So...

this man walks into a tattoo parlour, and asks the tattoo artist to tattoo a picture of a hundred dollar bill on his penis.



The tattoo artist, being a sensitive man, refuses, telling the man that it would be too painful to do that.

The man insists on having it done, so the tattoo artist tells him that if he can come up with three good reasons to have it done, then he would do it.

The man tells him, "

#1, "I like to play with my money.

#2, I like to watch my money grow.

and

#3 My wife will blow a hundred bucks everyday!!"

BADA-BOOM !!!!

Tuesdays Trials and Tribulations...

To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own,
grandchildren,
nieces,
nephews,
or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was
"DON'T!"

"Don't what?"
Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
God said.

"Forbidden fruit?
We have forbidden fruit?

Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!"

"No way!"?

"Yes way!"?

"Do NOT eat the fruit! "
said God.

"Why?"  You dare you question the Great & Powerful OZ ?? just kidding ~ now on with the story ...

"Because I am your Father and I said so ! "
God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? "
God asked.

"Uh huh,"
Adam replied.

"Then why did you? "
retorted the Father.

"I don't know,"
said Eve.

"She started it! "
Adam said.

"Did not! "

"Did too! "

"DID NOT! "

Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children,what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you.  In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in!

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your
nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN"

AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

haha Mondays premature ejaculation on a Sunday?!

After an 83-year-old lady finished her annual physical examination, her doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Kuhlman, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband, “she said.

She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud: "Bob, do we still have intercourse?"

There was a complete hush - you could have heard a pin drop.

Bob answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I've told you a hundred times...

What we have is


"Blue Cross!"  


and now ...

Prevent inbreeding....ban country music.

Spring...and a favorite...

A Lemon

Out of lemon flowers

loosed

on the moonlight, love's

lashed and insatiable

essences,

sodden with fragrance,

the lemon tree's yellow

emerges,

the lemons

move down

from the tree's planetarium

Delicate merchandise!

The harbors are big with it-

bazaars

for the light and the

barbarous gold.

We open

the halves

of a miracle,

and a clotting of acids

brims

into the starry

divisions:

creation's

original juices,

irreducible, changeless,

alive:

so the freshness lives on

in a lemon,

in the sweet-smelling house of the rind,

the proportions, arcane and acerb.

Cutting the lemon

the knife

leaves a little cathedral:

alcoves unguessed by the eye

that open acidulous glass

to the light; topazes

riding the droplets,

altars,

aromatic facades.

So, while the hand

holds the cut of the lemon,

half a world

on a trencher,

the gold of the universe

wells

to your touch:

a cup yellow

with miracles,

a breast and a nipple

perfuming the earth;

a flashing made fruitage,

the diminutive fire of a planet.

Pablo Neruda

The Odd Egg

Little BellaRose and I were coloring eggs yesterday evening.

Today we took them out and odd thing, this one egg has this message picture on it?

Now, don't think I'm crazy but this was NOT on this egg when we put those up last night. Neither of us made any types of designs on these eggs; they were strictly colored with the Paas kits.

Any clue as to what this might mean? Perhaps I need to be living at the foot of the cross for awhile...geeze I'm not that bad a sinner!



here's a closeup. okay after inspection I found no other strange eggs or markings at all. Is this just odd or what? There are absolutely no cracks in this egg either. I don't understand why these freaky things happen to me...LOL...I just hope this is a blessing, not a curse! My sister asked me if anything weird had happened yesterday while we were talking on the phone, but up that point in time nothing had; she and I were discussing mom who passed away and her recent birthday was March 25th. The reason she asked me that was because a while after mom passed away, my sister's daughter, Marissa, was with a friend of hers who had somebody over who supposedly was a "medium." Marissa asked her if she could contact my mother, and supposedly things were said that only mother would have known and of course the family. My sister would say the egg markings was my mother's way of letting us know she was still around! ha! I don't know how or why it got there, but maybe I should throw it up on E-bay?

What do you make of it bloggers? Happy Easter to yuns.

haha Mondays on a Sunday

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Creepiest video ever....

and on that note, Happy Easter to yuns!

Funny Excerpts from around the Blog World!

I once worked part time at a confectionery store and at Easter we'd have to ice people's names or messages onto chocolate eggs. One of my neighbors, whom I disliked intensely, placed an order for her daughter, Virginia, who was in my class at school and a real bully. She picked her egg up after work, all neatly sealed inside a decorative box and tied with a bow. She came right back on the following Tuesday spitting with anger, because her daughter was humiliated when she opened the box and saw that we spelled her name wrong. Poor Vagina. It can happen to anyone. 

Compliments of ….http://vegetableassassin.blogspot.com/

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak.

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY :
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls'

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.' My sister started to laugh hysterically.  The boy grinned, and I t urned beet-red and walked away.  To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished.. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'  The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.  Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.  I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?  My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.  One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands.  It was very busy, with a full dining room.  While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven- month-old daughter, she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said 'No'.  I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.  Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeksand yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!' While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:  'So Bob , where's that 6 inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Funny excerpts taken from Lorna @ http://lornacheyenne.blogspot.com/


"He gets along well with his living girlfriend."

I should say so! hahaha.

Tiffed at somebody? Tell them to "Take a flyin' leap at a rollin' doughnut!"