I Want Cot For Christmas...

The Storm, 1880

Pierre-Auguste Cot (French, 1837–1883)

I have to admit I had "a crush" on this painting.  I had come across it somewhere online a few years ago.  On a trip to New York a friend surprised me by taking me to see the original painting at the MOMA (Metropolitan Museum of Art). 

All I can say is wow! It was larger than life.  This picture certainly does not do this painting justice let me tell you.  It is absolutely gorgeous, so after that I was totally in love with this painting. 

It has always enthralled me, always will. 

Did you ever just see a painting you absolutely had to have?

I want this one, the original, its hard to hang a copy when you've seen the original. 

Do you think the MOMA would ever sell it to the highest bidder? If not perhaps I could employ an art thief to steal it...

I guess I'll be disappointed again when Christmas comes and its not taking up my whole livingroom!

Shopping with Bella...

I try every year to expand the shopping experience by exploring the wideworld net in search of those unique Christmas gifts...

for the smoker in your life....

No one likes to stand in the rain alone, yet smokers everywhere are constantly forced to smoke outside. So what's a smoker to do when it's raining and they just have to get their puff on?

The Smoker's Umbrella is the ultimate solution for cigarette lovers who are caught in the cold. The kit comes with an ash tray attachment and an adorable cigarette-styled carrying case.

Know someone completely morbid? Maybe someone who hates rodents? Well, I'm sure there's someone on your list who would like genuine, freeze-dried squirrel feet earings. haha! I'm gonna get my MIL a pair of those! She's so fashionable (or thinks she is!)

Please don't ask me where they get the feet, I sincerely don't want to know. Of course, if you do buy these for someone, you might want to make sure you don't spend too much time with them afterwards. After all, buying earrings for someone doesn't mean you ever want to be seen with the person wearing them.

Try some fun with Fundies!

For those couples who share everything...and doesn't accept that there is such a thing as too much intimacy.

Underwear for two, is a great gift for those annoying couples who are pretty much joined at the hip anyway. You never know, maybe getting a gift like this will make them realize how clingy they've been, and hopefully, they won't be so damn annoying anymore.

It could just be the gift that keeps on giving.

If you know someone who likes to rock out with their ass out, then this iCarta (pictured below) is the perfect gift for them. Finally the serenity of bathroom sessions can be brought up to pace with the modern world as you combine a love of clearing bowels with a love of rock and roll.

This makes a great gift for women who are too insecure to use the toilet while other people can hear them. Of course, if they realize that people then start to associate music playing in the bathroom with their pooping, then they'll have even more issues to deal with.

that's it today, for this edition of shopping with Bella; join us next time, until then happy shopping!

If any of these above items interest yuns, go buy it here.

and last but not least...

In the spirit of the Wild West, this holster keeps his beer ready for a quick draw whenever the need arises. Made of rugged leather, it snaps onto any standard belt and the adjustable nylon strap wraps around the thigh for additional support. A fun accessory for parties and tailgates, it also makes a convenient holder when he needs his hands free for grill duty.

Exclusively from RedEnvelope.

made of rugged leather
adjustable nylon strap for additional support
holster fits a 12 oz. can or bottle

Yes, click the link and get yuns one! How much does it cost? It ain't cheap! but there are lots of nice gifts on this site.

A Pre-Lit Thanksgiving

Since Bella Rose is living with me this year, we are doing holidays a little differently. For Thanksgiving, I told her I would take her to the restaurant of her choice, and then afterwards we would go see a movie, and that's just what we did! 

After we got home from the movies she wanted to put up the Christmas tree.  Last year it was her and I putting up the tree; first time in a couple of years I really enjoyed doing this; also the first time I used my mother's collected ornaments since she died in 2004.  I had just hung onto them, and last year it felt right.  My mom was so close to little Isabella, said she was her "rosebud."  Holidays always bring my mother to mind, and my Dad, too.  I miss them.

Anyway, this is a 7-foot tree with prelit white lights that I got up from the basement only to assemble, plug in, and WTF? 

Perfect if they work, right? A nightmare if they don't.

Yeah, the bottom part of the tree lights go on, and only some of the middle do, but the top well, it ain't working at all.

So, here I am, frustrated, wrestling apart this 7 foot tree that has probably 3000 white lights to try to narrow down the problem...(non-prelit *bleep*! how dare you not work!). So, since the directions were long lost many years ago I presume, I get online and google to see if possibly there is a quick fix to this prelit nightmare, and some say check the fuse.

Okay so where in the heck is a fuse on a Christmas tree?! Then upon further investigation they say its in the plug?...parallel to the prongs? I'm looking at the plug-in (which are many in this extension of a tree) and just don't see it. Finally! after much prodding and poking around on the plug I figure it out. You have to slide something up on the side, and underneath are two fuses! Wow, who would have thunk?!

Finally got that figured out; however, the fuses didn't look bad, but my! what a pain in the ass to get out! (there's gotta be an easier way)...after the fuses I try to plug it in, its deader than 4 o'clock, doesn't even blink! (damn blinkity-blink non-blinking *bleep*! after all that work! ha!)...so I'm thinking what now? Sit down and try to figure out which of the 3000 white lights look like they've burnt out? and replace? Are you fruckin' kidding me? hell noooo!

Okay, okay so I gave in. I tried that on the very top part, spending upwards of an hour, and then checking the fuse, and when I plugged it in expecting it to light, you guessed it...(damn blinkity-blink non-blinking *bleep*!) Yep, not to mention just trying to pull those things out of their tight light socket, and place them back in was hard, they are way too snug...not that my efforts did any good anyway!

Pre-Lit tree BAH HUMBUG!

I won't ever buy another pre-lit tree!

