Many a winter mornig in my youth I would board the school bus only to
find magnificent designs of frost stretching across the bus window pane
obstructing my view of the monotonous route as the bus rolled onward.
Others seemed obliviuos to the beauty and would scrape at their window,
but I loved the frosty view. They seemed to glow with the break of
sunlight or car lights and the bitter cold outside. I thought how
miraculous that this beautiful fern-like imagery had been formed in the
dark of night. How could such beautiful forms be born during such a
winter-cold night?
As I've gotten older I think about
how life is kind of like that. How we can remain in shadows, live in
what often feels like a barren and cold winter for years, so unaware of
the miracles being created in our own spirit. It takes the sudden
daylight, some unexpected surprise of life, to cause our gaze to look
upon a simple, stunning growth that has happened quietly inside us.
Like frost designs on a cold winter's window, we see beyond life's
fragmentation and realize we are not as lost as we might have thought
we once were; that all the time we thought perhaps we were dead and
barren like the cold of winter, beautiful things were born inside us.
How is everybody out in blogland? Is there life out there?
"I have come to accept the feeling of not
knowing where I am going and I have trained myself to love it. Because
it is only when we are suspended in mid-air with no landing in sight,
that we force our wings to unravel and alas begin our flight. And as we
fly, we still may not know where we are going to. But the miracle is in
the unfolding of the wings. You may not know where you're going, but you
know that so long as you spread your wings, the winds will carry you.”
- quote author is C. Joy Bell C -"
I
ran across this quote when I was out surfing and it got me to thinking,
could I ever accept that feeling of not knowing where I was going and
condition myself to living that way...in all honesty, the last time my
life felt out of control was in 1998 when I went through a bitter
divorce. I picked myself up, and have been working at the same place of
employment since that time. I've been in control of my life, so I'm
not sure how I would cope with not being in control and just drifting
into uncertainty. Choices lead us to a place of contentment, which is
where I am now and have been for years now. I think we all get to used
to the life we have created for ourselves and any change undoubtedly
could be scary, especially when talking about finances.
At
this time of the year, I am struggling to find the joy, or enjoy this
vacation time, as company cuts are coming once again, and I find myself
inevitably dreading the start of the New Year that could possibly find
me unemployed. The week before Thanksgiving we were told to take any
vacation time as we could not carry over 40 hours anymore but only 16
hours. I've seen people I thought more necessary to the company than
myself get whacked with a phone call on payday. I am nobody special and
I don't have a big fancy degree or title or power. I've cried over
cuts for those I've lost as coworkers. I have managed to keep a job
despite numerous cuts ... but the dread is always there ... and the
dread messes with your psyche, like being in limbo, its like a slow
death that you know its coming... its just the uncertainty of when.
The
#1 focus is to move all work offshore and they are almost there. My
people are running low if not out of work esp in lieu of the fact that
the last of our accounts will be transitioned offshore this month. I
believe myself to be a strong individual and a survivor, so why would I
need to fear this dread?
my only answer is my fear of falling...into the unknown.
For
now...I'll try not think about it. I'll listen to Einaudi instead.
There are no words to describe the feelings of his music...its pure
bliss ... I'll just close my eyes and let it take me away to perhaps
that place of contentment...a most beautiful place with no worries.
“Soon the child’s clear eye is clouded over by ideas and opinions, preconceptions, and abstractions. Simple free being becomes encrusted with the burdensome armor of the ego. Not until years later does an instinct come that a vital sense of mystery has been withdrawn. The sun glints through the pines and the heart is pierced in a moment of beauty and strange pain, like a memory of paradise. After that day, we become seekers.”
—Peter Muryo Matthiessen, courtesy of Parabola Magazine
I grew up in a poor family, one of six siblings. We never got fancy toys,
electronics, or designer clothing, but we were rich in the love that absorbed
through every fiber of that Christmas day.
Forever embedded in my memory is that of Dad's face as he opened up those socks or other articles that we wrapped with such anticipation ... and the thank you of tears that feel from his eyes because his children would go to such lengths to give him gifts that money couldn't buy. I have to say Mom was not as joyous, as she didn't partake in the bubbly as Dad did, but she had a lot to contend with and always made sure our Christmas was the best she could possibly do.
It wasn’t until I grew up, became an adult,
that Christmas seemed to
lose all its magic, wonder and glory.
For it was as an adult that I
began to feel sadness at this time of year.
The sadness stems from so commercialization and very little to do with
the true meaning of Christmas ... perhaps sadness that so many never experience the simple joy of rewrapped love.
