welcoming a new soul...

 

into our lives ... a sweet baby girl on Tuesday!  Tomorrow is 40 weeks gestation and Tuesday is scheduled induction if the baby doesn't come before then.  I can't wait to meet her. I got her crib bed all fixed up and ready to go!  

Her mother was my little angel so many years ago...a miracle she even came into this world due to the fact that my cervix could have ruptured at any time, paper thin and see-through said my doctor who was amazed she was carried to term.  We didn't know this, nor did the doctor, until he went into do the cesarean section.  I definitely know that my guardian angel watches out for me, always has, and that even though some things happen without rhyme or reason, it was meant to be.  I truly believe that our loved ones are still with us and watching and guiding us from the other side in spirit after their physical bodies are no more.

I remember a few months back when daughter was worrying about whether she could mother and where her life was headed, she was visibly upset and told me that her grandmother came to visit her, in her dream, she said it was all too real, that her grandmother told her that everything would be all right, and that she would have a beautiful little girl.  This was long before we could find out the sex of this baby, but rest assured that this little soul is being held by her family in spirit, and before long she will be revealed to all of us here in the physical world.  Bobbi lost her grandmother whom she was very close to, at a young tender age of 8 years old.  I tell Bobbi that her grandmother is still with her, will always watch over and protect her, just like she will be watching over this little soul. 

I do expect to be with my daughter for the blessed event, and while you may not hear from me for a little while, I'll be busy reassuring a first-time mom that she is doing a gr8 job and cuddling a sweet little baby girl. 

F my life...

perfect...I need one of these... :) 

 

Let these be your love desires ~

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. 
To know the pain of too much tenderness. 
To be wounded by your own understanding of love; 

 and to bleed willingly and joyfully. 

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving; 
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love’s ecstasy; 
To return home at eventide with gratitude; 

and then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart 

and a song of praise upon your lips...

wishing you an enjoyable weekend.  :)

emerge from the darkness

and away from the black depths of my mundane maddening life ... 

lately I've been in some dark place with a lot of issues still surrounding the granddaughter who obviously is damaged more than any of us realized, herself included.  Even though she had testing, they are not wanting to label her, but feel that early on she has suffered neglect which internally has come out in behavioral issues this last two years as she is exploring new boundaries.  She has a lot of anxiety around social issues and abandonment which is going to affect her relationships.  I am on the receiving end of her physical aggression and its taken its toll on my psyche and my body.  There is no joy in being her grandmother any more.  I am the jailer, the intimidator, the object of her backlash.  I think she exhibits PTSD symptoms.  Does one call the authorities and add more insult to a damaged child  already?  maybe I just need to hire a bodyguard and keep my distance.  Knock her out with tranquilizers, or lock her up in a padded room?  How long before these behaviors go outside the boundaries of home...its as if she lives a double life, and more than anything she worries people will find out about the little monster she tries to keep closeted.

After a discussion with a professional (she's been in counseling for a year with no significant results), they recommend more counseling and perhaps a trial with medications.  Stand firm they said with what I do as far as setting boundaries, easy for them to say they don't have to deal with her outbursts.  I am disheartened, frankly I did not sign up for this crapshit.  The first two years weren't so bad, worst in the last two.  My heart tells me not to give up on her, but my head says "run, run Forest run..."  am I so bad for thinking this way?

Social Media Back When...

 

I remember the bygone days of social networking, the CB radio.  The most sought after model was the Golden Eagle, and my Dad drooled over this and finally got one.  The antenna I remember thinking stretched to heaven...LOL...but of course it didn't.  Everything is bigger when you're a kid.  He became 'hooked' on his CB radio, talking for hours, making friends, and everybody had a 'handle' in those days, like people in chatrooms on Yahoo, remember?  Its the same thing really only in a different form.  When Dad left his CB room, we'd sneak in and boy it was a fancy gadget! knobs everywhere, you could talk to people privately and of course there was emergency channels, and of you could tune in people from overseas! We would "break-break" the line by pushing that lever down on the microphone, it was a rush, especially when somebody answered you back! :)

My dad became an avid and addicted CB'er with the handle of "Cabbage Head," and my mom, "Brussel Sprouts."  Its interesting to glimpse back and marvel at how social media has evolved, and sometimes not for the better I'm afraid. Everywhere now its cellphones, tablets, its ridiculous!  Just the other day when breaking from jury duty out in a big hallway, I bet you 50 people were standing there gawking at their cell phones ignoring those around them, not engaging in conversation, rather staring blankly into this gadget.  It felt rather lonely to be without technology!

As far as actually meeting people, the CB was also a good tool for that. Dad made many friends and acquaintances over the years, and we made many a Sunday drive to visit his CB buddies.  Mom had fun on it too! Dad did allow us to play on it but not very much; it was his grownup toy!  Those were some of the best memories of a childhood past, of my Dad with his Browning Eagle. 

Have a gr8 night everybody.  Happy Fourth!

In & Out Of Time...

The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance...
our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out of time.

When the first stone looked up at the blazing sun
and the first tree struggled up from the forest floor
I had always loved you more.
You freed your braids...
gave your hair to the breeze.
It hummed like a hive of honey bees.
I reached in the mass for the sweet honey comb there....
Mmmm...God how I love your hair.

You saw me bludgeoned by circumstance.
Lost, injured, hurt by chance.
I screamed to the heavens....loudly screamed....
Trying to change our nightmares into dreams...
The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance our long way home.

I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out
in and out
in and out
of time.

~ Maya Angelou

just a thought...

Put your thoughts to sleep. 

Do not let them cast a shadow over the moon of your heart. 

Let go of thinking.         ~ Rumi