So, today, the day after the pre-lit tragedy, we salvaged the tree by putting it back together, and placing a string of colored lights, kinda sick of the anemic white ones anyway, and proceeded to decorate it anyway! Its beautiful!

We did good.  Mom would be proud.

Preparing a Turkey...

for those of you who might need a little instruction...

Step 1: Get yer butt out and buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (or substitute your choice)
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another two drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a
glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

yeah, be like me and eat out!

Monday ha-ha's!

There once was a toad that was excluded from all Green Toad activities because he was a handsome shade of yellow. So he went to visit a beautiful fairy in the town over who had the power to grant wishes. 

"Fairy," he said. "I would like to be green, so I can play with all the other toads." "Granted!" said the fairy, who turned him yellow. 

Unfortunately, his little toady penis was still yellow. 

"What about my penis?" he asked the fairy. 

"Oh! For that, you'll have to go see the wizard." 

And so the toad hopped off to find the wizard. 

Soon, a pink elephant visited the fairy, and he wished to be turned gray. She granted him the wish, but, as with the toad, his penis was still pink. So she told him to visit the wizard. 

"How do I find the wizard?" he asked.

"Just follow the yellow dick toad."




Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off his penis ...(Yes...you heard me) ... after this mistress found the ring in his pants pocket !

She got so mad at him that she stuck it on him while he was asleep ... Now,I don't know about you folks, but

I don't know what's worse ...

1)  having your Mistress find out that you are married ...
2) explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got ON your penis , oops ..
OR ...
3) finding out that your ittybitty penis fits through your wedding ring !!!

A woman storms into a pet shop demanding her money back from the owner. You sold me this frog and told me it would be able to satisfy all my sexual desires!

The clerk tries to calm her down and asks, "Did you do what I told you to do?"

"Yes, dammit!"  
"I got naked, lay back on my bed, and put him between my legs just like you said, and he did nothing!" she shouts.

The owner, looking confused, replies, it's a perfectly trained frog. I can't understand what the problem is.
He takes the woman and the frog to a back room in the shop, where he places the frog on a small table next to a bed and asks the woman to please lie down and remove her panties.

"What?" she shouts.

Turning to the frog, he says ... "Now watch carefully, because this is the last time I'm showing you this!"

Little Billy joke...

Little Billy came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his father came home, Billy said: "Dad, our rooster's dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"


His father thinking quickly said: "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."


"Gee Dad, that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling: "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"


"What do you mean?" asked the father.


"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming: ‘Jesus, I'm coming, I'm coming!’ If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

A Slick Tale...

"It happened about forty years ago.

Two young brothers had walked a couple of miles into town to go to the show. That's what we called going to the theater to watch movies back then.

Nobody was coming in the family car to drive them home, so when the movie was over they started the long trek back home. But they were young, and what's a couple of miles when you're a kid?

They didn't fear the dark---they were too old for THAT, only babies were scared of the dark---and they were walking down a road they had walked many, many, times before.

The night was clear and crisp. They had left the lights of town behind and were talkin' about the movie they had seen.

During a lull in the conversation, they heard a sound. A kind of swishy sound.

They stopped.

Silence.

Weird.........

They started walking again. The sound started again.

Footsteps????

They looked behind them but couldn't see anything but the road. It was dark and they couldn't see anything in the woods on either side of the road.

Now, when you are way out in the country where there are no city or farm lights, the night is as dark as the inside of a felt hat. It can be black as pitch. The only light is moonlight. If the moon is out.

Was it an animal? Being country boys, they knew what was in the woods around their house. They had hunted and fished there all their young lives.

Deer don't follow you around as a rule. Most other animals would either remain still or run away from man.

Coyotes? Well, maybe, but you can hear a pack of those when you're standing dead still, listening for them.

Could a panther be stalking them?

The only sound was the sound of their own breathing.

They were beginning to feel the fear. Just a little bit.

They began to walk again, a little faster.

The strange sound started again.

A ghost??? Ghosts aren't real...........are they??

Home is still a long ways off. It's still dark, and whatever it is is keeping up with them. Unseen.

The faster they walk, the faster IT walked. If they stopped, IT stopped.

When the last of the bravado failed, they RAN for it. Bravery be damned!

IT, whatever it was, was keeping pace, and IT chased them all the way down the road. They ran faster and faster.

Finally, they saw the lights of their house! But IT was STILL there, chasing them across the yard, and IT was still coming when they ran across the porch and burst through their front door.

They collapsed in the living room floor, gasping for breath and scared to death. Crying.

Their parents had heard them pounding across the porch and it sounded as if they tore the door off of the hinges. They tried to calm them down enough to find out what had happened.

Were they hurt?? Was there an accident of some sort??? An emergency of some kind, maybe? Were they in some sort of trouble?? Was someone after them??

When they finally caught their breath and saw that they were safe, they got up, still shaking.

But...............

THERE IT WAS AGAIN!!! THE SOUND!!!! OH MY GOD, IT WAS IN THE HOUSE!!!!!!!

Of course it was in the house. It had been with them all day.

It was the brand-new corduroy pants that they had just gotten. Caught up in the excitement of new clothes and going to see a movie---rare treats indeed--- they never noticed the sound that the new, stiff material made when they walked. The sound material makes when your thighs rub together as you walk.

I got that story years ago from one of those two brothers. He said that if the front door had been locked he would have died on the front porch from fear.

Always remember that the worst fright of your life may be the one you create for yourself!"

"Slick" is a great storyteller.  To visit her website, click here.

Could Have Been Worse ??

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"

"That`s awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."

"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "Could it have been worse?"

"Well," replied Frank, "If it happened the night before, I`d be dead now!"