I remember my sister who always had a knack for painting and making crafts. One year, she made Christmas ornaments with clothespins, and this was circa 1970. They were absolutely gorgeous. She made women with umbrellas and dresses that she used tissue to expand so they would look like they had a petticoat, using rick-rack and making hats and umbrellas. They were definitely unique and I loved them. She also made nutcrackers in uniforms, I wished I still had some of those ornaments. These ornaments shown below are cute, but not as original or as good as my sisters! She would make the puffy sleeves...I am going to have to do my homework...:)
I went looking online for hints this year to try to recreate that memory past, and make my own with my granddaughter, and I came across several ideas. I want to make these angels. I have tons of sheet music, none of which I really want to cut up, but I'm sure I can find some at my local flea market. I'm off to go look! then its off to the craft department for all the little things I need, like eyes to put on top of their head to string through, string, and other stuff I might need to include some glue and a little bottle to put the glue in cause this could get a little tedious, but worth it! If you haven't done this, maybe you'll give it a try, or have your kids make them. You will need to buy the clothespins that stand and do not pinch. You could make a wreath out of the ones that pinch by using a coathanger and putting them around it and tying on a bow. That's a simple project. In any event, happy Xmas decorating! :)
Cold weather. Rain. Fatigue. Yeah. I'm so tired of working. Today I was supposed to be off half a day, but I had to retract my request to burn some vacation time due to the fact that I had way too much to take care of at work, and we were just swamped. This company is getting ready to lay off people again, because the work is being shipped offshore (you know they can pay 3 people what they have to pay one US employee), so we will be doing 3x what we should ordinarily have to. As it is already, its hard to find coverage for when people need a day off, or have hours to burn so they don't lose..even for yourself! Not to mention HR told us that we can no longer carry over 40 hours of vacation, but with only a month to burn 93 hours, did they expect I would really fit all my time in and not lose any hours? Well...I guess not, because I couldn't even take off half a day today...
My boss, who I no longer have to cover for, because somebody in upper management felt someone else should cover for her, (funny I still have to do things that her cover should be doing and my bosses boss ask me to do...), seems to still think she needs to call me and hold me on the phone while putting me behind on things I have to do. I inform her that my title was debunked from QA Team Lead to just QA, whatever the hell that means, and now I am forced to keep a QA log of every thing I do all day, and am expected to meet some form of production (line count) when clearly that is not my job. I am expected to watch the system, clear out jobs from a customer service account, talk and console my used to be boss, email, make tickets, work with other customer service Reps, make pools, adjust poolscripts, drown in CS files...and still keep a production line count? I think not...I am some form of QA management but technically I'm not management, but in reality it still feels like I am and obviously my boss didn't get that memo, so I am in a state of confusion, now does that make any sense? It doesn't to me either.
My boss is off this next week, but I am expected to train somebody to cover my vacation while I'm off the week after (the week of the 15th through the 19th) and then 3 more days, got Xmas off, and Friday the 26th a floating holiday, so technically even though its only 64 hours off instead of 80 it looks like its two weeks total. i can't wait to get the helloutofDodge! If they can do without me that long, then chances are they'll fire me, eh? its not like HR gave us three months to work off vacation hours that we thought we could carry over into the New Year. Ordinarily, I would ever ask for that many days off in a row, but that is how it is worked out. My boss has been too busy with everybody else's schedules and making sure time off requests were met, while I've had my requests in and if she thought my taking off 8 days in a row was a problem she could have said something, all she said was you better make sure everything you do all day long is covered by someone else. Well, if I had that kind of coverage I could have taken half a day off couldn't I? yeah...right... it just blows! Technically I am supposed to cover for someone when they're off and they have to cover for me, but how does that work when we work 2 different shifts pretty much, and I work Monday-Friday, she works Tuesday-Saturday...isn't that a crock of BS! When the cuts come, my head will probably be on the chopping block but for now...
I once knew an angel named John...
Strange
where you find them, angels I mean. Actually its been 1 decade, 7 years, unknown day but certainly an extraordinary day that I
first laid eyes on him sitting on a bar stool at our neighborhood
watering hole. I was very uncomfortable being in a bar after 17 years
of marriage and going through a bitter divorce. Friends feel the need
to drag you out for God knows what I had no idea. I know I felt like a
fish out of water.
He had golden hair, blue eyes, tanned skin
and legs, white shorts, some Hawaiian looking shirt reminded me of Jimmy
Buffett drinking marguerita's...only it wasn't Margueriteville...and
certainly we were not in paradise. Well, maybe with a few more drinks I
could pretend but at this point in my life, a 'guy' was the last thing
on my list. His choice of drink, if I recall, was a bloody Mary. He
undoubtedly picked up on my awkwardness by starting up a conversation
with me while my gorgeous friend with lots of admirers was flitting
around like a movie star, table to table.
