Monday ha-ha's on a Sunday...

A visitor at a seaside hotel called over the head waiter at breakfast one morning and said: "I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it's runny, and the other so overcooked it's tough and hard to eat. Also grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm."


"That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."


The guest replied: "It shouldn't be too tough, that's what you gave me yesterday!"




An elderly man goes to his doctor and says: “Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I’ve forgotten to zip up.”


“That's not senility,” replies the doctor: “Senility is when you forget to zip down.”



A man goes up to a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and says: "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Do you mind talking to me for a couple of minutes?"


"Why?" she asks.


"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."



A man who worked for Lifesavers was testing a new Lifesaver flavor on a fifth-grade class. Using a bowl of Lifesavers, he gave the children all the same kind of Lifesaver and asked them: "What is the flavor?"


The children were able to identify all of the common flavors easily until he gave them each a honey Lifesaver. The children sucked on them for a while, but couldn't decipher the taste.


"Well," he said: "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother would call your father."


One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out, and yelled: "Everybody spit it out, they're assholes!"