Where have I been?

“If you find no one to support you on the spiritual path, walk alone.” ~ Buddha

For as long as I can remember, I have yearned for peace in a noisy chaotic house with 5 siblings, alcoholic father, and passive indifferent mother. I was a quiet and shy child, never ventured too far away -- but more importantly was never fully aware of all I could become in life.  I did not feel a lot of encouragement in those formative years.  My siblings are scattered, with families of their own and we don't get together often. I miss my root family. Over the ensuing years, I became a mother, friend, wife, lover, grandmother, and employee. Others depended upon to solve issues/problems, guide them, wipe tears and bandage scrapes, and just be ever present in their lives. I did all, saw all, I was all. This is where I've been....   

and this is just who I am. 

I would become a strong woman despite the adversity I would go through...but at times it appeared that nobody remembered that I was human too with needs of my own.  I've felt like a caged bird--that my life was truly not my own but rather controlled by some fate I had no control of. I was thought to be unbreakable, unshakeable and unstoppable. And maybe that’s true--but even I have a breaking point.

As I was tending the needs of others, and taking on more responsibilities than I should have ever had to including raising my granddaughter at one point, dealing with drug addicted adult children, with blurring memories of social services and the court system -- I was struggling and drowning in own tears at times. I felt alone, I was alone.  I've fought many battles alone pretty much all of my adult life. Still some things left unsettled in this family dynamic.

And truthfully, I’m exhausted now.  I fought my way through it and now it's my time to rest.  Tell my truth; most of which is written in this blog.