all white and stinky!!! I guess spending the winter in Florida has its advantages. As a matter of fact, it seems everybody travels, except yours truly! I need a vacation from my misery! A few months ago, my butler ran off with the maid, and shortly after, my Mexican sex slave escaped ... I thought he was a handyman turns out he sorta was! I'll tell ya, if it's not one frickin' thing its another! and unexpected company on one of your worst days ever? Not fair!!!

Wanta know his REAL reason for coming by? Well, I'll tell you next post! It gets better!! Ah, yes, and perhaps an update on Griszelda Mess and Lord Spoiled. Until next time, Kingdom!

Fairy Godmother, Quick!! Powder me fresh!!

More March Madness ...

Dear Blogdom ~

Wouldn't this pill be a hoot? My motto is if it makes you feel good, do it! A feel good pill is just what the Queen needs! and a second job (which I'm too tired to do) ... or a good sponsor!



Well, it's back to reality and the saltmines! Damn, I think I'm going to rot sitting in this chair working it seems like all the time! and due to not getting a jump start on my week, I am working 8 hours today, and that really bites because the weather is supposed to be gorgeous and I have things I need to get done, but I am not going to be done working until 4:30ish.

My 15 year old will be gracing the palace with her presence this weekend. Oh joy! It's McDonald's fest when she comes; McFlurry heaven for her! Yuck! I hate that shit! Reality bites doesn't it? Well, my tea party went over well, a thank you to you know who. I know it was a crock of tea!

I only have two, maybe 3 friends I could trust in a crisis, and I do entertain them every once in a while, but no real family to speak of. My friends are my family. It seems my relationship with my real immediate family is estranged; come to think of it, my brothers and sisters are still that way ! What a closeknit bunch we are, huh? The only time they call is when they want something, or so it seems, but I find I don't pick up the phone often to call them either. I don't know why I am so emotionally detached, and really don't think about it much to tell you the truth. Geeze, that makes me feel bad. I never call my own sisters, but they don't call me either! so I guess we're even!

My Griszelda Mess and I are on the outs more often than in. It seems that her and Lord Spoiled drove out of town for a job interview at the beginning of the week. I haven't heard the story on that one yet. I wonder what they did about missing their daily dose at the methadone diner. My prodigal son lives a few hours away but I never see or talk to him; every once in awhile he will call wanting a phone number to a certain place here where I am. A strange request. However, he was my sweetest baby child. After he got past his young adulthood, he's turned out pretty good, holding down a job, holding his own. He lives alone too, once married and divorced, which he never wanted. He lost his basset hound, which I found out through my ex father-in-law, and he had to put her down the first day of spring because of cancer. He and his ex-wife fought over Sophie, she was a beautiful golden basset. I did call him but he was really choked up about it and our conversation was short but consisted of I love you's. Those are few and far between.

Yep, my life is one frickin' bowl of Cheerios without the fruit! but soothing and more bearable with a good cup of tea or coffee! Am I depressed? Hell no, life is what it is!

and what is new in your Kingdom?

More From the Palace

Dear Blogdom ~




I've been so bent lately with Griszelda Mess and Lord Spoiled, better known as Mr. and Mrs.Good-For-Nothing. It all started after the birth of their second child in July of last year. Due to the recent death of her “adopted” father and postpartum depression to boot, she turned to drugs for solace. Do-less (aka Lord Spoiled) hadn’t worked in months anyway, and come to find out he got fired for having drugs in his system. He went to a company picnic after having taken one too many Xanax, or was it heroin? I guess all one had to do was look at both of them and know they were on something. I knew it. They both learned to be good liars and thieves, that’s for sure.

Today they say they’re clean but they’re going to a methadone clinic receiving injections every day. It doesn’t take away the fact that for months now, let’s see it’s been since July/August 2006, they both have had a heroin addiction, yes, folks, shooting up! They have lied, connived, and thieved. I can't stand to be around either one of them very long. They have put everybody through the wringer, both emotionally and financially. I just don’t care any more. I care about the two children they have, my grandchildren, but I realize I only have limited control over that. They both know that if they slip and go back to taking drugs, I will not hesitate to jerk those children out of there.

For the months they were using, his parents or I had the children more than need be. Their oldest was 4, and a beautiful child, who did not understand why her parents were so moody and why they didn’t love her anymore. It broke my heart. She became a frequent flyer to the palace and I would make her a little Queenie. I tried to soothe the hardship she was enduring. I really had no idea it was that bad until I went over there one day. I don’t think that baby was held for the first six months of his life, always had a bottle propped up, and the house dark, no light, no food, no life except two hungry little children and two fucked up parents "wigging". I have a hard time forgiving adults who care more about their addictions than their children.

Needless to say, I am unforgiving and untrusting of them at present, and God knows I really hate feeling that way down inside. Lord Spoiled parents refused to see it for the longest time. Their mentality still is that their son has an “anxiety issue.” It runs in their family. What a crock of bullshit! He was never that way, they contend, which of course implies, it must be your daughter’s fault ... but who really gives a damn at this point?

They (his parents) were robbed of thousands upon thousands of dollars, taking from their accounts, but they did nothing. They let them stay in a house they own, paid their utility bills, their son’s cellphone bill, and gave them running and grocery money. In my opinion they enabled them to continue to use. I don’t begrudge anybody a little "social enhancer" every once in a while, be it smoke or drink, but to let it take over your life that’s another.

At present, his parents are footing the bill for them to go to a methadone center to receive injections everyday so they can cope and get on with their life. What the hell ever happened to tough love? that’s what they need, a good dose of reality, and a damn job! If instead of providing them free room and board and money to run on, perhaps his parents need to cut their apron strings with their little boy, so he can rise to the occasion of manhood and start providing for his family.

"Mirror, mirror on the wall, am I not the bitchiest Queen of all?"

Fairy sprinkle blessings, my ass!! ~