I am one of these people who need to put their thoughts to paper. I need to scribble it from heartfelt thought, choke on it if need be, and see the truth in it. Hopefully I will have enough strength to make the changes I need to ensure a more happy, productive life. I haven't written from my heart in a long time, primarily due to others' indiscretions at interpreting my written word to their advantage and somehow twisting it to suit their selfish needs.

I come at this juncture in my life to this forum to to express myself, and allow myself to look inside my life as it was, is, and hopefully come full circle to what it can be. If I didn't state this already I am presently in a relationship. I have times where I struggle with myself over this long-distance relationship with a married man, who supposedly is living independently and separate from his wife. Yet, he remains tied to her. I have grown to love him over the last few years, but I wonder deep down in my heart if he truly cares for me or just feels some sort of pity for me. He would probably hate that thought even came into my head. Truth is, perhaps I have fooled myself into believing that him and I do have this beautiful relationship, when all the time all he really wanted was a friend with fringe benefits. I envisioned more of a love story between a man who has everything he could possibly want in the physical realm, but the true love a woman, and I, his Cinderella hoping he rescues me from this Appalachian hell.

I have a male acquaintenance, one who helps keeps my yard done, I call him my gardener and with whom I entertain a platonic friendship. He and I will hangout, maybe go junking, have a burger, walk about the city park, but that's it for me. He has nothing to offer me, and believe you me, I am not interested in pursuing that. And lately still, a past interest had resurfaced causing stirred confusion only temporarily. I did agree to dinner. Under his charming demeanor lies a man who cannot be trusted, so I was not up for dessert in this particular case. He had his chance a few years back, my life has moved on, and dinner gave me a chance to tell him so after he so inadvertently left me in the dark so to speak. I am not looking to replace my current love interest.

My heart belongs to my baby, plain and simple. Yes, plain and simple I wished it were. I guess you could say I am an emotional dreamer, in search of true love. Isn't that the silliest notion, ever? I say, give me romance and all that encompasses, or give me nothing at all. Romance to me can be a fantasy on paper, or a whirlwind romance in his loving arms. I am a woman who has known men. My body has felt the passion and desire that a handsome face and gentle hands can cause. I've had many a night spent in fiery tango in the arms of my lover. I have been the sweaty partner to my experienced lover; I have held his face within my hands, his body between my thighs ~ but I command his passions with all of my soul and being.

I give it all, and I expect nothing less from a partner. I wonder ~ is the landscape of one's imagination populated with only those erotic ghosts so far beyond the realms of the day to day that we become submerged in our own romantic idiom? Or does the frisson come from the knowledge that the fantasy could actually be reality and is just tantalizingly beyond the outstretched finger tips? I know not where this fastasy will end, or where true love begins. I will embrace the journey and see where it takes me. Blogging it out will give me the expressive outlet I need currently.

Please be advised that from time to time erotica could appear on this blog. If you are uncomfortable with this, please feel free to pass up this blog in favor of another. I also ask that you refrain from any derogatory remarks or judgments on my character or integrity. Like I stated before, those of you you wish to lounge your thoughts here, feel free to do so.

till next time.