Meeting him changed
the whole course of my life events. He was the sweetest gift I ever
received, my knight in shining armor in my hour of need. We were
pretty much inseparable from the moment we met, but it wasn't because of
a 'love' attraction it was more than that. Our souls kissed and
neither of us would ever be the same. He needed me about as much as I
needed him, or a hole in the head, ha! I'd like to think I brought out
the best in him at the onset, giving him a reason to live free of
alcohol and pull his own life back together, and he carried me
emotionally and physically through that most difficult and trying time
in my life as the stress and strain took its toll. We just fell into
the folds of one another's lives, it was a beautiful thing. I don't
know what I would have done without him. I knew nothing of love truly
until J, especially unconditional love ... its rare one ever finds it;
if they do andloseit,theyalwayslong to have it again ... but its all too
elusive.
Looking back, he was my greatest happiness, my
sweetest sorrow. For 9 years he was the glue that held this family
together, the comforter, the voice of reason, the father my daughters
never had, and that deep deep voice of his still resonates in my
memory. I remember when he would call the office, the girls would
always comment about his deep voice. Oftentimes I've longed to hear his
voice off the old answering machine just one more time, but my heart
couldn't bear the pain. I remember us discussing our mortality about who
should die first leaving the other one, and I always told him that I
would need to perish first because otherwise I would just cease to
thrive anyway, and that the girls would need a strong loving father and
grandfather to guide them. Even when I teased I'd throw him to the curb
if he failed to get out the garbage or some other infraction jokingly,
he always teased me and said I'd miss him if he was gone, I just never
knew howmuch.Iknowheiswatching over us still, I feel him. I know he
knows of the recent chain of events and as I write this one of our own
is on the brink of suicide, its just been a mess; its heartwrenching
what life for some has become since his departure, 8 years, 3 months,
and 3 days ago. Please watch over her, John. Our world shattered when
God called his angel back home, his earthly demise from lung cancer
taking him away at only 51 years of age, and while I've managed to piece
my life together others have not so much.
This Thanksgiving,
it felt a little raw for me emotionally sitting here, thinking back on
those family holiday dinners. He always recited a prayer of thanks,
throwing in his own ad lib of 'thankfuls' as we all did, laughing and
joking. Today I know he would be proud that his granddaughter Isabella
gave the dinner prayer at the table, just the two of us, sad there was
missing loved ones. At 12 now, she's growing up, only 4 when he
passed. She told us that Papaw John came to see her in the park that
day to tell her that he had to go away, for her to be good, and he
disappeared she said. A worker found her sitting alone crying and
consoled her. The worker told me the story when I picked her up from
daycare that day. John had been on his deathbed for days. Amazing the
spirit and the bonds of love forever there.
Dear John, thank you
for taking us under your wings for the years we got to spend with you,
and for loving us unselfishly and with reverence always. An angel's job
is never done, you know, as you will have to continue to keep a vigil
on this mess of a family you left behind. Hopefully those lost loved
ones will return to the Thanksgiving table given time and healing
through love. We miss you much.
With love.
Here's a couple of gr8 ideas if you got kids or even if ya don't...
Try making colored snow balls to line your driveway!
It seems pretty easy – just get some balloons, put a couple drops of
food coloring in the balloon. I guess glitter could be optional. Slowly fill the balloon with water, tie
it closed. Put the balloons outside in the snow until they are frozen
solid. Then take off the balloon with a scissors and there you go –
beautiful, colorful balls of ice. Not sure what you do with them, but
they sure are pretty to look at!
or try an upside-down snowman...Isabella will love this as a tumbler..
or maybe make a "Cars face" on YOUR car this winter...how cute is that? LOL...
well, it appears that granddaughter overstepped her bounds and is currently not living with me for a while. She has unleashed her anger at me long enough and when I got a black eye that was the last straw. I went to the juvenile system, and she is currently in Foster Care and starting services to get this behavior under control. I've had her in counseling pretty much the whole 4 years she has lived with me, but obviously she has to learn the hard way. At only 12, she has to know there are severe consequences for this type of behavior. I've warned and threatened her with calling the cops and in fact had to do so, in order for her to realize how serious this was becoming. I've had people talk to her, try to reach her, but it appears to have fallen on deaf ears. Tomorrow is my first visitation since she was taken out of the home. I saw her in court, and I think she thought all I had to do was tell the Judge she could come home, but truth is she needs to learn a lesson and however long it takes for that happen, I'm okay with it. It was a very hard decision for me to have to do, but I do feel that I did the right thing.
