Do We Really Have to Love Our Spawn?

Okay folks. 

I know for some of you this may be a hard question, and you could never imagine 'not' loving any of your children, but loving your child as an adult is another story.  When they have not become the person they were raised to be brings up a whole other set of emotions.  Perhaps one has to walk in another's shoes to really honestly answer this.  You can say, yes I love my children because I brought them into this world, and I can take them out..yeah, right.  Well, consider doing them body harm, if under the age of 18, and Social Services will remove them for you.  Yep, somebody else can fuck them up for you if you are not doing your job as a parent.

When they are adults, however, and they prompt you to the point of wanting to do them bodily harm with a good bitch-slap, consider the size and figure one of you might end up hurt and in the hospital. 

At this point, most of you know I am having to raise my granddaughter, so much for me being able to escape the drama from her mother's life to include jailbird hubby who will soon be home, or that screwed up in-law family.  One day grown eldest daughter is sweet, cakey, and piey, and the next she's bipolar, mouthy, and in your face.  When life hands you drug-addicted grown children, who have suffered consequences to include the loss of custody of her own children, drama for two years preceding up to that point to include lies, continual lies, verbage, theivery, just out and out bad behaviors to include bullying you, throwing items at you or even hitting you, even though you know this is drug-induced behaviors, in your heart you have disowned them because you had to.  Trust has been irrevocably broken, and it doesn't seem to ever get to the point where you can trust again.

Time and time again if you are being disrespected and your authority undermined (filling her children's heads that they don't have to listen to me as it relates to discipline, etc.), you get to where you dismiss them out of your life, and I'm not so sure that's a bad thing.  Its sad to think that even if she has cleaned up the drug issue, its still full of lies, deceit, behaviors that are hard to deal with, etc, and I am just done with it.  I am sick and tired of having to live in this drama ...actually I know at this point, it will never become a complete circle... it just leaves a a gaping hole...

If a grown child of yours become a source of contempt, shows disrepect, and just acts irresponsibly and disgusts you with their verbage right in front of little 'eyes' watching, do you just turn the other cheek? or do you feel inclined to kick their ass or ban them from your immediate surroundings?  maybe you should pick up everythng you own and move to bumfucked Egypt or perhaps a few towns over might be the trick...

...I'm tired if living my life for everybody else and drowning in this drama, I'm taking it back this year.

Yeah, a one-way ticket sounds like a good idea.

some days...

I just numb myself through it all.
too exhausted emotionally to do much.
yesterday and today have been one of those days.
didn't get too much sleep Friday;
extra people in my home, starting at midnight.
alcohol, my daughter, her friend, 2 boys
I'm upstairs trying to sleep
an 8 year old in the house
the stench radiated
voices escalated due to drunkenness
I descended the stairs, and ask them to leave
they never did; faked the door opening and closing.
I woke up to some kid laying in his underwear
on my livingroom floor,
the other boy on the couch
with my 19 year old.
My daughter's other girlfriend on the floor fully dressed.
The whole scene was really disgusting.
The stench of blueberry vodka and vomit hit you in the face
as soon as you rounded the top of the stairs.
My rug and carpet in the livingroom with a big wet spot/stain.
I had just had my carpet cleaned.
So much for respect in my own home.
No 8-year-old should wake up to such a scene;
I had to make her stay upstairs till I took care of the mess.

She moved her stuff back to her Dads today. She told me she knows how to work her Dad, to connive to get what she wants through lies and deceit. She says her Dad at least provides her structure, and basically tells her what to do. I overhear her talking disrespectfully to him on the phone; I guess he gets what he deserves. I tell her she is 19, and should already have an inkling of where she wants to go in her life, not live recklessly in the moment, make plans, have a goal, strive to want things in her life, and try to deal with relationships in her life in an adult manner, quit running away and hiding from them. There is another complication here. She told her sister she is pregnant. I don't know the truth here. That is all we need, an unwanted child by a flighty and sociopathic-acting 19 year old who is definitely not ready for motherhood, and who may not make the right decision to get an abortion, or even tell anybody about it until it pops out. God help us.

I was shocked to see how manipulative and cold she had become, calm as a cucumber as I stood crying from hurt; just like her father. She lives for the "adrenalin rush" which will no doubt land her in some bad circumstances somewhere. She realizes this, and I told her she needs to guard against this 'manic type' wild behavior. I fear for her, I really do. I have done the best I can given what her Dad did not try to destroy between her and myself, but I will not have such disrespect ever in my home. This was not the first rodeo with this type of behavior. I told her that any group orgy or drunken party they wanted to have to rent themselves a motel room, not use my home in such a manner. I know she knows and feels love from me, no matter what she might say otherwise to hurt me. Her Dad is such a fool to believe anything she says and will justify everything she does, right or wrong. I, on the other hand, choose a different path. I do not condone such behaviors, never did, but choose to love and discipline no matter what age. Chronologically she may be 19, real life tells me she is more like 15 or 16 at best.

Got a hug to share? I don't know what my role is any more. No personal love in my life; if there had been a man in the house, this never would have happened. I think I'm just depressed myself with all the stuff I've had to deal with for the last few years. When will something good happen for me, I wonder. I am so much more than the drama around me. I have such a capacity to love, I don't deserve this mess. God never gives us more than we can handle they say, so I guess my silver lining is out there somewhere. Let happiness rain tears of joy, not sadness.